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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be furious no-one gave me a heads up? (infertility related)

36 replies

lalalalyra · 14/07/2017 15:21

My DH has a relative who is just lovely. She's a couple of years older than me, has a good career and she and her husband have no children. DH's family is very close so I see her once a month or so.

I have 6 children, 3 of them are with her cousin. So in the last 8 years DH and I have announced 3 pregnancies. Twice this has been done (not at my behest I should add, but still done) at a family occasion.

I was meant to be going for lunch with her, MIL, her mother and her sister today, but it was cancelled at the last minute as she didn't feel up to it. It turns out that her best friend is pregnant and "obviously with her 9 miscarriages she just needs a bit of time".

I'm absolutely fucking furious. Not that I didn't get her private medical info, but that no-one gave me any sort of heads up. I feel terrible. My last pregnancy was utterly unexpected (contraception failure) and I've been having a terrible time because the GP's at my practise will not consider any woman for sterilisation in any form until they are over 40. I can't use hormonal contraceptives, the coil failed and we had a condom split. I know I'd be incredibly unlucky to suffer a contraception failure again, but I also know we cannot have another child (last DD has serious medical needs and will need care for her whole life) so basically our sex life is done (they won't give DH the snip for medical reasons either - he has issues with clotting and also with anaesthetic). At various family occasions these issues have been brought up (not by me) and discussed at length and now I realise that she would have been sat there wishing she had my issue.

I've most likely been grossly insensitive to this poor woman without realising and none of them gave me any indication. There are 4 couples in that part of the family that don't have children so even a 'one of them has fertility issues' would have meant I was much more careful and kept the conversations (mainly MIL and DH's aunt starting them) much more brief. I feel so guilty, and I don't even know if it would make it worse now to say anything.

OP posts:

FuckyDuck · 14/07/2017 15:29

It's hard but she will understand that conversations about babies and pregnancy can't be stopped because she's had so many difficulties, she might be a bit upset but I wouldn't raise it personally

gabsdot · 14/07/2017 15:29

You're very kind to be worried about this. All you can do is be sensitive in the future.

nollaig16 · 14/07/2017 15:31

You're better off saying nothing and just proceeding sensitively from this point on. It might make her feel worse to dredge everything up now.

BiggerBoatNeeded · 14/07/2017 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alcea · 14/07/2017 15:32

Sorry to sound harsh, but what makes you think she'd love to have your issue?
I had fertility issues before my first child, and certainly wouldn't have envied anyone with 6 kids

Original poster

lalalalyra · 14/07/2017 15:36

Sorry to sound harsh, but what makes you think she'd love to have your issue?
I had fertility issues before my first child, and certainly wouldn't have envied anyone with 6 kids

I didn't mean the 6 kids. I meant someone who desperately wants a child would love to be in the position of being done with their family and not wanting anymore.

OP posts:

anotherdayanothersquabble · 14/07/2017 15:39

In this case she has chosen not to tell you ans this information has come from your MIL presumably. I would bring it up over lunch with those present and say how you feel... that perhaps it would have been kinder of someone had mentioned this to you before. .. If she hasn't told you herself, she probably does not want to discuss it with you.

Gemini69 · 14/07/2017 15:55

OP you sound absolutely lovely to be so concerned about her .... she's needing a bit of alone time which is her way of dealing.. bless you x

TammySwanson · 14/07/2017 15:55

I agree with nollaig16. Although it can be upsetting to hear about pregnancy and babies from people who are unaware of your situation you can understand why and not hold it against them but it is a thousand times worse when it's coming from someone who knows your situation but doesn't give a single thought to how you feel. Just try to be sensitive in future.

Alicia555 · 14/07/2017 16:06

You sound like a lovely and thoughtful person to be so concerned for this woman's feelings. I'm sure she s not upset with you, I think if she were another relative would have had a word in your ear. I wouldn't raise the subject with her.

Justhadmyhaircut · 14/07/2017 16:10

Maybe because you are lovely she is genuinely happy for you??
Some people don't begrudge others. .

user1495025590 · 14/07/2017 16:18

AIBU to be furious no-one gave me a heads up?

yes you are! It is private information that her relatives have no right to share without her consent. And to ne fair if a couple have been in a LT relationship and have no kids, most people would at least have the nouse to suspect that there might be a fertility issue.

Don't follow this crap advice I would bring it up over lunch with those present and say how you feel... that perhaps it would have been kinder of someone had mentioned this to you before
Someone has had 9 miscarriages .It is not about how you feel!!

adifferentnameforthis · 14/07/2017 16:18

You sound lovely,: don't worry. When I was struggling I didn't want people to know. Just be kind, it's all that's needed

onalongsabbatical · 14/07/2017 16:51

I'm sorry, OP, this is off the point but I'm really shocked to see that your GP won't consider you for sterilisation after 6 children, one with serious medical needs, with a husband who can't have the snip and contraception problems/failures. Have I got that right? Are you in the UK? Please tell me to butt out if you want, I know it wasn't the point of your thread, but I think that's outrageous. Can you change GPs?
And yes, I think you're being very kind and caring of the relative, but you don't need to do anything different except be sensitive now that you know.

DeadGood · 14/07/2017 16:56

"It is private information that her relatives have no right to share without her consent."

But share it they did. Just not at a point where it would have been useful and thoughtful.

DeadGood · 14/07/2017 16:57

I also agree with sabbatical - I wouldn't be putting up with this situation if I were you. Unbelievable that you are expected to simply not have sex again.

VestalVirgin · 14/07/2017 16:58

She knows you didn't know about it. The person who did shouldn't have told you about the miscarriages, as apparently she doesn't want anyone to know about it.

I am sure, since you would have liked to be more considerate, you are not the kind of person who'd boast about pregnancies, anyway.

Go somewhere else to get a sterilisation. If there are doctors who are willing to give you one, support them. It is beyond ridiculous to limit sterilisations to women over 40 ... who then will probably be told to just wait until menopause.(And tbh, I would not have a sterilisation at 40; it is always a risk to have surgery, and a couple of years would just not be worth it to me ...)
Sorry for ranting, but this sterilisation issue that so many mumsnetters experience increasingly looks like a case of misogyny to me.

2014newme · 14/07/2017 17:04

Poor woman.

I think announcing pregnancies at family get togethers where there are childless couples could be tactless so it wouldn't be my approach regardless of whether I knew they had issues or not but I accept that having been in that position I'm more sensitive than most.
You're kind to think of her and I can understand why you're cross nobody made you aware there were issues.
6 kids with 2 different dads doesn't hugely appeal I have to say! but nonetheless you're right that she may find your bountiful fertility hard. 💐

Original poster

lalalalyra · 14/07/2017 17:07

I'm just so upset that she could have been left really upset by some of the conversation. It was very different but my ex had trouble conceiving our twins (he knew from young though so it wasn't a long scary journey) so I must have seemed like an insensitive cow.

Also it wasn't a secret. It was assumed I knew. Apparently everyone knows. Mil and her sister are both a bit mortified.

sabbatical I don't have any choice but to accept it. There's no other GP practise in the area as we're rural and the three GP's have the same opinion that mid 30's is too young.

It's been made quite clear that I'm being utterly ridiculous to 'expect' the NHS to pay for expensive surgery when I could just not be so daft as to think a coil or condoms would fail again.

I've been having this fight since I was 32 as DD3 was a huge surprise. I was devastated when I fell pregnant with DD4. Don't get me wrong, I love the absolute bones of my daughter, but it's had a massive impact on our lives because her health is so fragile. We're lucky that we had the option of DH working away for an extra 8 months to give us a good back up fund, but in other families it could have been financially devastating.

Everyone I've contacted about it has been very sympathetic but basically it's a case of "for us to help your gp must refer you".

OP posts:

Original poster

lalalalyra · 14/07/2017 17:12

vestal the sterilisation issue is a misogynistic one completely, but there's nowhere I can go.

Believe me, I've not just spoken to one gp at my practise and accepted it. I've tried. No one locally will help. My mp is hopeless (& I have tried to change that by voting for someone else!).

I've even had one sad ranty face photo in the local paper with 2 other women to highlight the issue.

They just won't budge. They have a set rule as too many people under 40 would regret it later.

OP posts:

Knottyknitter · 14/07/2017 17:16

Try going via sexual health clinic? They can counsel and refer for sterilisation same as a gp

onalongsabbatical · 14/07/2017 17:16

You're being ridiculous? Seriously, are you in the UK, I'm beyond shocked to think that a whole GP practice could be taking this attitude towards you, basically denying you the right to make this decision about your body? I wouldn't be as surprised if you're in the US or possibly some other countries, but in the UK? I would be fighting this hard - going to the medical ombudsman, for instance. I'm not suggesting that you should be doing that - not least because you have your DD to take care of - but I'm just appalled for you that someone in your situation is having this refused. I hope I'm not speaking too out of line - mindful that it wasn't what your AIBU was about. But I am really shocked.

Peachyking000 · 14/07/2017 17:17

It's not your GP's decision - if they are refusing you should complain - I'm saying that as a GP myself. The decision to carry out the surgery is between you and the gynaecologist. In my area, it can be done as long as you are over 30 and the youngest child is over 6 months, and if you have been appropriately counselled and had time to consider all options.

TammySwanson · 14/07/2017 17:17

If you are sure that she thinks you know then I would maybe mention that you didn't know until now - but keep it brief - along the lines of 'I'm sorry you are going through this' and not something like 'I'm sure it will be ok and it will happen for you' because she may not want to talk about it and will definitely not want to hear empty platitudes, particularly from someone from loads of kids (you sound lovely so I'm sure you will be sensitive).

SerfTerf · 14/07/2017 17:21

Sorry I'm also sidetracked by the sterilisation issue.

There's far more point and value for money in sterilisation pre-40 than post-40, surely? Bonkers policy.

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