AIBU to be furious no-one gave me a heads up? (infertility related)

[lalalalyra]

My DH has a relative who is just lovely. She's a couple of years older than me, has a good career and she and her husband have no children. DH's family is very close so I see her once a month or so.

I have 6 children, 3 of them are with her cousin. So in the last 8 years DH and I have announced 3 pregnancies. Twice this has been done (not at my behest I should add, but still done) at a family occasion.

I was meant to be going for lunch with her, MIL, her mother and her sister today, but it was cancelled at the last minute as she didn't feel up to it. It turns out that her best friend is pregnant and "obviously with her 9 miscarriages she just needs a bit of time".

I'm absolutely fucking furious. Not that I didn't get her private medical info, but that no-one gave me any sort of heads up. I feel terrible. My last pregnancy was utterly unexpected (contraception failure) and I've been having a terrible time because the GP's at my practise will not consider any woman for sterilisation in any form until they are over 40. I can't use hormonal contraceptives, the coil failed and we had a condom split. I know I'd be incredibly unlucky to suffer a contraception failure again, but I also know we cannot have another child (last DD has serious medical needs and will need care for her whole life) so basically our sex life is done (they won't give DH the snip for medical reasons either - he has issues with clotting and also with anaesthetic). At various family occasions these issues have been brought up (not by me) and discussed at length and now I realise that she would have been sat there wishing she had my issue.

I've most likely been grossly insensitive to this poor woman without realising and none of them gave me any indication. There are 4 couples in that part of the family that don't have children so even a 'one of them has fertility issues' would have meant I was much more careful and kept the conversations (mainly MIL and DH's aunt starting them) much more brief. I feel so guilty, and I don't even know if it would make it worse now to say anything.

Also - I've just worked out (had to go away and think about it, as I'm 62 now!) - I was definitely sterilised before 40, with only two children under my belt. But obviously it was about 35 years ago, so I'm sure rules etc are now different.

peachyking My problem is I can't see the gynaecologist without a referral from my GP. My gp won't refer me because of their policy. It's a roundabout that I can't get off.

I am in the U.K. It's not something I'm taking lying down (if you pardon the pun) which is partly how it's been a topic of conversation in company.

Your GP's policy is ridiculous though, and not based on any guidance. They could potentially be putting your health at risk by refusing to refer you, if all other contraceptive methods are contraindicated. I think you would be within your rights to make a formal complaint, and escalate it if they still refuse. They can't simply invent policies, that no other sensible doctors would use.

Personally, I'd be complaining about my GP to the medical ombudsman, which you have a right to do. If I wasn't in the middle of making dinner, following the Charlie Gard case, and watching Wimbledon, I'd be looking it up for you. Maybe later!
Don't suppose your MP is the vile Rees-Mogg, by any chance? Only asking because he's mine, and you being rural and your MP being hopeless chimed with me.

I'm very surprised you can't get a sterilisation. My friend has been offered multiple times and is in her early 30s. She declined again with her 7th one because she doesn't have the down time for an op. Perhaps it's dependant on the area you live?

I've had a brief look - got this quote from the PALS (Patient Advice and Liaison Service) website via the ombudsman - If you're not happy with an NHS service, you can make a complaint. You should complain to the person or organisation providing the service first, such as the GP, dentist, hospital or pharmacist. Alternatively, you can complain to the commissioner of that service – either NHS England or the area clinical commissioning group (CCG). In general, NHS England commissions most primary care services, such as GP and dental services.

Would they offer your DH the snip under the age of 40? If so, perhaps you can also conplain on discrimination grounds.

Ultimately, is the surgery is inventing their own ridiculous, non-evidenced based policies, that are contrary to published guidelines, such as the DFSRH (family planning part of the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists), it flies in the face of GMC Good Practice Guidelines (Domain 1). It might be worthwhile mentioning this in your letter of complaint to the practice.

Sorry FSRH not DFSRH

I would have thought you could self refer to a private gyn OP, or get a referral from a private GP or even from your own GP pretending it is for another reason. When you see a consultant privately they will often refer you onto their NHS list if they think that is needed. So you may well only have to pay for the first consultation.

To be honest though, with condoms you should be safe if you are prepared to take the MAP if something goes wrong.

Just see how she is with you over the next few times you meet her. Maybe speak to your MIL (if you're comfortable enough to) and mention you didn't know and that you're unsure if any tension has been caused by your previous conversations? MIL might be able to advise you on whether you should bring it up with relative or not.

I know pp have said not bring it up, and you dont need to know about it etc but some people would appreciate being approached about it and some wouldn't (I know I would, especially if someone thought they'd unintentionally upset me).