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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag do/baby due

26 replies

whoknows123 · 14/07/2017 11:25

I am fully aware I might be being totally unreasonable but pregnancy means I can be right?

My partners brother is due to be married in January. The wedding is far away from us so without outing myself (think Inverness to Birmingham distance). We've already travelled this distance for the engagement party and will have to do the same come January.

We have a 2 year old and I am due second baby November 5th. This birth might end up with a c section it's undecided yet.

Anyway, the stag do has just been planned for November. It's not a local, down the pub kind of do. It's a weekend away somewhere like Belfast or Germany or Spain way. My issue is the fact that whatever weekend it gets planned for I'll either be due a baby or I'll have a newborn and a 2 year old! It's a huge adjustment and honestly, I'd quite like my partner around to help. I feel bad because he never goes out and I mean never, he's an amazing dad and that's why I want him about! He feels guilty because it's his brother and he feels obliged to attend.

I just feel the stag party maybe could have been a bit nicer and planned it the following month? It's a lot of money and such bad timing and I can't help resenting the fact he might go Confused fully aware that's a tad selfish but I have reason to feel this way? No?

OP posts:
MumsOnCrack · 14/07/2017 11:32

Have you spoken to DH about it? Maybe he doesn't actually want to go?

Justhadmyhaircut · 14/07/2017 11:35

Yabu to expect someone else's pre wedding plans to be arranged around you!!
Yanbu to expect dh to be around for you. .
Though I would let my dh go with a good heart as he has no social life either - he was in fact meant to be away for a week when ds was born prem and he didn't go. .

Defuzzing · 14/07/2017 11:38

You need to say something before too much planning gets under way. I would suggest they go in the next couple of months or after the baby is born and get someone to come and stay to help you while he is away.

Notsosureanymoors · 14/07/2017 11:38

YABU. you expect him to move his stag do to December?? As if anyone would do that. Maybe october but not December. Anyway either way you're being massively precious especially considering its your 2nd child. Its 1 weekend don't worry about it you'll cope.

Original poster
whoknows123 · 14/07/2017 11:38

We have spoken about it. He doesn't particularly want to go on a stag but wants to go because it's his brother Sad

OP posts:
JustMumNowNotMe · 14/07/2017 11:40

Honestly, you'll be fine. DD2 was 18 months when DC3 was born and it was a doddle. Ita only a weekend, and it is his bother. Let him go and have fun.

maddening · 14/07/2017 11:42

I think yanbu - with a section def not

maddening · 14/07/2017 11:43

Dh should just decline

Original poster
whoknows123 · 14/07/2017 11:43

@JustMumNowNotMe thank you for this, think I needed to be told I can cope 😂

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/07/2017 11:44

I would honestly expect him to give the stag do a miss in this situation.

He may feel obliged, but this particular time his obligation should be towards you and his children.

Original poster
whoknows123 · 14/07/2017 11:44

I'm worried in case baby is late, I end up with a section and then he leaves a few days after...

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 14/07/2017 11:50

I agree YABU to expect DH brother to plan his stag around you BUT YANBU to want DH around for support with your newborn/late stage of pregnancy.
A few alternatives -could DH and his brother have a day out/away together on another date?
Have you got any family or friends who could come and stay with you and help out?

JustMumNowNotMe · 14/07/2017 11:51

If you have a section then I agree he can't go, not so much for the baby as the toddler, as tou won't be able to lift and cuddle them properly so will need help.

Birth going well, then I promise you'd be fine. Have a couple of pj days and let DD1 watch cbeebies or films etc, toys and books where she can help herself and just stay in Smile

JustMumNowNotMe · 14/07/2017 11:52

Oh and order take away too, sod cooking!

Namechangetempissue · 14/07/2017 11:52

Oh and also echoing that you WILL cope -honest! Don't panic! DH worked away in Australia for 4 weeks when our two were 6 months and 2 years old. It was fine. We had the odd manic moments (when they both got a sickness bug it was crap!) but we plodded on through! Flowers

Original poster
whoknows123 · 14/07/2017 11:55

I think I would feel a lot better if I knew birth and feeding was going to be a breeze! I do understand they shouldn't plan wedding around me but it's not just me it's all of us. They also don't want kids at wedding but expect to see them at some point the wedding weekend

OP posts:
Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 14/07/2017 12:12

I would laugh at the suggestion. No bloody way! Who knows what could happen? Births are not predictable. DH could miss the birth of his child entirely, and shouldn't he be with his brand new baby rather than out getting drunk? This would be an absolute no from me, especially since he doesn't even want to go. Not to mention the massive change to the 2yos life that is a new sibling. The kid needs so much love and support. Just no.

Doublechocolatetiffin · 14/07/2017 12:12

I can completely understand where you are coming from. I'd be really concerned about my DH going away so shortly after my due date. However, it seems like you'd actually like him to go as he doesn't get to much so best thing to do is to plan it. Can you get someone to come and stay with you for the weekend? Parents or friends maybe? That way you would still have help and your DH could do to his brothers stag.

It does sound like they are a bit naive when it comes to children what what it entails and I can see how that would add to your frustration. I'd have a good rant about (it doesn't matter if yabu or not, ranting is therapeutic imo) it then get on with finding a good solution.

Original poster
whoknows123 · 14/07/2017 16:12

I'm sure I would cope by myself but I just feel that it's a pretty rubbish time to leave me. Out of all the other times it could be done

OP posts:
puddingpen · 14/07/2017 16:22

Can he just book/pay for it with the caveat that he might not be able to go - he'll have to see how you feel nearer the time/ may have to pull out last minute/ pay extra to come back early...?

Bluerose27 · 14/07/2017 16:26

I think he should say no and definitely not go.

I wouldn't be happy with my husband if he went, I wouldn't care whose stag it was. New baby takes precedence

RadioGaGoo · 14/07/2017 16:31

I can't believe some of these responses. You are being 'massively precious' to want your partnet to be around for the birth of his child and/or to help in those first few weeks? What a ridiculous thing to say. Your partner should explain to his brother that the priority is you. Anyone can see that and would not be unreasonable about it.

grasspigeons · 14/07/2017 16:35

I am sure you will cope if everything goes well, but he could miss the birth and things aren't always perfect. I dont think bring left alone a few days after a c section with a 2 year old is good. He might have to miss it, or accept he will pay and only go if things are going well and just lose the money if not.

PotteringAlong · 14/07/2017 16:42

No. No. No.

Due date November = no stag do abroad in November.

I'm usually part of the "let them go" brigade. Not this time.

Sparklyuggs · 14/07/2017 17:22

It's your DH's child too, I think YANBU to expect him around at that point.

The groom has the right to choose whatever and whenever they want for the staff, but can't expect everyone to make it depending on what they choose.

Not a stag do but DH has a university reunion 6 weeks after my c-section. He was going to cancel but I've got my Mum coming to stay with me and I was happy for him to go. If I hadn't been happy, he wouldn't go and his friends would have understood that a newborn trumps a weekend away.

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