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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to bring myself to use contraception

38 replies

JessieMcJessie · 14/07/2017 10:23

I have an amazing 10 month old son, born after IVF. I don't have any specific infertility problems, but was over 40 when we started trying so had low egg reserves.

Had I met my husband earlier I think we'd always have planned a family of at least two. Having DS is wonderful. However there have been times since he was born that I've felt nostalgic for our old life of freedom, lie-ins, active holidays and spontaneous meals out.

I have a number of friends who have only children who are a bit older and most seem to have a great life, doing all sorts of fun things with their child and being able to devote a lot of time and money to him/her whilst seeming to have their own lives back too. DH feels that model is the best one for us and I can see the advantages.

However I have a nagging feeling that my son should have a sibling and that I would enjoy the rough and tumble of having more than one child. This may partly be due to being quite close to my own brother, particularly since our parents had both passed away by the time we were in our thirties (obviously a consideration for DS given my older age at having him). I also like the sense of purpose that being a Mum has brought to my life (personal view, not saying all non-parents lack sense of purpose!).

On the other hand, a sibling could really diminish the quality of our relationship with DS, particularly if he/she has special needs or challenging behaviour.

Realistically the chances of me conceiving naturally are ridiculously low, but I do have regular periods and ovulate. The time has come now that we should really be using contraception again. However I just can't bring myself to close that door firmly, even though part of me wonders if I might become pregnant and then worry that I am risking spoiling the wonderful life we have made by introducing a whole set of uncontrollable unknowns.

AIBU to not just definitively quit while we are ahead?

OP posts:
Intransige · 14/07/2017 10:27

Life is by definition a set of uncontrollable unknowns. Any appearance of order is temporary and illusory.

On that cheerful note Grin

I think you should listen to your instincts and be guided by where you see potential happiness ahead. There is no way to know for sure that you would or wouldn't be absolutely fine with a second child, it's not that kind of decision.

Shoxfordian · 14/07/2017 10:38

Why are you the only one responsible for contraception? If your husband doesn't want another child then he should be using condoms.

Aside from that if you've discussed and agreed you should only have one then it's not fair to just not use contraception and have an "accident"

TheHiphopopotamus · 14/07/2017 10:49

Yanbu to want another child.

However, if you have told your DH that you will be using contraception and you don't, then that is horrendous.

If you have told your DH that you won't be using contraception and he chooses not to take precautions then that's tough titty on him really.

BogQueens · 14/07/2017 10:51

Yes, why is contraception your issue alone? Absolutely to DH on the condoms. If he really doesn't want another child, but wants to have sex, he needs not to abrogate everything to you.

Mrsglitterfairy · 14/07/2017 10:52

I think you should be honest with DH, imagine if you became preganant, how would you explain that to him?
I really wanted another child when DS was 2 and had one. Another boy, thought they would be best friends. They are now 9 & 6 and so nothing but argue and fight. DS1 often tells me that he was happier on his own and if I knew how much they would not get on and how hard it would be i probably wouldn't have had another child. Having said that DS2 is amazing and I obviously love him to bits.
Don't have another child for your existing child, things may not work out how you plan

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 14/07/2017 12:43

Just to clear up any misunderstanding, there's no question of my deceiving my husband, or him having expressed a definitive view and then not following up by taking responsibility for contraception. We've discussed a bit and he's erring on the side of making sure we only ever have one but we've both basically taken the approach of "let's think about this properly later" and are jointly just leaving things to fate at the moment.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 14/07/2017 12:50

You hear so many stories about people having an ivf baby first, then falling pregnant naturally, I think I would take contraception seriously if I were you, until you are sure either way.

Shoxfordian · 14/07/2017 13:42

Just leaving things to fate?! Here comes the second baby then!

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 14/07/2017 14:02

Well if you're already "leaving things to fate" then there isn't a discussion to be had, I'd there? You're currently (presumably) having unprotected sex and waiting to see what happens. I'm not sure why you started this thread. The decision to leave it and see has already been made.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 14/07/2017 14:03

Shoxfordian perhaps if you had spent a couple of soul-destroying years trying to conceive by having carefully- timed frequent sex and IUI without success you'd understand quite how unlikely that seems to us. What is more we barely shag once a fortnight at the moment we're so tired...

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 14/07/2017 14:06

IWasjustabouttosaythat no, a definitive decision hasn't been made yet. We are not trying for a baby, neither are we preventing conception. Once the decision is made we will do one or the other.

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 14/07/2017 14:06

There's a word for people who leave it to date re contraception.
Parents

Xmasbaby11 · 14/07/2017 14:08

I think if you're both open to leaving it to fate, that sounds like you're on the same page and it's fine not to use contraception. I can't see any problem with this. If you fell pregnant, it would be a happy surprise.

I think this makes more sense than using contraception for a year, for example, then deciding you do want to ttc.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 14/07/2017 14:12

I'm not sure why everyone is getting so critical about my saying we're leaving it to fate at the moment....if a second baby were to be miraculously conceived then we'd be very happy, so it's not a bad or irresponsible thing to do. But that doesn't mean that it might not also be right for us to stop that from happening.

OP posts:
MaisieDotes · 14/07/2017 14:14

You want another baby, that's ok. It's not greedy or tempting fate or not being grateful for what you already have or anything like that.

Not using contraception is just a passive way of trying to get your desire. Why not just go for it properly? I mean I know why not- potentially long hard IVF route. But if you admit to yourself this is what you want then you can move forward in whatever way is appropriate for you. Good luck if you decide to Smile

HannahGlasgowGal · 14/07/2017 14:16

Just as a note to the poster who said her boys don't get along, me and my sister have a similar age gap. We fought constantly as children, and struggled with feeling as if we needed to compete for attention until our late teens. We're now both in our twenties and I don't know what I'd do without my big sister, who would go to the ends of the earth for me, and me her. I know that's not very helpful now but don't lose hope. Fighting as kids doesn't mean they'll never have a good relationship

rinabean · 14/07/2017 14:18

It's quite hurtful that people are saying you are obviously going to have a baby from this when you didn't before

I totally understand what you mean. You see the pros and cons of both ways, so this is better. No contraception to worry about. No tracking or treatments to worry about. I absolutely get why you would prefer that. It sounds sensible to me, as long as you both agree, and as long as you both realise that yes, you could fall pregnant, but yes, you could not. If your heart isn't set on one or the other, this is fine.

Xmasbaby11 · 14/07/2017 14:20

You either use contraception or not. I understand that for you unprotected sex is not the same as ttc, given your history.

There are two options - use contraception, or not. Only you and dh can decide that.

I do have several friends in their forties who did not use contraception because they were only and had had fertility problems. Some of them fell pregnant again and we're delighted. I have to say though, one of them, 44, was very shocked as she was convinced it wouldn't happen. She thought it was the menopause and only discovered pregnancy at 21 weeks. It took her a long time to get her head round it. They are happy (dc is nearly 3 now) but they really weren't prepared. I know it sounds odd! So do be prepared for the fact you may well get pregnant!

WeirdAndPissedOff · 14/07/2017 14:22

As long as you aren't misleading DH (which you have said you arent) and would be happy enough if a baby did come along - then YANBU.
I also never understood why people are so critical of "leaving it to luck" if the potential parents would be accepting of any potential outcome?

However it may be worth giving it some further thought - there's a difference between being completely happy with either outcome, and leaning 99% in one direction with some lingering doubts. If you're closer to the latter it may be worth trying to come to a definite decision at some point.

BarbarianMum · 14/07/2017 14:25

I think 'leaving it to fate' is perfect, if you both agree. Far better than the pressure of 'trying for a baby' when you know this is unlikely to happen.

bridgetreilly · 14/07/2017 14:26

I'm trying to understand why you posted here. It seems like you've decided what you want to do now (leave it to chance) and in the future (think about it properly). That's up to you and your husband. What responses were you looking for, because so far you don't seem happy with what people have said?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/07/2017 14:34

Because of her age, a dd left it to chance and Mother Nature for baby number 2 - it happened a lot faster than she'd ever imagined, since there had been misses before number one - and she was well over the first anxious trimester before she even realised.

It was a very happy 'accident'.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 14/07/2017 14:34

Thanks rinabean.

weirdandpissedoff your last paragraph is spot on I think, at the moment I think both DH and I need to really think actively about what we actually want.

Hannah my relationship with my brother was/is similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 14/07/2017 14:37

Bridgetreilly I was looking for stories from people who had, or were, only children, to help me decide whether it was right for us to close off that little niggling thought that it might be possible.

I should just have asked that as a straightforward question.

OP posts:
longestlurkerever · 14/07/2017 14:43

Yanbu of course if you're both on the same page, but as someone who has suffered recurrent miscarriage my concern would be that getting pregnant may not be as unlikely as you think, but that's not quite the same thing as carrying a baby to term. Sorry to be doom and gloom, and I don't know how old you are (you say you were 40+ when ttc your dc but not how long it took) I just thought it was worth mentioning as it's quite difficult to step off that train if you do fall pregnant but have a miscarriage - your perception of "what will be will be" might shift.