To not be able to bring myself to use contraception

[JessieMcJessie]

I have an amazing 10 month old son, born after IVF. I don't have any specific infertility problems, but was over 40 when we started trying so had low egg reserves.

Had I met my husband earlier I think we'd always have planned a family of at least two. Having DS is wonderful. However there have been times since he was born that I've felt nostalgic for our old life of freedom, lie-ins, active holidays and spontaneous meals out.

I have a number of friends who have only children who are a bit older and most seem to have a great life, doing all sorts of fun things with their child and being able to devote a lot of time and money to him/her whilst seeming to have their own lives back too. DH feels that model is the best one for us and I can see the advantages.

However I have a nagging feeling that my son should have a sibling and that I would enjoy the rough and tumble of having more than one child. This may partly be due to being quite close to my own brother, particularly since our parents had both passed away by the time we were in our thirties (obviously a consideration for DS given my older age at having him). I also like the sense of purpose that being a Mum has brought to my life (personal view, not saying all non-parents lack sense of purpose!).

On the other hand, a sibling could really diminish the quality of our relationship with DS, particularly if he/she has special needs or challenging behaviour.

Realistically the chances of me conceiving naturally are ridiculously low, but I do have regular periods and ovulate. The time has come now that we should really be using contraception again. However I just can't bring myself to close that door firmly, even though part of me wonders if I might become pregnant and then worry that I am risking spoiling the wonderful life we have made by introducing a whole set of uncontrollable unknowns.

AIBU to not just definitively quit while we are ahead?

OP I really don't understand why people are being a bit funny with you.

Regarding the only child thing - my mum and dad were older when they had me and I am an only child. I love it and I really enjoy the time spent with them, however when they do pass I know I will feel very lost as I don't have any siblings to turn to. Of course I will have dp and friends who I already consider family but I don't think it is quite the same.

Having said that I don't think I would ever change the family unit as it was and the times i have from growing up with my parents (and still have now) are so special for me, equally if I had had a sibling I'm sure I would feel exactly the same way.

People are used to what they know and whatever you decide you should never feel guilty.

I really hope that helps!

We spent 8 years trying to get pregnant, had failed IVF, got pregnant with twins on the second IVF who we lost at 20 weeks and then had a singleton girl on the next round of IVF.

It was almost completely impossible for us to get pregnant naturally.

We discussed at length whether we'd do IVF again and decided not to. We spent ages coming to terms with only having one. Having made the decision that one was the right answer we then discovered i was naturally pg with number 2.

It's possible to make your peace with either decision, but even though we'd made the decision to stop hoping and not try we were both actively thrilled when the decision was taken out of our hands.

I know that doesn't help you, but don't assume that it is as unlikely as you think that it might happen before you have done the active thinking about it and discussions. So if you think either one of you would feel negative rather than positive if that were to happen to you I would encourage you to have those discussions earlier rather than later.

I'm sensing that your phrasing of "leave it to fate" is significant.

I'm imagining that you would like DC number 2, but given your challenges in having DC1 you are scared to say that out loud. Imagine yourselves in 10 years time. Do you think you would regret not trying for no 2 ?

I think it's fine, provided you aren't going to secretly get your hopes up every month and spend ages neurotically taking temperatures, doing pregnancy tests etc. I think that would be a bit soul-destroying because, as you say, the chances of natural conception don't seem brilliant. If you can truly leave it in the lap of the gods, then I think the plan is an excellent one! (I wouldn't be able to do that, so I would probably have IVF again or else use contraception, but I am bad with uncertainty!)

Op having another child does not diminish the relationship with your first child, not at all. Just to reassure you.

My eldest benefits hugely from having younger siblings, and we make sure to give her plenty of individual attention.

She has friends who are only children and their parents talk about loneliness. That won't be a problem as for her.

my dd is an only and loves it she would hate a sibling!

longestlurkerever that is a very good point about likelihood of miscarriage and the emotional impact, thanks and sorry for your losses.

I'd also hate it to overshadow enjoying my son's baby and toddlerhood.

Fluffy congratulations and thanks for the advice. It's stories like yours that stick in my mind and make me think that a miracle natural pregnancy might not be impossible.

stickthatinyourpipe yes that does help, thank you.

It sounds like both you and your husband are on the same page, I would just continue leaving it to fate if I were you, if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen and you haven't put lots of mental and physical energy into ttc, and no disappointment, and if you do fall pregnant it is a lovely surprise. Actively TTC with fertility problems is often quite destructive to relationships (from my reading on here and knowing people irl who have struggled), and won't allow you to enjoy your DSs early years, whereas maintaining your sex life and leaving conception to chance places no pressure on either party.

And for what it's worth I don't think only children miss out at all, DP is an only and never longed for a sibling, it is only since his DM passed away last year that he has said that a sibling would have been nice to have, to share memories of his mum. I have a brother, and although I love him, I was much happier as an only child. We are on the fence as to whether we want another child, dd is also 10 months, but my pregnancy was so hard with HG for the full 40 weeks I know that I couldn't cope with looking after the child I have now if I were to get pregnant. Having an only has many benefits, and I feel that by only having one, I can dedicate more time, money and resources on dd rather than spreading myself too thinly as I have seen with friends who have 2 little ones. 2 children is more than double the work of 1 so bear that in mind.

Thanks you silkpyjamas. 10 months is a great age, don't you think? DS has really changed a lot in the last few weeks and his personality is really starting to develop.

Shoxfordian perhaps if you had spent a couple of soul-destroying years trying to conceive by having carefully- timed frequent sex and IUI without success you'd understand quite how unlikely that seems to us. What is more we barely shag once a fortnight at the moment we're so tired...

I don't see the problem with leaving it to fate as long as you would both be happy with any resulting pregnancy. Except maybe you need a "cut off" age after which you wouldn't actually want a surprise!! If I had got to 45 without being pregnant I would have ran steps to ensure that it never did.

In terms of the highlighted above, I spent 15 years ttc with daily drugs, invasive tests, iui and ivf until we finally called it a day. In all that time I didn't produce any viable eggs but fell pregnant naturally 2 years later at the age of 41. Given that it had taken 17 years in total we also decided to not use contraception but not to actively try again. 2 years after that when we were 43 and 51 I fell pregnant again, so it does happen.

My boys are now 15 & 18 and get on really well and always have done.

I'm.an only child and Had a great childhood that I wouldn't have had if I'd had a sibling. My DH is the eldest of 3 boys. We have one much wanted and loved DS who is 2.5. I'm waiting to be sterilized. We both agree that one is the perfect number. We can afford swimming lessons and Tumbletots and holidays which we couldn't do with 2.