Stag do - WTF?

[SJaNH]

So my husband has just been invited to a stag do next year. Its for a good mate, godfather to our DD, so naturally he wants to go. However this is the plan..... 2 days skiing/snowboarding in Grenada, then road trip to Marbella for a few days of partying. All in all a 5 day holiday costing around £400 before adding extras e.g ski passes, ski hire, car rentals etc and then spending money on top. So realistically i'm thinking it's going to be around £1000 total, maybe more. We are saving hard to afford a family holiday this year (first one in 3 years), so personally I'm not sure about fully supporting this stag do. Also, why is it that men's stag do's seem to now just be lads holidays? We're not 18 anymore. Now married with 2 kids and 30ish. The groom to be doesn't have kids but similar age.

Well I'm not 18 anymore and I'm married with 2 dc and I go away for 5 days with the girls every year, maybe I am pathetic too and dh isn't 18 and his obviously married to me and has dc too but he goes away with friends once a year too, so maybe we are just both pathetic!

I see nothing wrong with the stag do tbh, I mean most people only aim to get married once in a lifetime so why shouldn't you go all out?

However the issue here is your budget clearly doesn't allow this so your dh has to say no as you don't have the money.

I think if you could afford it easily and could spare the annual leave that would be fine.

I think that if your financial position is such you haven't had a family holiday in theee years and this trip puts that at risk then it's an obvious "no".

It's not about being controlling it's simply about the sums.

I've spent more than £2k on hen weekends over the last few years, and lots on baby showers too. The world has gone mad.

I don't think we afford that kind of stag do so I guess my DP would have to say sorry I can't go. It sounds like you may be in a similar boat if it's taken you three years to save up for a family holiday.

If you have the money and the time and the childcare (that is, a spouse who doesnt object to being left with the kids for 5 days) then sure, go for it.

However, if any of those three are not available in abundance, then its just not doable.

Has he discussed how this money will be found given that you are saving hard for this years holiday? If he can save that much for a stag then why is that more important than a holiday for all of you?

Of course he wants to go, I would! But the simple fact is that the numbers dont add up, so it isnt possible. No one is saying he isnt "allowed" to go, just that your family doesnt have the money. Its disappointing but he will just have to get over it. You may well find that the closer it gets to putting deposits down/paying balances there are less attendees. If the groom is the only one without kids then the rest of the stags will have the same issue as you. I suspect that there will be less going than declining. Are you friends with any of the other stags partners to have a chat with them about their feelings to see how the land lies? He may not feel so bad about missing it if he knows that he isnt the only one.

Actually I think it is mean to organise a traditional event like a stag do in a way that means that people of normal means for your group can't afford or aren't able to come. It's not a general holiday, it's a special thing that people look forward to and want to spend with you.

If the financial situation allowed it, it would be a great holiday (because that's essentially what it is - in celebration of the groom, of course, but it's a holiday).

If you're having to save hard for a family holiday this year, for the first time in 3 years, it will clearly put more pressure on you financially than you can take. So he doesn't go, surely.

My friends husband had to decline going to a stag weekend in a British city a few weeks ago because they couldn't afford it - the groom-to-be was his best man and is the Godfather of their eldest child, but it simply could not happen financially. It's just the way it works sometimes.

Incidentally, I don't 'get' long weekend/week long hen and stag parties either to be honest - I am totally straightforward about things, so if I couldn't afford something I just wouldn't do it, but I imagine there are a lot of people who would get into debt over things like this.

Sounds like a fun holiday with his mates. Dunno why everyone is slagging it off.

If you can't afford it then obviously he can't go if he can then why not?

Not every holiday has to be family orientated once you're 30! Some people still have fun with their friends.

If best mate, perhaps he could just fly out for a couple of days during the Marbella part?

Actually I think it is mean to organise a traditional event like a stag do in a way that means that people of normal means for your group can't afford or aren't able to come.

Completely agree with this. When I had my hen do, I wanted all my friends there. I wouldn't have dreamt of having a big weekend abroad costing hundreds. Why would any real friend potentially put their friends in the awkward position of feeling they aren't able to come even though they might really want to?
Much better a great night out closer to home that everyone can enjoy, and if you want a holiday as well, then have one but it's not a hen night.

The people who are saying just go and what's the problem with a stag do like that are obviously rich in time as well as money.

We had one year when we had 5 weddings of close family and friends. Luckily they didn't also involve expensive stag and hen weekends. I do think they have got out of hand.

Also they are different to friends going on a group holiday where I assume everyone has a say on what the holiday is and the budget.

A stag do like this is usually organised by the best man and/or the groom and then other people are invited. Part of me thinks if you invite someone on your holiday you pay for them or at least a large part of the expense.

We sometimes invite MIL to come on holiday with us. As we are inviting her on a holiday we have planned and decided on where we are going, we don't expect her to pay, although she will pay for a meal or two out.

SJaNH can you (as a family) afford for him to go? Does he want to go? If it is a yes and a yes then get your £1,000 now and put it in a savings account, because you will be able to go on a 5-day holiday with your friends too.

Are you looking after the kids while he goes away? If so, good, he can look after them while you go away.

If he really wants to go, then fine, but you will get the equivelant in terms of time and money. So if cuts it down from 5 days to three and from £1,000 to £600, you do the same.

The family holiday can be anywhere you like within your budget.

By ensuring you also get equal time away from kids and money to spend you will see just how much he wants to go. If it really is a great chance to be with friends then fine.

If you as a family cannot afford it then he should feel able to decline.

Yanbu, an overseas stag do is a bit OTT, especially if it is 5 days. Skiing is also very expensive, people are entitled to have such events but they need to understand that friends may have to say no.

Last year I was invited to a long weekend in Spain for a hen do, I had to say no as it wasn't financially viable. It was very hard saying no as she's a good friend, however she was understanding.

I just had a spa day with some close friends, followed by a nice dinner, finishing of off at the pub. I did look at a weekend away within the UK, in the end I couldn't be arsed and the expense just wasn't worth it.

YANBU, I think the itinerary for the stag do is unreasonable. Perhaps he should only join the end, if he goes at all? £1000 for one person when you're saving for a long awaited family holiday is bonkers.

I would never want such a lavish hen do - not because there's anything wrong with going on that holiday with your mates if you can genuinely afford it (i.e. without your household losing out), but because it's not just a holiday. It's a meaningful event that people want to attend for personal reasons. Therefore I'd want to make it easy for them to attend.

If you could easily afford it (and for you to have the equivalent spending money and time away for yourself) then sure, why not. But it really sounds like you can't.

If you're saving hard but want to make sure he still goes then why not suggest he attends either the skiing or the Marbella. That way it seems fair both to him wanting to attend and also not taking a massive chunk out of the family budget for it all.

It's ridiculous how extravagant these things have become.

It's a (sad ?) product of "Generation Rent". Flagged up by market research firms about 5 years ago, it's now "a thing".

If you start from an assumption that you will never own your own home, then your spending profile will change to match. With ever eager retailers taking advice from market research companies on how best to get their hands on that now freed up (as in not-saving-for-a-deposit) loot.

How does it feel to actually see the tectonics of demographics shift before your eyes (and lives) ?

I think if a stag/hen wants to have a big stag abroad then that is totally up to them but I also think that they should arrange a local night out so that those who can't afford the time or money can still celebrate with the groom/hen.

I'm a bit raw on the subject after my DP recently went on a stag that started off at a reasonable cost but gradually trebled in cost with various extras.

I am now at an age when all my friends seem to be getting married and it is costing an absolute fortune in stags, hens, wedding presents, outfits, travelling costs, parking charges (yep next wedding we are going to doesn't have free parking)! It reminds me of the episode of sex and the city when Carrie starts objecting to the amount of money she spends on other people's weddings so decides to marry herself and get a gift list at malano blahnik!

totally not fair on those who would love to come but baulk at the price/have family to consider.

#lifesnotfair

So thing is it's actually the best man who's organising it. Apparently stag knows nothing about it so it isn't necessarily what the stag actually wants to do, and knowing him quite well we don't think he'd choose something so extravagant. Also, I certainly like the idea of doing something equally enjoyable, but our situation is that DH is full time carer and I work full time. So I'd have to take holiday to look after the kids which of course would be equally enjoyable in itself And for those that said let him go, he's very welcome to. We just both aren't sure if it's worth getting in debt for.

If you afford it, he should go if he wants. And provided you get a similar holiday on your own too.

If not, go on a family holiday instead.

I don't understand the need to go abroad for a 'lads' holiday, masquerading as a 'stag do'. Pretty juvenile really.

My DH would have to choose between attending his friend's stag do and continuing his marriage.
Not that he would entertain the idea of wasting £1000+ that we have not got in this way.

Spending a few days abroad relaxing and having fun with your friends isn't pathetic ffs. It's actually a really nice and enjoyable thing to do.

Really do not understand the philosophy that once you're married you can never have any fun again.

It reminds me of that song by the Beautiful South 'Don't marry her, fuck me:'

"Think of you with pipe and slippers
Think of her in bed
Laying there just watching telly
Then think of me instead

I'll never grow so old and flabby
That could never be
Don't marry her, fuck me

And your love light shines like cardboard
But your work shoes are glistening
She's a PhD in "I told you so"
You've a knighthood in "I'm not listening"

She'll grab your sweaty bollocks
Then slowly raise her knee
Don't marry her, fuck me

And the Sunday sun shines down on San Francisco bay
And you realise you can't make it anyway
You have to wash the car
Take the kiddies to the park
Don't marry her, fuck me

Those lovely Sunday mornings
With breakfast brought in bed
Those blackbirds look like knitting needles
Trying to peck your head

Those birds will peck your soul out
And throw away the key
Don't marry her, fuck me

And the kitchen's always tidy
And the bathroom's always clean
She's a diploma in "just hiding things"
You've a first in "low esteem"

When your socks smell of angels
But your life smells of Brie
Don't marry her, fuck me

And the Sunday sun shines down on San Francisco bay
And you realise you can't make it anyway
You have to wash the car
Take the kiddies to the park
Don't marry her, fuck me

And the Sunday sun shines down on San Francisco bay
And you realise you can't make it anyway
You have to wash the car
Take the kiddies to the park
Don't marry her, fuck me

Slightly dramatic post from Jemima there... Perhaps it's not the same for you, but even after marriage me and my DH have a whole lot of fun together. Not going will certainly not ruin his only chance at having some fun next year.

What do you mean LightDrizzle? Why can't you ski in Grenada?
Well, okay not in the city itself, but the mountains just outside are known for skiing

Grenada Granada