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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should i leave him?

34 replies

smellysocksandstickysweets · 13/07/2017 21:31

I posted this in relationships then decided i need some harsh home truths, so AIBU, here i am!
Im wrestling with this over and over. I think i am only with him because hes the father of my children.
But im not sure if im being a bit stroppy or childish so i need a sounding board.
So a quick summary - he doesnt compliment me, i lack confidence and have put a lot of weight on since having the kids.
he doesnt help around the house, but managed to go to a friends house to fix a door last week.
he bought a female friend a cd she'd like as a present just because, but didnt get me anything for our anniversary.
he texts lots of people, mostly women, but never replies to my messages.
he goes out a lot and assumes i'll not and look after the kids.
hes rubbish with money.

Im feeling very negative about the whole thing at the moment. i need some reasons to stay with him (at least for long enough to save enough money to be able to afford to leave him) but im struggling to know what is 'normal'.
Right now i dont feel loved, but is it better to be alone

OP posts:
SpottedGingham · 13/07/2017 21:35

You know the answer is yes, you should leave him. I hope that you can find the inner strength to do so.

Original poster
smellysocksandstickysweets · 13/07/2017 21:43

but the reasons feel a bit petty! im almost waiting for something worth leaving him for, but this accumulation of feeling a bit crap is starting to get to me now

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 13/07/2017 21:47

I think that you know in your heart of hearts.
Good luck op.

ThymeLord · 13/07/2017 21:50

Doing nothing around the house would be enough of a reason to ditch this dead weight. It clearly demonstrates that he has no respect for you. Life is too short op.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/07/2017 21:52

You haven't identified a reason to stay. Leaving him doesn't stop him being the children's father.

Original poster
smellysocksandstickysweets · 13/07/2017 21:54

with diy and putting the bins out etc, its almost like a competition to see who is more stubborn. then i do it because i get fed up. then i worry if i always do everything, he'll never have to do it coz i always do

OP posts:
IStoleDipsysHat · 13/07/2017 21:55

They may seem pretty because of the way you have written them but in reality you mean he doesn't contribute to the relationship (which should be a partnership) and you feel he has checked out mentally while waiting for a better offer.
Yes leave.

IStoleDipsysHat · 13/07/2017 21:56

*petty

Original poster
smellysocksandstickysweets · 13/07/2017 22:19

so do most men compliment/show affection etc etc?
Ive not had a proper relationship before him, i kinda dont know what i should expect? i have raised it with him many times, he just says hes not an affectionate person (i talking cuddles, public kisses, hand holding etc)

OP posts:
SabineUndine · 13/07/2017 22:20

He's taking you for granted: you're his housekeeper.

You deserve better Flowers

OstentatiousWanking · 13/07/2017 22:22

I was never so lonely as I was in my marriage.
He became an Ex when I had 3 under 5 and I've never regretted ending.
I honestly blossomed without him slowly chipping away at me.
Flowers

Original poster
smellysocksandstickysweets · 13/07/2017 22:29

how do i meet someone new with 2 kids? (and id be living with my mum!)

OP posts:
ExplodedCloud · 13/07/2017 22:36

You sound just like my friend before she left her DH.

TwoBusyCnuts · 13/07/2017 22:43

YANBU.
Yes - you should.
Leave - or kick him out on his ass.
Don't worry about meeting someone in the future, that will happen but it can't be your main priority right now.

Marmalady75 · 13/07/2017 22:45

Don't worry about meeting someone else. The first step is getting yourself out of this crap relationship. Once that is sorted then you can look to the future.

EarlGreyT · 13/07/2017 22:45

Right now i dont feel loved, but is it better to be alone
Yes, it's far better to be alone than in a bad relationship.

how do I meet someone new with 2 kids?.
That's a totally different issue and is an independent question to whether you should leave your current partner. Staying in a relationship which you know you should leave out of fear that you might not meet anyone else, is not a reason to stay in the relationship.

EarlGreyT · 13/07/2017 22:46

Marmalady75 cross post, but you've expressed it better than I did.

Original poster
smellysocksandstickysweets · 13/07/2017 22:50

very valid points. so now i start planning...

OP posts:
MumsOnCrack · 13/07/2017 23:17

If you choose to leave then do so but not on the assumption that you'll find someone new. Just get out of this situation first if you're feeling crap and work on your own confidence/general self-esteem first, otherwise you'll continue to rely on someone else for it.

Original poster
smellysocksandstickysweets · 13/07/2017 23:27

I will, almost a flippant comment about meeting someone new, I just don't want to end up old fat miserable and on my own. But that's not a reason to stay with him. How the hell do I go about it tho? We've got a holiday booked in September, I'm not doing anything about it til after then, but I do need to save and plan so my kids have the least disruption

OP posts:
MummysBusy · 13/07/2017 23:36

Have you spoken to your mum about how well she can support you if you did leave (you said you'd be living with her)? Do you work OP, or will you need to find something?

I haven't a clue how to do something like this, but those would be my first concerns.

yourerubberimglue · 13/07/2017 23:42

The relationships with other people have nothing to do with you are are petty .... but his complete neglect of you is entirely not petty and etitles you to LtB if he's not fulfilling his role x

grungeneverdied · 13/07/2017 23:49

The no compliments and texting women all the time but never replying to you shows you're not priority. As his partner you should come first alongside his kids. This is coming from a guy btw. I talk to my partner a lot by text whilst I'm at work. Just random little snippets about our day just to stay connected, I think that's the norm. Also he should be making you feel great about yourself. These things aren't petty they're valid reasons to be unhappy. The basis of great deep close relationships are built with small details add up. I'm half asleep if that didn't make sense but that's my opinion. Hope you make the decision best for you. Got work early, I'll take a look for update in morning 👍🏻

IshipTomHardysohard · 13/07/2017 23:55

Honestly life is far too short to be stuck with someone like him. Your doing almost 100% of everything anyway! So it's not like he is going to leave a void in your life.

My exh was the same, used to brag he didn't know where the hover was Hmm

He cheated which was heartbreaking at the time. But now to say me and the boys are very happy.

Do it! Go! Your kids will be fine

indigox · 14/07/2017 00:16

You don't need to think about meeting someone new right now, its an irrelevance, you're perfectly able to live your life without constantly being coupled up.