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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

should i leave him?

34 replies

smellysocksandstickysweets · 13/07/2017 21:31

I posted this in relationships then decided i need some harsh home truths, so AIBU, here i am!
Im wrestling with this over and over. I think i am only with him because hes the father of my children.
But im not sure if im being a bit stroppy or childish so i need a sounding board.
So a quick summary - he doesnt compliment me, i lack confidence and have put a lot of weight on since having the kids.
he doesnt help around the house, but managed to go to a friends house to fix a door last week.
he bought a female friend a cd she'd like as a present just because, but didnt get me anything for our anniversary.
he texts lots of people, mostly women, but never replies to my messages.
he goes out a lot and assumes i'll not and look after the kids.
hes rubbish with money.

Im feeling very negative about the whole thing at the moment. i need some reasons to stay with him (at least for long enough to save enough money to be able to afford to leave him) but im struggling to know what is 'normal'.
Right now i dont feel loved, but is it better to be alone

OP posts:

Original poster

smellysocksandstickysweets · 14/07/2017 06:02

I think the constant lack of loving behaviour is what chips away the most. For example, I got in from work and asked if he had a good day - got a yes in reply.
Yes I work, but shifts and I couldn't afford the rent on my own so would have to live with mum for a but, which she knows and is happy about for a bit. Plus he wont leave, I know this for sure. If I said its over, he'd say fine. If I asked him to leave he'd refuse.
I don't know if I love him. I don't expect love to be like it is in the films, but I cant stop thinking 'this cant be it, not for the rest if my life'

OP posts:

JungleInTheRumble · 14/07/2017 06:09

He sounds very disengaged. From what you've said it sounds like you'd be better off starting afresh but obviously noone on the internet has the full picture.

Why would you be living with your mum though? Can you not stay in the family home with the DC?

Original poster

smellysocksandstickysweets · 14/07/2017 06:22

When we've argued in the past (apart from threatening he'd have full custody of the kids hahahahaha) hes made the very valid point that I couldn't afford the house. Even with tax credits and maintenance from him it'd be a struggle. Where as if I lived with my mum for 6months I could save, and by then small one would be into free hours at nursery and I could afford a smaller house. Its stay with him a longer 6months or stay with mum. Tho honestly I don't think the kids would mind, its their second home, she is the other primary carer for them (school runs, takes bigger child on holiday, takes him shopping for my birthday etc)

OP posts:

SomeonesRealName · 14/07/2017 06:38

I think you need to start by getting some legal advice. It's not clear whether you are married or cohabiting (you mention anniversaries). Are you liable for the mortgage? If you moved out would he buy you out or would the house need to be sold, in which case might he drag out the sale? Your mum sounds lovely I'd bite her hand off if I were you. She obviously wants to see you happy - and you will be, as soon as you get out of this bad situation.

As pp have said, don't think about new relationships yet - that's a separate issue for another day - but just to reassure you, so many of us have found new wonderful partners yes even despite being single mums living with our parents!

Wallywobbles · 14/07/2017 06:53

I got divorced when my girks were 2&3. 6 years single worked 4/5. Easier as a single mum than with exh as dead weight at best.

Remarried at 45. Now have 2 step kids and à DH who is totally brilliant. And he thinks I'm sexy (he may be the only one that does). It's mutual. He does everything without my ever asking. Proper team.

Original poster

smellysocksandstickysweets · 14/07/2017 07:05

not married, we rent. im not that attached to the house, would take it as an opportunity to find somewhere better suited.
Hes at home today, im at work. Ive asked him to walk the dog, i know he wont, he never does, but he will tell me he has. so ive hidden the lead under a winter coat. Feeling very immature to have done this!

OP posts:

Original poster

smellysocksandstickysweets · 14/07/2017 16:46

I'm not surprised but another day and things are as expected. I'm seeing it more now I've made a decision.

I'm not sure where to start, any advice?

OP posts:

grungeneverdied · 14/07/2017 17:35

Have the talk go from there

The80sweregreat · 14/07/2017 19:44

He doesnt respect you. I am not one for saying leave, but its obvious he isnt interested in you as a person and not working at your marriage. it should be a partnership and this isnt.
If he is messaging female friends and ignoring you ,this is another reason for you not to be with him. Its sad as there are children involved, but i bet you will be lot happier without him. good luck, lots of help on here from people who know more than me, but whatever you decide i hope its the right decision.

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