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AIBU?

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Original poster

TO be ashamed of my recent spending habits?

35 replies

SleepyHeadThisTime · 13/07/2017 19:42

I'm ready to be flamed for my actions here and think I need a bit of a kick up the arse. I'm on maternity leave (statutory pay only) and have a card for my own spends which my salary goes into, and a joint account that both me and dh pay into.

I usually handle the joint account to pay nursery fees, but weekly shop etc. Dh bought some house insurance yesterday and checked the account balance just to make sure we had enough - he had to transfer £300 to cover it as I'd unwittingly cleaned us out (bought expensive clothes for the kids, treats from the supermarket etc).

On top of that I opened a bank statement for my personal account yesterday and I'm £850 into my overdraft Blush I've been spending on nothing - eBay, amazon, other online shops. Even I feel I don't spend anything from now until my SMP run and out I won't fill the hole.

Wtf do I do? I've just listed 20 odd items on eBay to sell but I'm in over my head.

OP posts:
Savelli · 13/07/2017 19:43

How much debt is it in total? Come clean to your husband and tell him you need help. Get him to confiscate your cards and give you a cash allowance. Sell crap you don't need.

1wokeuplikethis · 13/07/2017 19:51

Don't panic op, it's a lot of money to go on nothing (as in yo shoe for it/you don't know where it's gone) but it's not 'thousands' and it's good you've realised now that you need to stop. I've done something very similar while on mat leave and for me, it was being used to having X amount each month and missing treats/feeling affronted at being paid much less/cheering myself up on rough days with tiny baby etc.

Sell some stuff on eBay and send the money across to your OH. Was he mad at you or is he understanding? Be open and tell him you're worrying about how much your spending and you're really trying to cut back.

Buy your kids' clothes from nearly new sales/eBay/selling pages etc and don't buy any more for yourself until you're back at work and can afford them. Don't make your debt any worse by opening store cards (speaking from dreaded and ongoing experience) and e a bit more frugal with your weekly food shop if you spend a lot of money on that usually. Go somewhere like Aldi instead of Tesco where there's less chance of buying shit you don't need. Borrow books from the library instead of buying. Have cheap family days like picnics/feeding ducks rather than zoos or theme parks. Make lunch to take with you if you go to softplay or somewhere with lo instead of buying it there...go to bingo on 'free' nights and see if you can win a bit.
Don't despair though, it's great you've spotted it. The above is al the things I've tried/I do to save money now I don't earn anything and they've really helped. We did a spreadsheet and everything (boring but really helped see where mine was being frittered and how to recoup a bit).

DoveBlue · 13/07/2017 19:51

Was it late night internet shopping while feeding baby? Caught me out a few times forgotten I'd even ordered the things when the parcels arrived. You also spend more if you are not at work for 1/3 of your life!
Can you return any of the baby clothes?
Have you got a nct sale near you coming up (I got £140) last time I did one of those or a car boot.
Don't panic look and see where is cheapest for the debt to be (have you got good overdraft rates etc) then have a plan to pay it off at £X per month.
Please do tell your DH so you can work together.

Original poster
SleepyHeadThisTime · 13/07/2017 19:52

It's £850 in total which might not be much to some but it's more than I will earn over the next few months. Dh cleared the others £300 I got us into Blush

I'm going to have to tell him aren't I - I'm doing my best to sell all my crap but it's going to take s lot.

Does a cash allowance make a difference? Don't know how I've gotten so carried away

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepyHeadThisTime · 13/07/2017 19:53

Dove yup lots of late night one click type purchases

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepyHeadThisTime · 13/07/2017 20:04

wokeup defiantly used to having a bit more in the bank - SMP is killer! I'm at home with two under two and find it quite wearing - my little purchases are often 'treats'after a long day.

I do treat the kids with days out - could probably cut back on that. Meal planning and shopping at Aldi should help too.

I can't bring myself to tell dh - he was so disappointed when he found out I'd rinsed our joint account - feel so stupid having done the same but worse to my own account 😔

OP posts:
HannahMontannaBeachTowel · 13/07/2017 20:14

Oh OP this is so easy to do.

Going out to costa to meet up with people.
Taking the baby for a walk and ending up in shops buying treats or topping up.
An occasional treat after a bad day/to feel human
Sitting up all night and surfing etsy
Having nothing to do in the day so internet shopping.
I've done all those things and I'm dreading my statement coming in. £850 is a far whack to us as well. I hope OH is supportive.

RenaissanceBunny · 13/07/2017 20:19

Have you tried doing a home delivery for the food shop? You can see exactly how much you are spending with it. You can also explore the different options for products and choose the cheapest one which might not be obvious in the supermarket. If I'm a bit short of cash I order it one day and then edit it the next as often I find I don't really want stuff I put in the day before. I find that the savings are well worth the £2/3 delivery fee.

SpottedGingham · 13/07/2017 20:22

You don't need flaming. You need a helping hand. You've been impulse buying - is there anything that you can return? I can understand the need to buy things (especially with 2 dc under 2!)
Your husband may have been disappointed but probably would be keen to help you get over this problem before it gets worse. If I were you, I would speak to my husband and between the two of you, come up with a plan that pays off the debt, allows you "free" money to spend and find something to stop you doing the same in future. You're not alone. I was consistently in a lot of debt until I had a lightbulb moment (owing a hell of a lot more than £850) so I do know the temptation. Be honest with your husband and let him help you. Will be thinking of you xx

Motoko · 13/07/2017 20:31

Another option with the grocery shopping, is to make your shopping list using MySupermarket.com. You can compare prices between the different supermarkets (including Aldi), see what the running total is, and can print out the list to take to the shop, or order it online.

I do think you need to be honest with your DH though. Maybe work out how much money you can have for weekly personal spends and don't go over that. Any family spends (clothes or activities for the children) should be discussed with DH first.

Jennyhatesjazz0 · 13/07/2017 20:55

OP, I could have written this. I am spending SO much. First baby, first mat leave, five months in. I need to get out of the house every day so I'm forever spending £10, £15, £20 in th supermarket. Then there's baby clothes. Then there's treats for me, like you say, as a reward for getting through the day.

The good thing is you're not THAT much in debt but it's scared you enough to stop spending.

Yes, DH will be annoyed so you need to give him a solution as well as the financial problem. Selling everything you can will earn you a bit. Could you do any KIT days as you'd get paid for them? Be honest but realistic and show him how much you need per week WITHOUT leaving yourself short and depressed.

Original poster
SleepyHeadThisTime · 13/07/2017 21:24

Thanks for the advice I thought I was going to be donning my hard hat! Makes me want to cry a little bit. Can't really return anything as I've worn or used what I've bought.

I'll try mysupermarket.com. We shop in Aldi anyway but I think I need a list to stick to - I end up coming home with random crap like new water bottles for the kids (which they don't need!)

Argh I'll try and pluck up the courage to tell dh tomorrow - he's out tonight.

What a pickle.

OP posts:
guestofclanmackenzie · 13/07/2017 22:14

We've all been there, OP.

I remember being on maternity leave back in 2003 when the fire brigade were striking so DH's pay was all over the place. Instead of cutting back, I maxed out two or three credit cards. Started out £50 here and £50 there and before I knew it, they were all right up to their limits that were around £1000 each.

I stuck my head in the sand and tried to deal with it on my own but the stress of it was awful. In the end, I came clean but wish I had done straightaway.

The good thing, although £800 is a lot of money, youre not in serious debt that warrants refinancing and taking out a 5 year personal loan to clear (as in my case) you have had an eye opener, feel awful about it and now you can draw a line under it all now and work out how to stop it from escalating any further.

Don't beat yourself up. It's amazing how easy it is to get into bad spending habits when you have a lot of free time on your hands.

Tealdeal747 · 13/07/2017 22:35

What does dp bring in each month?

Groupie123 · 13/07/2017 22:56

Are you shopping because you're bored? Identify and recognising why you make a decision means you can often change it. Impulsive buying is rarely impulsive'

Original poster
SleepyHeadThisTime · 13/07/2017 23:02

Don't think I can do a kIT days as it's unlikely I'll be going back to work - two lots of nursery fees is too much! If you know of any other money spinners though I'm all ears Wink

Jenny throw in one click purchases on Amazon and you've pretty much described my spending habits - so easily done isn't it!

I contribute about a third to our joint a/c and dp the other two thirds. He's changing his job next year and effectively won't earn anything for a year which has thrown me into more of a spending frenzy - I've been worried we won't be able to afford clothes for the kids / treats etc. Ironic Hmm

OP posts:
Mammylamb · 13/07/2017 23:04

Hi, can you return any of the purchases for refunds? .

LovingLola · 13/07/2017 23:07

I am guessing that you don't use online banking? I think you and your dh should set yourselves up with online access to your bank accounts asap and get into the habit of checking them every day. That way at least you will know on a daily basis how much you are spending. So no nasty shocks when you open bank statements.

Motoko · 14/07/2017 01:31

it's unlikely I'll be going back to work
He's changing his job next year and effectively won't earn anything for a year

What's the plan for money then?

You could have a look at doing surveys. They don't pay much, but you might be able to make enough to pay for some xmas and birthday presents. MoneySavingExpert.com will have info on the best survey sites to use.

Original poster
SleepyHeadThisTime · 14/07/2017 08:54

Motoko we don't have a mortgage and I'll be looking for a pt job evenings and weekends to pay he bills and buy food. Things will be very tight for a while though which is what has thrown me into a panic buying frenzy, and is also why I have to get my spending under control!

I think part of it is boredom- I struggle to think of things to keep them both entertained so end up going shopping. With my first I was looking forward to going back to work (p/t) at the end of maternity leave.

I'll look into signing up to online banking next week when I can get to the bank

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 14/07/2017 09:33

The important thing is you've recognised there's a problem. Yes, your husband will be annoyed, but it would be worse to try to handle this alone and for him to find out later.

Some friends of mine swear by the Revolut card. You pre-load it with as much or as little as you want (or can afford) to, and it has an accompanying app that lets you track your spending:

revolut.com/

Original poster
SleepyHeadThisTime · 14/07/2017 09:52

Thanks Cough I'll look into that. Think part of the problem is it's so easy to spend mindlessly on a card because it almost doesn't feel like real money

OP posts:
Motoko · 14/07/2017 11:08

It's good you don't have a mortgage (and no rent as well, I presume), at least you're secure there.

You probably don't need to go to the bank to set up online banking. When I set mine up, I just went to the bank's website and signed up there.

Ivory200 · 14/07/2017 11:18

Don't beat yourself up over it, you've spotted the problem, now we can all help you fix it!

You DO need a treat at the end of a busy day with little ones, but make it a lovely relaxing bath with a cuppa and your favourite radio programme on iPlayer. Light a candle and lock the door, let DH be on duty for an hour. Or an hour sitting quietly at the end of the garden with a good book! Treats don't have to cost a bomb!!

Re the £800, look at Martin Lewis on moneysavingexpert.com. There's always something there about shifting credit card debt to 0% card, then setting up a standing order to pay it off in the allotted time. I had to do that once, it was such a relief to know the money would be cleared in a set number of months.

I second other advice, use internet banking and check it religiously, also mysupermarket.com is real help.
Best of luck, you will be fine now that you recognise the difficulties. BrewCakeFlowers

LaPampa · 14/07/2017 11:22

I can't really help over what others have said but it's a common thing. Mat leave is hard and at times boring and it's hard to not spend money. I found watching the minimalists documentary on Netflix helped (but you can also look at their website/ listen to podcasts which are free if you don't have Netflix) and trying to reframe why I was buying things. You've caught yourself before it becomes too big an issue - take heart from that x

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