PIL and Childcare

[MGFM]

By and large I get on well with my ILs. I have them over frequently when DH is here or when he isn't. I go and see them etc.

They only live 10 mins away. 20 mins with the way they drive.

I am going back to work in October fu time. 8-4. Both children (DS 2 and DD 10 months) will be going to nursery full time. Nursery hours are 0730 - 1800.

Before dd, DS was at nursery full time. My iLs asked to have DS one day a week. This did not save me any money as I knew there would be the odd time they couldn't so I would need nursery and I knew they couldn't committ due to they fact that they go on holiday for 4-5 months of the year. I had no problem with this and would drop him at 0730 on my way to work. It worked out we for me really as that meant they didn't want to come over everybweeeknd to see DS ( they love him dearly and he loves them - they have a cracking relationship which I am pleased with )

Now the issue of contact came up a few weeks ago. I made it clear that they would have to be fair and have Dd as well. Not necessarily on the same day but equal time as with DS. I have had some concerns about favouritism with DS over dd but I won't really be able to see if that materialises until she is older.

They ideally want one day a week with each. But that means me doing two drop offs two mornings. I would need to drop at their house at 7am! And how do I explain to DS that he isn't going to nana and grandads ? Just his sister. He gets very excited when we pull into their driveway.

I doubt very much they will want to come and pick up at my house at 0715. My husband is away for the next 6 months and them seeing he kids midweek relieves me of any pressure to see them at yhr weekend which will be precious time for me to spend with them.

I don't know what to do. Would I be unreasonable to say that they need to do the pickup? They sigguested I drop both a nursery and then at 930 ish they would go and pick up from there. I think that might be quite disruptive. What to do?

I should reiterate - this saves me NO money. I am paying the nursery for full time hours.

Maybe get them to collect the kids from nursery a bit later in the morning on the respective days? Would the be willing to do that?

If nursery agree, I would drop both kids there and get in-laws to pick them up. If your dc are in different rooms ds won't see his sister go off with grandparents and you do pick ups.

I think they would but would that be disruptive to drop and then two hours later nana and grandad pick one of them up?

I think yabu actually, your dd is 10 months and knows no different, why disrupt things? You cannot insist they take two or that they collect at what time. Just let them either stick to your current arrangement or collect from nursery

Would that annoy the nursery?

No course not, well they wouldn't in ours anyway, and I don't see how it would be disruptive either to be honest

would they be willing to do a shorter day with each child and collect from nursery at 11am?

Explain exactly as you have here that DS adores them and would struggle to arrive at their home and then witness just his sister staying with GPs as he is then driven to nursery. Emphasise their wonderful relationship with DS and how you want the same for DD.

No cabbage - you mean let them take DS once a week and not take dd at all?

She may only be 10 months old now but she won't develop the same relationship with them that DS has if she doesn't spend them with them.

If they are getting elderly they may find looking after a 10 month old too much. I would leave dd settle into nursery and then when a bit older go to gps. Continue as usual with ds. As soon as dd is more mobile and chatting they will love her just as much so l wouldnt worry.

They are in their early 60s - very very fit and active. They have a tandem bike and regularly do 30 + miles in one day.

How old are they? Might it be better to wait a while for them to have little one for full days? Depends on age and fitness but a 7.30 start can be tiring (been there, done that with my GC, love them to bits but wouldn't fancy it in a few years time.) Little one won't know the difference, or maybe they could pick her up at lunch time and just have her for 3 or 4 hours?

They retired early - about 10 years ago.

They had DS once a week from when he was 10 months old.

So do you think two full days would be a bit much for them?

Yes I meant not to take dd at all, well for the moment. You are just back to work, why not let everyone settle back into routine again and not put extra pressure on yourself then let them take dd after Christmas or when she is a little older. They sound like loving people, I'm sure they will bond no problem but I think it's a bit unfair to stipulate two days and very early mornings to two people in their late 60's who have reared their kids just "in case" they don't have the same relationship to be honest

I did suggest one one week and one the other. Hey don't want to go that long without seeing DS

I'd suggest them just picking up from nursery as they suggest as well. Not sure why you think that will be disruptiv.

I've had children at nursery do this in the past. Always works well and isn't disruptive to be honest.

Would only be disruptive if grandparents were then dropping them back to nursery at 3ish for you to collect in the evening but your op didn't read as though this would be the case!

Would they agree to half days at Nursery?

So you drop DS in the morning with his GPs, they then drop him after lunch at Nursery and pick up your DD.

Could make things easier for you?

Is there a specific reason they can't have both??

I have a friend whose in laws used to pick up her ds from nursery at lunchtime, meant they had a full morning there and then a nice afternoon with the grandparents, would also mean you only have to pick up at the end of the day? Might have consider location of nap?

I would suggest picking up from the nursery as well. If the nursery is like my DC's pre-school different aged children are in different classes, so your DC might not even see their sibling being collected by their grandparents. I think your DS will get used to routine in a few weeks and the concept of 'taking turns' is something he'll be learning at this age at the nursery too.

If they're fit and healthy and early 60's like you say, they should be fine to have both. My parents are late 60's and have DN3 and DNiece 15months once a week from 8.30 - 5.30.

I'd ask them to have both one day a week. Two fit adults and two kids should be do-able. My in-laws aren't tandem riding fit and still manage this.