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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal with ILS?

46 replies

Urubu · 12/07/2017 15:19

Currently staying at the ILS, we live in different countries so see eachother 2-3 times a year only. Similar culture though.
DH and I have twin DC, 3yo.
I am quite annoyed but don't know if I am BU, my problem is that the ILS basically want to to enjoy their GC but without any of the hassle.
So for ex they want to play with them for 10min but then will leave the room leaving the DC unsupervised (old house, dangerous stairs, glass, etc) as they don't see them as their responsability. They will give them things to do that require supervision and then leave.
They will give the DC ice cream (just before meals grr) but then expect us to clean up any mess left on floor, furniture, etc.

They ask us to feed the DC before the adult meals as they don't want to be disturbed.
Not once have they asked if we wanted help with feeding/bathing/teeth brushing, sun screen application etc.

From my point of view, it is also DH and my holiday and if we wanted to do everything on your own we could at least go somewhere nice to enjoy ourselves, instead we visit the IL in the middle of nowhere so they can see the DC, is it really BU to expect that they will at least help with the DC and ideally allow us to have a couple of child-free hours there and then?
I should add that they frequently have their other GC over (SIL's son) for weeks, without SIL there, but since ours were born they told us that as it was two of them it was too much. And they don't visit us because it is "too complicated" (they are mobile, no health issues at all, but apparently the journey is harder for them than for us with two young DC in tow).

DH isn't disagreeing with me, but he wants an easy life so doesn't say anything to them and just offers to look after the DC himself to give me a break, bless him.

So please tell, me, should I just suck it up or am I NBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 12/07/2017 15:22

Not once have they asked if we wanted help with feeding/bathing/teeth brushing, sun screen application etc

Do you and DH struggle with these tasks?

SootSprite · 12/07/2017 15:24

So you want them to host you and babysit for you?

If you don't like it then don't stay there. Surely this would be obvious?

They've told you they don't want to have sole charge of your children so what were you expecting?

Morecoffeeurgently · 12/07/2017 15:27

Everyone is different. When I stay with DD I play with DGD, make her meals, take her to the park, change her nappies, settle her for a nap, bath her etc. I do this because I love it and also because it gives DD & DSIL a bit of a break from the every day stuff that goes along with looking after little kids. Her other GP will play with DGD but not do the caring side of things. I don't think one is right and the other not.

TheMShip · 12/07/2017 15:27

YANBU about the safety issues. They should not be starting things that require supervision and then leaving the DC unattended, and they certainly shouldn't be feeding them ice cream before dinner especially if they expect the DC to eat before the adults!

The rest, I think you just have to suck it up, sorry.

MoMandaS · 12/07/2017 15:28

I think YANBU to be annoyed, actually, but there's not a lot you can do about it while staying there. Next time, stay somewhere nice an hour away (if poss) and they can come to visit you for the day a couple of times. I think you'd find that less irritating.

Pennywhistle · 12/07/2017 15:29

I have twins and I remember how tiring it was when they were 3yo but I'm afraid you have to suck it up. Sad

It would be wonderful if your PILs were up to taking full responsibility so that you could have a break but it sounds like they really aren't.

Just proceed on the basis that one of you needs to be there to supervise and ensure safety because they won't.

It's fine to say no to spoiling their dinner everyday though. Ice cream before dinner should be a very occasional Grandparent treat only IMO.

When ours were this age I found it much easier to ask for babysitting after the DC were asleep.

So you do the bedtime routine etc and then sneak off to the pub or the cinema- all your in laws have to do is sit in the house with an ear out.

eyebrowsonfleek · 12/07/2017 15:31

There's a whole spectrum of normal.

There's no point in being angry about it unless they've changed behaviour recently.
Your h won't ask why they treat his sisters' and his kids differently so you need to let it go. Is he a capable older child who's always needed less parental help than his sister? In my experience the childhood dynamics often continue into adulthood. If your h meekly stays silent then it is no wonder that they won't put themselves out there.

Who's idea is it to meet up? How frequently do you meet?

dollydaydream114 · 12/07/2017 15:39

the ILS basically want to to enjoy their GC but without any of the hassle

I think that's kind of the point of being grandparents. They did their parenting 30-odd years ago, with all the hassle that comes with it. I don't think it's unusual, or even that unreasonable, that they don't want to be in loco parentis and that their role is now a different one.

They're your kids. You chose to be parents. It's great to have help from grandparents with the more crappy childcare stuff, sure - but not obligatory. They're not babysitters.

FuckYouLinda · 12/07/2017 15:57

It's normal for me. My mum has forgotten how quickly a toddler can put something in their mouth or pull a table cloth so she forgets to clear away stuff that might be dodgy. MIL too. So I'm never off duty when we are visiting.

Also, neither have babysat for us. I did as my mum a couple of times when I was badly stuck and she declined. MIL agreed to do it for us then I found out on our return she'd just passed on the duty to my overworked SIL (which was the reason I didn't ask her in the first place)

thefutureisfemale · 12/07/2017 16:14

Not their job to parent your kids whilst you are on 'holiday'- yabu

MoMandaS · 12/07/2017 16:22

But the inlaws are creating work for the OP and her DH. I think they don't see it as you sacrificing an easier holiday in a more child friendly, generally nicer place. They think you've come to visit them with their grandchildren. Hence my earlier suggestion of a compromise, if possible, by staying elsewhere and inviting them to come for a day here and there. Would they/your DH be open to that idea? Is it feasible logistically?

HipsterHunter · 12/07/2017 16:26

Yeah I guess they just don't realise that you would have done something much more fun/child friendly.easier if it wasn't for them, so they are making extra work for you and not really helping.

They probably see themselves as hosting you and being all amazing.

Original poster
Urubu · 12/07/2017 16:37

But they ask us to come as they want to see the DC! There would be drama if we didn't.
If it was up to me, I would spend my holidays somewhere else, and would look after the DC my way, ie wouldn't give them a toy that require full supervision when I want to relax in the sun.
Being here is not a holiday, it is in the middle of nowhere, DH and I don't drive so literally nothing to do in the evening except watching TV (chosen by FIL).

I am sacrificing my holidays to be here, I really didn't think it was too much to expect the IL - who insist we come - to look after the DC a couple of hours there and then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Urubu · 12/07/2017 16:41

Do you and DH struggle with these tasks?

Of course not, but I don't enjoy every minute of it though Hmm
If I were in a holiday resort of my choice I would be able to hire a babysitter from time to time or put the DC in a kids club an hour or two to get a break with DH. Not an option here.

OP posts:
MermaidsTears · 12/07/2017 16:41

morecoffeeurgently will you be my mum please

Original poster
Urubu · 12/07/2017 16:43

Oh and the other GC requires more supervision than one of my DC, even the IL said today that they were amazed that our DC could play on their own quietly as their cousin never does. He is only a year older.

OP posts:
Deemail · 12/07/2017 16:46

I have never expected anyone else to take over when dh or I were there, I'm not sure I'd have appreciated it anyway.

Having said that there's no way I'd be spending all my holidays there, even half would be plenty. If they want to see the grand kids more often then they need to put in effort too.
Nip this in the bud now before it becomes set in stone.

Original poster
Urubu · 12/07/2017 16:49

MoMandaS good suggestion, not easily feasible bit worth looking into it, thanks!

OP posts:
wobblywonderwoman · 12/07/2017 16:50

My mil said, early on after Ds was born 'your own children are your own responsibility' so I took that onboard and never expect anything. No nappies or whatever - I do all as does Dh

My own mother let us down badly when we were dressed for a wedding and set to go -that she wasn't able to manage. Also she has never helped us out in any situation - so I have never asked her again.

She is constantly dropping hints that she never has the grandchildren and mil wonders why I don't visit as much. No harm to them all but they can't have it every way.

MoMandaS · 12/07/2017 16:50

Well you need to say something like we'll come to you once a year, you come to us once a year, once a year meet in middle or whatever. Never mind the drama.

BadPolicy · 12/07/2017 17:01

I think your ILs have been quite clear about what they expect to do when you visit, it's no surprise to you. Therefore you and DH have a choice - go or don't go. Don't go and then moan, it helps no one.

RatherBeRiding · 12/07/2017 17:07

It's not a holiday. Sounds miserable. I think you (BOTH) need to put your foot down and say it doesn't work for you. They want to see the GC that desperately - they make the effort to come to you.

I like the idea of one year you go to them (this year you have!) so next year you will have a property holiday on your own somewhere and they can come to you. The year after meet halfway for a few days (out of your holiday) then you go your merry ways.

Drama be buggered - don't sacrifice your holidays for this. You didn't have DC to provide entertainment for others.

Minkyfluffster · 12/07/2017 17:07

When we stay at my DM's and pretty much do everything, I asked her to watch toddler DD whilst I dressed or something and would return to find toddler on her own so stopped asking,

Now when we visit I get DD to bed and get DM to listen out whilst we get to sneak out on foot to the local pub, same as when at IL's.

Don't spend all your annual leave on the visits, book a nice trip away too?

BewareOfDragons · 12/07/2017 17:08

Honestly? I wouldn't visit them any more.

Yes, they are your DCs aand n your responsibility to look after them, etc, but they sound pretty extreme hands off to the point of leaving them unwatched?! Sorry, no.

I would tell your DH you want to go on holiday, with just him and the DCs, because visiting his parents isn't a holiday. If you're still going to be stuck doing every single little thing, even when they're supposed to be playing with them/watching them, and even feeding them separately b/c ILs don't want to eat with them, then they can fuck off and be alone. Or come to you when they want to see the DCs. Let DH lay this out for them: you're not coming back because it's too much work, so if they want to see the DCs , they'll have to come to you. End of.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 12/07/2017 17:14

OK here's my opinion:

So for ex they want to play with them for 10min but then will leave the room leaving the DC unsupervised (old house, dangerous stairs, glass, etc) as they don't see them as their responsability. They will give them things to do that require supervision and then leave.

I would say 'MIL I need to make sure the DC are supervised, please can you let me know when you have finished playing with them'

They will give the DC ice cream (just before meals grr) but then expect us to clean up any mess left on floor, furniture, etc.

I would tell MIL they are not allowed ice cream before tea. And I have done exactly that in the past.

They ask us to feed the DC before the adult meals as they don't want to be disturbed.

I would go out a few times for dinner. Otherwise if the DC will actually go to bed before you eat dinner enjoy that while it lasts Smile

Not once have they asked if we wanted help with feeding/bathing/teeth brushing, sun screen application etc.

Well at least you don't have to watch them doing some half arsed attempt or trying to force feed the dc etc.

is it really BU to expect that they will at least help with the DC and ideally allow us to have a couple of child-free hours there and then?

Re read point 1. Do you honestly trust them to look after them properly? I think you are dodging a bullet here tbh and if they wanted them on their own that would actually be a different thread.

But YANBU to want to holiday elsewhere, so would I.