Is this normal with ILS?

[Urubu]

Currently staying at the ILS, we live in different countries so see eachother 2-3 times a year only. Similar culture though.
DH and I have twin DC, 3yo.
I am quite annoyed but don't know if I am BU, my problem is that the ILS basically want to to enjoy their GC but without any of the hassle.
So for ex they want to play with them for 10min but then will leave the room leaving the DC unsupervised (old house, dangerous stairs, glass, etc) as they don't see them as their responsability. They will give them things to do that require supervision and then leave.
They will give the DC ice cream (just before meals grr) but then expect us to clean up any mess left on floor, furniture, etc.

They ask us to feed the DC before the adult meals as they don't want to be disturbed.
Not once have they asked if we wanted help with feeding/bathing/teeth brushing, sun screen application etc.

From my point of view, it is also DH and my holiday and if we wanted to do everything on your own we could at least go somewhere nice to enjoy ourselves, instead we visit the IL in the middle of nowhere so they can see the DC, is it really BU to expect that they will at least help with the DC and ideally allow us to have a couple of child-free hours there and then?
I should add that they frequently have their other GC over (SIL's son) for weeks, without SIL there, but since ours were born they told us that as it was two of them it was too much. And they don't visit us because it is "too complicated" (they are mobile, no health issues at all, but apparently the journey is harder for them than for us with two young DC in tow).

DH isn't disagreeing with me, but he wants an easy life so doesn't say anything to them and just offers to look after the DC himself to give me a break, bless him.

So please tell, me, should I just suck it up or am I NBU to be annoyed?

Wonder how many of the suck-it-uppers have twins?

Going to my ILs with 3yo twins was great, we used to get away for a couple of hours, plus loads of help with baths and the like apart from SIL taking it into her head to cut their fringes

going to other peeps' houses though was totally exhausting- no help, plus the constant need to keep eyes on HAZARDS

ugh

I'd just make excuses/flying visits only, till the dcs are bigger

That they never make an effort to come to you means you should stop wasting your precious holidays hanging about in the middle of nowhere with no transport, with nothing to do but watch fil's telly choices.

They have made it clear they don't want to take the twins off your hands. You are silly to keep going back. If the fact that you do is mainly driven by your dh, you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that most people do not spend their holidays doing the above instead of going somewhere that's actually enjoyable.

No they don't have to help you change nappies, apply sunscreen or put them to bed...but neither do they earn such devotion as they are being shown. If they can't be arsed, neither should you.

Well at least you don't have to watch them doing some half arsed attempt or trying to force feed the dc etc
Haha good point, this actually made me laugh.

I guess my problem is that they are actially nice people but a bit intimidating and quite posh, and I am shy so when I try saying things like please don't give DC ice cream, I always end up babbling and saying well I guess just this once etc. But I know that is my problem.

I like the idea of doing one year at theirs and one year at ours

YANBU - I get that your kids are your responsibility, but if you're going to be looking after the kids anyway on holiday, then why not do it somewhere you enjoy? At least, as you've said, you can tailor the activities dcs do to your relaxing levels. Quiet colouring while you crisp sunbathe, rather than being given old toys from dh's youth covered in bloody lead paint ffs, that might be my own issue there!!! that aren't safe/age appropriate/require supervision.
If they want to be grandparents without the hassle that's absolutely fine, but don't waste any more annual leave on going to them. Doesn't have to be a drama, just a firm, we will be in xx hotel in xx country at xx time. We'd love to see you, but if not we understand the grin is pivotal in turning this message from assertive into passive aggressive!!

Will show DH this thread, it might help convince him to change our holiday habits!

Practice saying 'dc isn't allowed ice cream before dinner' and then smile, but say no more. If you given reasons you've started a negotiation rather than stated a rule. You do it with your dcs, just be firm but polite. I believe in you!

My dcs are older and people who visit us with babies get time off - I know how precious it is, especially with twins. I follow their rules and tell them to physically go out so they can fully relax. It's not U to crave that at all.

I hope it does. His holiday habits are very selfish. Why the Hell would you want to spend every holiday with his mum and dad? Would he spend every holiday with yours? Why not?
Quite.

Make this one the last for some time. If they want to maintain a relationship with their gc they can make the effort too. It's not all on you.

Well I don't MuddhaOfSuburbia but if my PIL were useless with my children and put them in dangerous situations, why on earth would I want the PIL to look after them?

You knew when you went there they were useless OP, so either they come to you in future or your DH takes them on his own, and then you get a holiday from all of them.

It's one thing to accept that, as the parents, it's your own responsibility to do the hands-on parenting. But the ILS are going further than that- they are actively sabotaging the OP's own parenting. They are going against OP's instructions to give messy food immediately before meals, they are leaving toddlers alone in dangerous situations, they are setting up activities which need supervision and then leaving the OP to manage something that she never wanted to do in the first place.

If the OP and her H were to choose their own holiday, they could pick somewhere safe and child-friendly, they could choose mealtimes, they could do activities to suit them as a family. They currently have the worst of both worlds- spending all their holiday money and annual leave to go somewhere that doesn't work for their family, not getting any practical support (and in fact having to sort out the consequences of what seems to be unhelpful meddling).

I think you need to be clear with ILs and DH that this doesn't work. They can come to you, or you could meet in the middle at a suitable child-friendly location, but they need to accept that small children are not just something you can pack away when you're bored.

Is this visit as well as a proper holiday or instead of one? If it's instead then I don't think that's at all fair. It's not a break, it's just the same old same old but with a journey and some added hassle thrown in with DC not being properly supervised or given snacks before meals. Tis all very well you being summoned so your PILs can spend time with their GC but you need a proper break.

vikingprincess81 can I come visit you?

Skype them once a month. Job done.
Fecking hate fair weather gps. .

Things will change- twins will be able to play outside in the middle of nowhere whilst you sunbathe, in a year or three. Meanwhile short visits for the odd weekend.

My PIL are similar OP. We visited recently and I nipped to the loo, and even asked beforehand 'are you ok with DD if I nip to the loo, MIL?' Then while I'm upstairs I hear DD (1.5) shouting and come down to fine that she's got her finger trapped in a drawer, and MIL is in the kitchen merrily doing the washing up and ignoring DD. They have a dishwasher, so I don't know why she was doing the washing up at all, let alone why she couldn't wait until after I'd had a wee. Or instead of saying 'yes, I'm fine' could have let me know that she desperately needed to wash up so I could have taken DD to the bathroom with me, or if the urge to wash up came upon her, she could at least have responded to the shouting of a toddler in pain.

The previous visit she asked me what I was going to make DD for dinner, and I said she'll just have whatever everyone else is having. This was hours before dinner so I was a bit miffed when DD didn't get a plate or a portion, and was expected to share mine, meaning I just ate what she left. DP insisted that we needed to take DD for a walk before her bath, so we could buy secret food.

My DM, as well as my DF and DSM are at the other end of the spectrum and cook lovely food, and play with DD so I can have a bath or whatever. When DP is away with work I sometimes visit DM and I know MIL thinks I ought to visit them half the time, but it's really just me doing it all alone away from home, so DD not sleeping as well, and in a house that's not very child friendly. She doesn't seem to realise that I'm not taking DD to visit my DM, I'm visiting my DM and DD is coming with me.

@Urubu
Course you can! I live in the arse end of nowhere but you're very welcome. I even bring guests breakfast in bed in the morning

I forgot to say that our flight paths show the MDG flightpath too. (minimum destination grade according to CATS/KS2 SATS)
Immm

Sorry wrong thread

YABU re ILS, sadly they are fully entitled as GPs to do all the fun bits and none of the shit.

YANBU in that I certainly wouldn't want to spend all my bloody holidays doing this. Cut it back to once a year and start looking at the holiday brochures

They are your children, so your responsibility 24 hours a day. Not your in laws. I'm not surprised they play with them for a bit, then walk off, they are expecting you to look after them because it's your job. I wouldn't expect to be able to sunbathe or have a couple of hours off if I had twin three year olds.

I wouldn't expect to be able to sunbathe or have a couple of hours off if I had twin three year olds
Ha! Twins can be double trouble but they can also entertain eachother, put them together in a paddle pool and you can sunbathe for hours (watching them of course), same with a ride-on toy and they will take turns pushing eachother. Give them adult size tennis rackets like the ILS do and they end up hitting eachother on the head after 2 min if you don't actively play with them.