To give up with teen chores?

[EssieTregowan]

Dd is 13 and Ds1 is nearly 15.

The only chores they have are keeping their rooms tidy and washing up on alternate days.

Dd is awesome at keeping her room clean, Ds is terrible. When he 'tidied' he actually just shoves stuff under his bed so I eventually end up clearing it out every few months, by which time it's disgusting as it's dirty pants and tissues etc all mixed up.

Washing up is a disaster. They've been doing it since they were about nine or ten and it's getting worse, bit better. It takes them hours, between procrastinating and just fucking faffing. They never leave the kitchen clean, and I often end up spending my evening on top of them pointing out the bits they haven't done. Things like leaving an entire pan, or overstacking the dishwasher, or just not putting anything away. It's just painful. Not to mention the water everywhere and the greasy bits.

I can wash up and clean the kitchen in about ten minutes. DH is adamant that they should do it because otherwise I do literally everything for them.

But I'm just so sick of having to either finish the job or spend time and energy calling them back to finish stuff. Plus it's almost a guaranteed argument every single evening and I can just do without it.

Aibu to just say Fuck It and go back to doing it myself? Or is it vital for them to have some responsibility?

I've just had to restack the clean dishwasher and run it again as ds had put it on last night and hardly anything is clean. They just don't seem to get it.

When DD1 was starting Uni I dropped her off at Halls. One of the dads was laughing re DD (OMG what do you need all those shoes for?!). He & his wife were lovely tho. Their son had the room next to DD I popped back couple months later and he was really skinny. Nosey me looked in his kitchen cupboard - packs of crisps, noodles, bottles of fizzy drinks, & that was it. Loads of it. DD tackled him he admitted he'd never even boiled an egg at home. Couldnt cook at all. Never done any form of housework whatsoever. Not even dishes. & he'd been feeling faint/head spinning in lectures. He bought ready meals occasionally but that was making him skint. DD taught him to shop properly, and cook quick simple nutritious meals. I just thought how can parents send their child out into the world like this? More to worry about than how many pairs of shoes my DD brought with her! I worked Sundays for years & DDs took it in turns to cook Sunday dinner. They were 13 & 15. Theyre good around the house but no youngers are perfect - they still have real lazyitis days sometimes it gets on my last nerve, other times I let it slide as I know its not a daily occurrence. Honestly OP stick with it they'll be fine, and will thank you in years to come. Good for you - at least you're aiming to sort this out

I agree mistress, BUT as a student most of us lived on chips, or beans on toast. Chips from chippy are still pretty cheap and that with bowls of cereal, and toast is pretty normal student fare.

I have to say, they both cook. I'm not sure they know their way round a washing machine though, so I might have to start getting them involved in that.

We've had dinner and a big chat. I've made it clear that I expect the kitchen looking like it should when they've finished. They both moaned and said 'even the curry pan?'. I was line, I don't have magic curry scrubbing powers, if I can do it why can't you?

I'll let you know how it all goes.

Ermahgerd.

It's 6.30 and the kitchen is clean. It only took me going in once and then pointing out each individual thing to Ds. He'd left two bowls, two tins, a jar, the placemats and a random fork. And not wiped down. Also left the washing up bowl full of greasy water.

There was much huffing and puffing but it is all done now (and the 'extra' bits took approximately two and a half minutes).

This is progress.

Well done Essie!! Stick to your guns. Nice to have a success the first night you decide to get tough!!

I don't have magic curry scrubbing powers, if I can do it why can't you?

loving it

They sound pretty good if they have taken it on board so well. Well done you.
fingers crossed for tomorrow and dd!

Don't do it for them. I bet your DS will start doing laundary etc when girls get put off by the stench of his clothes.

Oh god, you'd think. But I'm afraid he's still at the 'skip the shower but liberally apply Lynx' stage. I'm hoping this passes soon

Oh my god OP your post sounds like I wrote it. I have a nightmare getting my kids to do anything, tried pocket money, rewards, banning gadgets etc, nothing works. I'm on the verge of giving up and doing it all myself but they will have no privileges at all and it will be miserable
They don't care if they don't have clean clothes and if I leave it I'll end up with a massive pile of washing in one go! Its so frustrating

Oh teenage boys and their Lynx.

If I am not sure if ds is up or is running late, I just go to the bottom of the stairs and sniff. Saves me nagging him, and it is very effective.

Ermahgerd. I must use this. :-)

I did a job involving working with privileged, pleasant but gormless late teens. I gave washing machine operation lessons, with remedials in the use of rubbish bins, tin openers and that beds need sheets.

Keep it up!

Oh PurpleBurtle

This is just it. I could come down really hard every evening but then they'd be miserable and so would I. And they don't give two shits about clean plates or sheets so if it doesn't get done they really don't care.

I'm tentatively thinking I might have made progress tonight though. And it didn't include me losing my shit, so basically I am winning at parenting.

And haha at going to the bottom of the stairs for a sniff. That's literally my morning routine in between getting the 5yo ready and trying to coax DD out of the bathroom.

Are you up? Oh. Oh. Yes. Never mind, DS.

Blimey DD. Gold star.

Sounds like you have started 10 years too late. Suddenly trying to lay the law down when they're teenagers just makes it 100 times harder on you and them.

Ohw that is lovely OP, they have risen to the challenge.

Love it when teens do this, makes you realise that everything you have shouted said over the last years hasn't gone in one ear and out the other.

Perfect example the other night, kids had done whatever they wanted from getting home from school till 8pm when I ask that they start getting themselves ready for the morning, this includes putting bikes away if they have been out on them, making their lunches for next day and as it was bin night my son doing these as he is suppose to so he can earn his phone credit. Que arguing as my son starts doing the bins because my daughter at that exact moment is not doing anything, so he is having a go at her, I'm telling him off for talking to her like crap, and its stressful, and they have only just started! So I said sod it, sent them to bed and done everything myself, and still managed to sit down 10mins before my program I wanted to watch started which never normally happens

Yesterday I sent them to bed really early and done everything myself again, when I explain why, they still don't get their arses into gear and help. I'm unsure what to do tonight might ban gagets completely as the house is a shit hole where they have just left crap lying around everywhere, but i will have to deal with arguing and moaning from my 14 year old who cannot possibly find anything else to do so will spend the afternoon/evening harassing his sister. Ahhh its so frustrating!

Purple - you know they are winning don't you?

I would remove all gadgets and insist on all hands on deck. If not done by x time you keep the gadgets tomorrow as well

I'm a bad Mammy, I bought the wifi to work with me today - only worked because they're at the end of their phone month

I know they at winning, but as OP says is so much easier to do it yourself when there is arguing every night sometimes.

All I ask them to do is keep their rooms tidy, put things away after themselves, do one bowl of washing up each day (no dishwasher) make their sandwiches for lunch during the week. I used to have one do sandwiches while the other does some washing up, but that didn't work because they would moan at each others ability to make a sandwich correctly! So they have to do their own separately now.

If they do this they can have their gadgets/games whenever they want. I ask DS to help with bins once a week to help pay for his phone and I ask DD to do a bit of dusting once a week for a little bit of money

The problem is its the same arguments every night and it is stressful. My son has just been diagnosed with ADD which has certainly made things make a bit more sense, its takes forever to get him to do a simple task. My daughter however just doesn't care if she lives in her own mess. They don't care about pocket money, they don't really need it at the moment, DD begs for things in the shop but I don't buy them for her and tell her to earn some money by helping me round the house, but she has pretty much forgotten about it by time we get home.
My aim is to try and have everything done and have kids in bed and sat down by 9pm during the week, this is near enough impossible if I ask them to help.

I'm not going to let my son play his xbox tonight and he has already had an argument about it, now he will just mope around the house, or go and disappear out on his bike whilst blaming his sister for me being annoyed and getting his stuff taken away.

My daughter has already lost her tablet, but she doesn't really care that much.

I'm going to try and persist though as I think its important for them to learn responsibilities.

My mum told me the other day that she did everything for us, and that's how kids are, but then I don't remember leaving mess everywhere and my room was always tidy. But I refuse to do that,as a single mum who works nearly full-time, is always knackered, I don't see why a nearly 11 year old and a 14year old cant take a f-ing bowl out or pick their dirty clothes off the floor. I just feel like I'm always nagging. Or maybe I'll just never have a respectable house.

Rant over

Purple, if they can't stop bickering while doing their chores then get them to do them in silence. Tell them the first one to speak has to do an extra chore.

Ha Jemima, that's a pretty good idea!

Go team! excellent result (and love the photo)

sorry, purple, I was sayign 'they are winning' a bit tongue in cheek, didn't mean to have a dig.

loveing the idea of silent chores....

and for anyone who remembers the sheets to be changed by saturday?

dd2, (9) Friday pm after being kicked off the computer and much door slamming and temper.
dd1, (12) Sat afternoon, after the most unbelieveable amount of prevaricating, most of which was along the lines of 'give me a hug"
ds (14) Sat afternoon, no fuss, but several attempts to bargain his way out (if I do this will you do my sheets???) and then he hoovered his room as well!

lost his train season ticket last night though. sigh

My daughter is getting worse and I've given up for the moment.

She doesn't have her tablet or her Nintendo ds but still will not pick anything up, she had a cry friday night cos she asked if she could have her tablet saturday morning which she normally likes to play on till I get up, I told her no whilst standing in her room with piles of clothes everywhere and explained why, she just got upset and said 'I was going to do it', so I explained all my expectations again and guess what? She still hasn't done anything.... I just don't get it. There doesn't seem to be enough incentive for her, she has always been quite messy and I'll probably never be able to change that

I'm struggling a bit at the moment with feeling quite down and I'm just leaving all their mess in the hope they will just pick it up soon enough.

Their dad is picking them up later to have them for the week so at least I'll have a bit of a break, even if I will have to eventually clean the mess they have left behind, so they will get away with it yet again.