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So low. I can't do this

26 replies

Bluebellsagain · 11/07/2017 22:05

I know I am being unreasonable to feel this way. I just have to post and tell someone how I feel because there is literally no one in my life I can say this to. I feel completely desperate. I have been a single mother since pregnancy to now 2 year old dd and I hate it. I was very much in love with her dad and even though he wouldn't stick around for us I thought I'd never love anyone that much again I just wanted to keep a piece of him. God I feel so shit writing that. And now over 2 years on I can't believe I have ruined my life like this and probably ruined my dd's life too. Everything is a struggle. I work long hours in an industry I hate because it's the only way to make ends meet for us. Family are dysfunctional, my mum has started being financially abusive to me (as she was with my dad and my stepdad), conning money from me, my sister won't babysit for less than £10 an hour which I can't afford so I'm stuck in a tiny 1 bed flat I hate. Evenings spent the same old way waiting for dd to go to bed, binge eating to fill the time (I've always struggled with EDs but have never gained weight so fast as in the past year), incredibly lonely. In hindsight I had serious mental health issues (self harm, shicidal thoughts, eating disorders, depression) before I even got pregnant. My family don't believe in MH issues or treatment for them and I very much felt controlled out of an abortion, I slept walked through my pregnancy. Most days I wish I was either dead or could just start again. This can't be right. I met a lovely man who has been so understanding of my situation but I know sooner or later the logistical nightmare of my life will ruin that too. I feel like I will be paying for my younger selfs desperate co dependency and depression for the rest of my life and worse I have potentially screwed up dd's life because who wants a mum who feels this way about her life. I know I am so selfish. I've called samaritans a couple of times in the past but I feel too ashamed speaking this out loud. I just needed to get this out tonight. Another night spent lying with dd til 10pm as she won't go to sleep on her own. I feel so low. Please tell me this could get better.

OP posts:
PovertyJetset · 11/07/2017 22:08

It will get better. But I urge you to go and speak to your GP TOMORROW.

Bobbiepin · 11/07/2017 22:16

Big hugs sweetheart. Keep going, it will get better. Please call samaritans tonight if you need to and get yourself to the GP in the morning Flowers

Blogwoman · 11/07/2017 22:17

Flowers for you. I often think of a relative who was fond of saying "nothing stays the same, the good and the bad". Things will change. When things are awful it can be helpful to focus on managing this minute, this 5 minutes... I'm sorry you feel ashamed to speak about it but please think about calling the Samaritans again & getting some face-to-face help too as soon as you can. People who are in support roles, like running Samaritan lines, won't judge - they want to help you through dark times. Hang in there. I hope things start to improve soon.

bluejelly · 11/07/2017 22:23

Flowersto you. Being a single parent to a toddler is tough. But it really does get easier (my dd is now 17 and life is (mostly) a doddle, but I do remember the dark times, pushing her round in a buggy crying because I felt so lonely...) Don't despair - good times are round the corner.
But in the meantime do reach out and get help from wherever you can.
And don't beat yourself up about the past. You can't change it - all you can do is learn from it and move on.
Take care and keep posting.

MagicMoneyTree · 11/07/2017 22:28

Having just spent another night lying with DS because he refused to go to sleep and spent 3 hours pissing about, and only being on my own temporarily because my DH is away this week, I cannot even begin to imagine how tough things have been for you lately. I genuinely don't know how you've got this far without speaking to your GP.

Being a parent can be tough at the best of times, but people who post about their worries on MN are NOT the ones who are failing their children. You clearly care about your DD or you wouldn't be asking for advice. Please don't try to deal with everything on your own.

I am forever thankful that I held onto the belief that things would get better during my darkest "I can't do this anymore" days. They did get better. Keep going lovely, you can do this xx

ChocolateFrogs · 11/07/2017 22:56

FlowersFlowers Please make an urgent appointment with your GP. Or do visit A&E if it gets particularly difficult tonight. Hugs for you OP. We're here for you Flowers

kissmethere · 11/07/2017 23:06

Flowers it does and will get better and you don't feel like it now but you're moving forward every day.
It seems mundane and necessary with doing what needs to be done. I also advise seeing your GP asap.

RhiWrites · 11/07/2017 23:18

You've taken the first step to change in naming your fears and your self doubts. That's very brave.

You're raising your daughter, you're working a job, you're looking for supper online. You are compassionate, hard working and reflective. Those are good qualities.

Think about where you want to be in ten years time. How can you get there? You can do it, but step by step.

Take care of yourself.

RhiWrites · 11/07/2017 23:18

*support not supper! Thanks autocorrect.

Splandy · 11/07/2017 23:22

It gets better. Honestly, it does. I spent YEARS wishing I was dead, crying every day because I'd woken up again and couldn't see any way my life would ever get better. Pregnant at 19, gave up my university place and future prospects and became a single parent living on benefits, no friends, no money, sitting in a tiny room all day every day feeling like I was suffocating, just managing to drag myself through every day, counting down the minutes until bedtime with a difficult and relentless child. I really never thought it could get better, just like you don't right now. I do understand how you feel and so do many others.

But here I am a few years later, married with another much wanted child, owning a house outright, learning to drive and studying for a qualification which will lead to a fairly well paid job which I'm good at. I have enough money to take my children to clubs, to buy things if I need them, to have the odd treat and to go on modest holidays. I feel content and happy, I love my home and I've developed an interest in gardening and happily potter around outside for a bit most days. They all seem like such normal and boring things but I never thought I'd have them. I never thought I could just feel happy with myself and my life.

Honestly, the whole world feels like it has opened up to me again, when it was previously closed off. I could go weeks without talking to another adult and thought that was as good as it got. Don't give up. Keep pushing and keep telling yourself that things WILL get better. The first step for me was getting onto antidepressants and getting therapy. I started being able to think more clearly again and got my brain out of the exhausted fog it was in. Making changes was terrifying since I had forgotten that I'd ever been good at anything or had any kind of value. Go and see the gp as soon as you can. Tomorrow, if possible. This needs urgent action.

kimothyroll · 11/07/2017 23:27

Your family sound twatish and havent helped you whatsoever.

It sounds like you may have post natal depression. MH illnesses are nothing to be ashamed of. They are real. They ARE treatable. There is so much support other there for you.

Please please go see your GP now! (Ask for an urgent appointment). I was so scared to do so and thought so many things like I'd be seen as a fraud or I was being dramatic, but they don't act like that (if they do they are a dickhead who should not be a GP and you should demand to see someone else). All I said was that I couldn't cope with life and they were amazing.

kimothyroll · 11/07/2017 23:30

didn't finish

Life will 100% get better I promise you. It's so tough being a parent and even tougher dealing with a MH issue. But you've posted on here, that's the first step to getting better Star we're all here for you

Wolfiefan · 11/07/2017 23:35

You're not selfish. You haven't ruined anything.
Your situation is hard. It's hard being a parent. Being a single parent must be relentless.
But you need to address the MH issues. See your GP. Confide. Get treatment. Start to see the light at the end of the tunnel and feel better. You can. You really can. And you deserve to. Flowers

LalalalaaaCantHearYou · 11/07/2017 23:39

I'm so sorry
I can totally understand it is isolating and lonely.
From a person who suffers from depression I get it.
You need to see your GP but also get out.
Go for walks, to the park, play groups anything even the library
Keep each day slightly different. Once your child starts school or nursery it will get a bit better I promise.

jeaux90 · 11/07/2017 23:39

Check out the lone parents part of mumsnet. You are not alone in the difficulty.

I struggled with the baby years as a single parent but it really does get better honestly. My dd is now 8 and since she was 3/4 it's been so much easier.

Do go see your GP and talk about how you feel. Maybe try single parent meet ups if you have any locally. Gingerbread is a good single parent organisation for practical and financial advice.

And honestly if you can manage to limit contact with your family a bit, I would.

And regarding the sleeping, if she is napping in the day it might be time to really try and cut that back if she isn't going down well. Co-sleeping is fine I did it to make sure I got the sleep I needed.

Your dd loves you and needs you. You are the only mum she has. You are not ruining her life, you are her life. Stay strong, be kind to yourself my lovely, these are the tough years, it will be ok xxx

Splandy · 11/07/2017 23:39

I posted quite a few times on her (under a different name) before I went to see my gp. There was a lot of me saying 'oh but I think maybe I'm supposed to feel this shit because I am such a shit, terrible person, so it's not that there is anything wrong, I'm worthless so it is normal and right to feel this way'. I really believed that I was right and that if I could just explain it the right way, people would understand what I was getting at and realise that what I was saying was entirely logical. It eventually sunk in after people told me over and over that that was depression talking. I wrote a letter to the GP so that I wouldn't have to talk. I couldn't bring myself to say the words and it meant I could plan it all and get everything down that I needed to say. Nobody ever suggested I wasn't a good mom or that I needed to have my child taken away, by the way. That was something which worried me and I think worries a lot of people but there's no need to worry about it.

Lynnm63 · 12/07/2017 00:01

You haven't ruined your life and you definitely haven't ruined your dd life. She will love you unconditionally.
Do speak to your GP and Samaritans. This period won't last, one day you'll look back on this and realise how far you've come.
Your family sound more trouble than they're worth so you may want to consider how much of their negativity you subject yourself to.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 12/07/2017 00:10

It will get better and please keep posting, both my dc were very tedious at bedtime at that age. Dd1 was so bad and I was so desperate for her to sleep I said done things to her I still feel guilty about - though I doubt she remembers! I remember feeling so isolated and caged. But they got older and you get some time to yourself back eventually.

I doubt your dd will ruin your new relationship but you have to be very upfront with dates that you can't go out at the drop of a hat - if he's a good bloke he will understand and if he doesn't stuff him

Carouselfish · 12/07/2017 00:13

Forget worrying about meeting a man. They are not the solution and when you're unhappy with your life, your unlikely to attract one worth holding onto if you know what I mean.
Your daughter is only two. She's not ruined. She's not just part of your ex. She's her own person and will love you more than anyone in the world. She probably can't sleep without you because she knows you're not happy and feels insecure (not your fault).
I know a lot of people would disagree with this, but since you hate your job and childcare is not working for you, would you consider leaning on the benefit system for a few months, just until you can find something you like doing more and taking away the stress of work, just letting you spend some quality time with your daughter while you job hunt? In some ways you would be better off, as you'd qualify for two bedrooms. You might be too proud to, but I'd personally sacrifice a little pride for the sake of my mental health and child's happiness. (yes, I have been on benefits during the first year of my child's life, going straight from being a student to a mum).
As others have said, Samaritans just for someone compassionate to talk to. Flowers

nina2b · 12/07/2017 00:14

It will get better. You need good support though so make an appointment with your own doctor as soon as you can. Like tomorrow. Flowers

Comedyboobs · 12/07/2017 00:27

You're not being unreasonable.
You haven't ruined your life, or your DDs life.
You are not selfish.

Being a single parent can be lonely, difficult and a bit (a lot) shitty at times. I've been one on & off since I was 18. I came through, you will too.

Keep posting, there are some lovely people here with very wise words of advice Smile

JustDontGetItAtAll · 12/07/2017 02:36

Op I literally could have written every single word of this! My 2yr old DD won't go to sleep alone too. I spend my nights waiting for her to sleep, crying about her Dad leaving and then binge eating.

I DESPISE being a single Mum. It's hell. So so so soooooo lonely.

I wish I had some answers but I just wanted to say you are not the only one.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat x

LeggyLinda · 12/07/2017 03:11

OMG. I don't know what to say but feel I should say something.

Please listen to people previously who have said it will get better - possibly a lot better. I know you won't believe it and I bet you are sitting their now thinking how can people say it will get better when they're not living my life. But believe me, people do understand and have gone through the same things as you and come out on the otherside - scarred perhaps, but better and stronger for it.

I found the saddest part of your post the fact that you have no one you can talk to about this. I can sort of relate as I do not have many friends and always found it difficult to forge good friendships. I have, i. The last couple of years rectified this a bit and you can too. Can you get out and mix with people a bit more? I know that is possibly the last thing you feel like doing right now, but it really helps with meeting people.

Evening classes, parent groups, social clubs anything really - hell why not even place an ad (daunting perhaps, but you will b surprised in the number of likeminded people who want company - just weed out any weirdos!).

If you are really finding it hard to cope and feeling suicidal then please see your GP as others have suggested. They can help you and put you in touch with the appropriate support. Remember, you do not have to be alone - even if you think you are.

I'm sure you are a great person and mother. You are not letting anyone down or failing. On the contrary, it sounds like you are doing an excellent job under the circumstances.

You mention you have met a new lovely man. Good for you and I hope that works out. Don't assume your circumstance will scare him away - he was obviously attracted to you so you are desirable. That said, don't put all your eggs in this basket either - you need to be a little bit selfish too (not too much) for yor own sake and for your chold.

Good luck. Things will improve - illulook forward to read the future post about how great your life has become - thnk positive!

e1y1 · 12/07/2017 03:14

It WILL get better.

Go and see your GP - TOMORROW, as soon as you start getting help
for this, the sooner it WILL get better.


MagicMoneyTree · 12/07/2017 10:27

How are you feeling this morning op ? Did you make an appointment with your GP? Thinking of you Flowers

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