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So low. I can't do this

26 replies

Bluebellsagain · 11/07/2017 22:05

I know I am being unreasonable to feel this way. I just have to post and tell someone how I feel because there is literally no one in my life I can say this to. I feel completely desperate. I have been a single mother since pregnancy to now 2 year old dd and I hate it. I was very much in love with her dad and even though he wouldn't stick around for us I thought I'd never love anyone that much again I just wanted to keep a piece of him. God I feel so shit writing that. And now over 2 years on I can't believe I have ruined my life like this and probably ruined my dd's life too. Everything is a struggle. I work long hours in an industry I hate because it's the only way to make ends meet for us. Family are dysfunctional, my mum has started being financially abusive to me (as she was with my dad and my stepdad), conning money from me, my sister won't babysit for less than £10 an hour which I can't afford so I'm stuck in a tiny 1 bed flat I hate. Evenings spent the same old way waiting for dd to go to bed, binge eating to fill the time (I've always struggled with EDs but have never gained weight so fast as in the past year), incredibly lonely. In hindsight I had serious mental health issues (self harm, shicidal thoughts, eating disorders, depression) before I even got pregnant. My family don't believe in MH issues or treatment for them and I very much felt controlled out of an abortion, I slept walked through my pregnancy. Most days I wish I was either dead or could just start again. This can't be right. I met a lovely man who has been so understanding of my situation but I know sooner or later the logistical nightmare of my life will ruin that too. I feel like I will be paying for my younger selfs desperate co dependency and depression for the rest of my life and worse I have potentially screwed up dd's life because who wants a mum who feels this way about her life. I know I am so selfish. I've called samaritans a couple of times in the past but I feel too ashamed speaking this out loud. I just needed to get this out tonight. Another night spent lying with dd til 10pm as she won't go to sleep on her own. I feel so low. Please tell me this could get better.

OP posts:
PsychoPumpkin · 12/07/2017 10:46

ANother vote for going to the GP!

I've had back pain since my youngest was born & have felt like I'm neither the mother nor the wife my family deserve. I was dreading each day as I knew it would be more pain, more feeling of failure. I was even starting to look at my husband & wonder why I married him (he's been my rock throughout all this) & wondering if I'd made a mistake in having my children. It all looked pretty bleak for months.

As soon as I went to the GP and let myself break down in front of her, she put me on anti D's & after a few weeks I feel like I'm waking up from a nightmare. My kids are the love of my life & I'm seeing how wrong I was about my marriage, finally seeing a life that can be good again.

Please don't suffer or blame yourself. I was a single parent to my eldest for years & it was rough at times, lonely & relentless, you're doing a hard job all on your own.

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