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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to a funeral with dh?

39 replies

Blossomhill · 24/03/2007 13:37

A friend we knew died last week

We knew him for about 4 years and his funeral is next week. I know dh is going but I am freaking out as dh wants me to go with him.

I am just so scared

I think I am being unreasonable but the fear just takes over.

OP posts:
lulumama · 24/03/2007 13:38

what you scared or fearful of?

hoolagirl · 24/03/2007 13:41

I am dreading anything happening with DP's elderly parents as I completely lose it and freak out at funerals. Have been known to run across busy streets not looking to get away . Am normal rest of time honest.

I would explain to him how you feel, to be honest I couldn't put myself through it for a 'friend' iykwim. But know i would have to if it was a family member.

fortyplus · 24/03/2007 13:44

It's very hard if the first funeral you ever go to is that of a close family member.

Try to persuade yourself to go - after the service the 'wake' is usually a reasonably happy affair.

beansprout · 24/03/2007 13:44

I felt the same about our neice's funeral. She was 18 days old when she died, and I was in the early, hormonal stages of an, as yet, unannounced pregnancy). I didn't know how I was going to cope with the sight of the little coffin and was terrified that I would be in a worse state than my SIL, the baby's mum. That said, I told myself that it wasn't about me and that I wouldn't be the first person to get upset at a funeral. And it was ok, in so far as these things can ever be ok.

I think a lot of people feel like this about funerals. Is there someone you can talk to, other than dh, who clearly has a particular viewpoint? Would you regret not going?

kimiTheEasterBunny · 24/03/2007 13:45

BH have you never been to a funeral before?

Spidermama · 24/03/2007 13:47

I find them cathartic. In fact I would have far more difficulty in dealing with the death itself if I was unable to go to the funeral and process it.

What experience have you of other funeral bloss? Have you had panic attacks at one?

Original poster
Blossomhill · 24/03/2007 13:54

I have only been to one and that was when I was 16. it was my bf's grandad.

I am scared of how to react, what to say to his family. I am so emotional and I know I will sob my heart out

OP posts:
saltire · 24/03/2007 13:59

I have , unfotunately been at a few funerals. I go to the service in the church but I cannot bring myself to go to the cemetary. My dad died 20 years ago this year, and i was with him when he died, and i went to the cemetary when it was his funeral and couldn't handle it, it was so final and cold
Perhaps you could just go to teh service in teh church, if you can't handle the cemetary. Then go to the wake afterwards. Don't be scared about being emotional, lots of other people will be

WideWebWitch · 24/03/2007 14:01

You're allowed to cry at funerals, it's expected and ok. I think you have to go to support your dh. They're often quite lovely and a celebration of someone's life as well as a send off and a ritual that helps with grieving.

KTeePee · 24/03/2007 14:03

I think one of the problems in the UK (assuming you are living in the UK) is that funerals are so often private affairs, almost by "invite only" so people don't get "practised" at going to them. Where I come from, especially outside the big cities, funerals are still very much community affairs and it is considered bad form to not go and pay your respects, even if, for example, you didn't actually know the person who had died but did know a member of their family.

When my friend's mother died last year, in her 80s, it was very touching to see so many young people there - friends of her grandchildren - most of whom had travelled 20 miles or so to be there for the family.

I personally don't like going to funerals and feel awkward about what to say to the family but I do think it would be rude not to go.

fortyplus · 24/03/2007 14:06

Blossomhill - I had to go to a friend's funeral - it was my friend's husband and our ds1s are best friends. There was a chrch service followed by cremation - she asked me to stay with the children during the cremation then take them and her mil home in the car afterwards. It's just about the hardest thing I've ever done - apart from babysitting the night he died.
But I do think that you don't need to worry about being emotional - in fact your friend's family will draw a lot of strength from it.

warthog · 24/03/2007 14:14

sorry to hear that

i think it's fine to cry and i'm sure you won't be the only one. i suspect that you may regret not going in a few years. it's good to say a farewell of sorts. i'd try not to focus on what you will say to her relatives. let it be spontaneous. they may be feeling awkward too.

you may be pleasantly surprised and enjoy it, strange as that may sound. my dad's funeral was a morning tea in the garden. we spoke a few words at the beginning and then everyone had nosh and chatted. was a lovely day, even though we were all pretty devastated. i think back now and i'm glad we did it even though it was hard.

Original poster
Blossomhill · 24/03/2007 17:12

Thanks for all your replies.

I am going, I know I should but I am just petrified at the thought.

OP posts:
Pixiefish · 24/03/2007 17:15

Take tissues and also focus on something to get you through. By that I mean make a list of something in your head. When you feel that you're getting upset then start thinking of your list.

sunnysideup · 24/03/2007 17:37

agree with pixi about having something to focus on; even something like counting the tiles on the floor or the panes of glass in the windows helps me if I'm trying to keep myself in check....it's what I did at my grandad's funeral, tho it all went to pot when they played the last post (sob)...however as has been said it is OK if you do lose it a bit, it is an upsetting time and people expect it!

Sorry to hear about your friend x

Elasticwoman · 24/03/2007 17:40

Focus on being there to support the deceased person's family, and to honour his memory. If you keep that uppermost, you will not be doing or saying anything wrong and the family will appreciate your taking the trouble to come.

Original poster
Blossomhill · 24/03/2007 17:42

It's just the part:-

I am so sorry to hear about your dh.

Will I make her cry? I know I will.

I suffer with anxiety so not the nest person for this

OP posts:
sunnysideup · 24/03/2007 17:44

blossom, there's no rule that says you have to say that.

Take or send a card with your heartfelt sentiments on so the family know how you feel. You don't have to say it. Also, his wife and family will be just like you, wondering how they'll get through it and it is hard to keep things together if people are coming up and being just TOO kind.....talk about the weather, the setting, whatever is around and about....I'm sure they'll thank you for it.

motherinferior · 24/03/2007 17:49

Blossom, I think you are doing the right thing. I totally agree with Spidermama: funerals - good funerals, anyway - are a really important way to say goodbye and also to acknowledge to yourself that someone has really died.

Just after I'd left school and gone back to India for a few months three of my schoolfriends were killed in a car crash. Because I couldn't go to the funeral, it took me ages (and a lot of nightmares) to process the information. Whereas the funeral I had to go to of my much-loved University tutor, a couple of years later, was a very healing and wonderful thing.

SongbirdIsEasteryEnough · 24/03/2007 17:51

It will be really hard, but do what beanspout did - remind yourself that it's not about you. Your dh wants you to go, so he probably feels he needs some support.

Don't worry about upsetting people, nothing you can say will make his family feel any worse than they already do, and remember that you're not going to 'steal their thunder' by getting really upset yourself.

I hope it's not too awful - funerals are bad enough without those evil early pg hormones wreaking havoc!

wanderingstar · 24/03/2007 18:39

When my father died I was so touched to see people I hadn't seen for years come to support us; even people I used to play with as a small child but had lost contact with (I live far from where I was brought up). I wasn't expecting some of them there but it was an act of huge kindness for them to turn up. He wasn't always an easy man but I felt it was a good send off. The family will appreciate your presence more than you will mind being there.

Sorry that's not meant to sound harsh, but to encourage you to go and be part of the grieving community without worrying too much.

2shoesonanegghunt · 24/03/2007 18:49

I was worried when dd's friend died recently. I had know him so long I was worried I would just fall apart. Amazingly i didn't (have to say one part I nearly did as they showed a pic dd had drawn)
Why not go but try to be at the end of an aisle so you can quietly leave if you need too.

Judy1234 · 24/03/2007 18:51

It will probably help you ensure you don't develop a phobia over funerals too if you go. You can certainly cry. It's not that long since my mother's funeral and we certainly expected people to cry there if they felt like it.

Gingermonkey · 24/03/2007 19:52

I went to my grandfather's funeral on weds. He was 92, he wasn't ill and he died quickly and painlessly (although I never know how the Doctor can tell that). We were incredibly close and his death has left me (for lack of a better word) gutted. However, his funeral was wonderful. The whole family were sobbing buckets, all you could hear was me, my brother and my cousins wailing (even my mum and her sister were quieter than us!) but once it was over and we walked out (to Vera Lynn's 'We'll meet again' - so true, I hope!) it was like a cloud had passed and the sun was out. It was so cathartic. We then all went back to my Granparent's house and we laughed and we chatted about our childhood and how much we miss him and how much we love him. My Nan is still alive and they had been married for 63 years, she is lost and so very sad, but also seemed brighter after the funeral. They are not as bad as you may think, and for me I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

charliecat · 24/03/2007 19:55

BH, even over in the internet you come across as very caring, you will come strong on the day im sure.