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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to a funeral with dh?

39 replies

Blossomhill · 24/03/2007 13:37

A friend we knew died last week

We knew him for about 4 years and his funeral is next week. I know dh is going but I am freaking out as dh wants me to go with him.

I am just so scared

I think I am being unreasonable but the fear just takes over.

OP posts:

3easterbunniesandnomore · 24/03/2007 19:56

NOt being funny, but this funeral isn't about you!
Yes, you may react...but hey that is what one is meant to do...tis o.k. to cry etc....try celebrating that persons life and the time you had with them!

DumbledoresGirl · 24/03/2007 20:00

I agree with fortyplus about going and going to the wake afterwards as they are usually quite happy affairs. It helps such a lot to have a damn good cry at the funeral and then go along to the wake and meet with people who loved your lost one and who usually hold it together really well at that stage and are able to share a few stories with you. It is comforting being with people who knew the dead person.

That said, I have never been to the funeral of a young person, only older family members so I imagine that has coloured my experience.

stleger · 24/03/2007 20:01

You will not make her cry by mentioning her dh - she will cry or not cry depending on how many tears she has left at that point. Go to support dh, let him support you - and give a silent hug if you find it hard to speak.

shimmy21 · 24/03/2007 20:09

remember you may cause her distress by something you say but you would cause her far more distress by avoiding the funeral with a weak excuse

Aquababe · 24/03/2007 20:10

I'm yet to go to a funeral that I've not cried at regardless of how well I've known the person. I have a big family and so have had a fair few to go to.
Hardly anybody ever knows the 'right' words to say. Don't worry your presence will speak volumes.

Original poster

Blossomhill · 24/03/2007 20:25

3 easterbunnies ~ I have to say I think that is harsh. I am not thinking about me. I am worried about how I will come across. Totally different.
It is something I know I have to deal with and anyone suffering from anxiety like I always have will know what I mean.

I am going to go and I am going to be strong. I want to go and pay my last respects and that's what it's all about.

I do find the whole thought of it really scary but I guess most people feel the same

OP posts:

LowFatMilkshake · 24/03/2007 20:31

x-posts

Blossom, when my DM died a couple of years ago loads of people came to the funeral - some of whom I did'nt know as they were her friends from the shelterd housing she lived in. But also loads of my friends came and even my boss, who is a complete w**r at all other times! But over loosing our parents we had a sort of connection (the only one)!

Anyway I had only been to one funeral before in my whole life and that was DH grandad. I did'nt even go to my dads or grandad as I was too young (6 & 11).

So not knowing what exactley to do I was directed by the Funeral director. DH and I walked round looking at the flowers then all the other mourners sort of walked up to us in turn(like at a wedding but sad) and each one just hugged or maybe said a few words. I even hugged my boss. I thanked everyone for coming - most people were crying and it actually mad me really really proud to see how many lives my mum had affected so positively.

Please dont worry about your emotions on the day, it;s a rare person who doesnt cry at a funeral - or is affected emotionally on some level (I know some people laugh because of nerves etc) . But whatever happens the family of the deceased will be just so thankful of your support.

3easterbunniesandnomore · 25/03/2007 11:00

Blossom, sorry was a bit abrupt last night ( I blame it on the wine, lol)...
I am glad you decided to go, like I said, it's o.k. to cry, it's o.k. to be upset, but you still give support if you go, iykwim.

KristinaM · 25/03/2007 11:11

Bh - dont worry about how you coem across. everyone will be upset and its hard to say the "wrong" thing. if you dont want to say anything its ok just to shake hands/ hug and give a sympathetic smile. or you can say " what a lovely service" ( if it was ) or what lovely flowers/music or soemthing like that. Honestly, she wont even remember what you said. just that you were there and you supported her and honoured his memory, celebrated his life etc

oud Ds died last year and I cant remember a thing that anyone said to us. but I do remember who was there and how much we appreciated their support

btw I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. its normal to be worried and if you suffer from anxiety you will be worse ! But I think you are doing the right thing, and your Dh will appreciate your support too. especially if he knwos how hard it is for you

sunnysideup · 25/03/2007 11:11

I don't think worrying about how you will come accross is totally different to it beng 'about you' actually. Sometimes people with anxiety DO become slightly self absorbed, that's not their fault, it's part of the condition and how it makes them feel.
It doesn't mean you are selfish in the slightest, it just means you are dealing with being in an anxiety state which makes the usual social skills much harder to keep up.

It makes you much less able to do as others here have said, and kind of go 'outside' yourself; to put your own feelings aside and act purely for others is something that's so much easier to do when you don't feel 'at the mercy' of these anxieties. i think personally in this sort of situation it's good for a person with anxieties to have a plan of action..plan what strategies to use to get through; sometimes it can be useful to sit near the door so that you feel you have an 'escape' route if you start to feel overwhelmed, and perhaps agree with dh that you will zoom off for a break if necessary so that he is able to support you in that and not be surprised by it. I think it's about thinking ahead so that you simply put a plan into action rather than having to think at the time "what can I do?"

Good luck, anxiety is a difficult condition to live with and this sort of occasion IS hard. x

Original poster

Blossomhill · 30/03/2007 14:04

Just wanted to say a big thanks to all. All of your advice really helped.
I was very nervous beforehand but once you go you just go with it.

It was extremely sad and I just cried and acted natural. I hugged his wife and actually didn't feel awkward as she made it so easy for me.

For me it was actually a really positive experience, which probably sounds weird but there definitely a celebration of his life

OP posts:

lulumama · 30/03/2007 14:07

well done you x

Original poster

Blossomhill · 30/03/2007 14:12

Thanks lulu xx

OP posts:

ThrowbackTo07 · 10/11/2022 23:51

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