To want to strangle my DH...

[Collienova]

... For saying I should 'break the habit' of holding my 3 week old and to let him cry it out? I refused. He said 'I told you what you need to do. If you don't want to do then don't moan about it'. I feel uncontrollable hormonal rage... We're both exhausted, but that's just cruel!

Seriously, though, how can I make him understand that CIO is not right at this age (if at all in my book). I think we may have milk supply issues with colicky episodes, maybe just colic. DS is feeding constantly and screams when I try to put him down even now when he's clearly exhausted.

Waaay too early, however if you are overwhelmed it's ok to put them down for a bit and take a couple of minutes.

Could you show him articles about CIO so he understands how it works? Also about the fourth trimester.

He's being incredibly selfish though, is it a way of saying I don't want any sort of responsibility?

Mine said the same early on. He kept getting annoyed because I'd breastfeed the baby before eating my own food. My baby had to apparently learn too.

Thankfully things have calmed down and I did things my own way. It's not that you need to instantly run to the baby when it cries but at that age, it's necessary to get on and do what the baby needs.

It's a pressure cooker at the moment. Can you try asking for little bits of help so your OH feels wanted and included? There's not much they can do in the early weeks and I think they feel a hi lost.

I genuinely don't think he's shunning the responsibility. I think he actually believes it would work. I'm by no means a mollycoddler as we have a DS5 and I need to get stuff done so I have to put him down. I've just reached the end of my tether after a day of it and asked him to try and wind him as he seems to have the magic touch. It didn't work so he concluded that we should let him CIO. Good idea on the articles. I will speak to him in the morning I think when I'm less fuming...

Pressure cooker is a very good analogy! I've definitely been trying to be better about asking for help as I have the tendency to battle on and run myself into the ground. I think that's another reason I'm upset. I asked him for help settling DS and he throws that in my face just because I disagreed with his suggestion. Probably not the right time to discuss parenting tactics, but a little emotional support would've been nice.

My DP has said the same to me about our 10 week old (9 weeks premature) DS. I've just said I am not comfortable leaving him to cry, that he's too little and that there is research available about the negative impact the release of stress hormones in a young baby can cause. He has let me get on with it and has since apologised and said on reflection he would not like DS to be left in distress

The best explanation I've heard for the cluster feeding in the early days is that your baby is just putting their order in. Baby is building up your supply. Have you tried using a sling? It's the only way I can get things done during clusters. Otherwise my house would be a tip and my 6 and two year olds would be like feral children 😂

Definitely too young. Crying because they need something at that age. Send him a link to this thread!

What an arse

It's cluster feeding. The three week growth spurt is exhausting. Your dh is an idiot - show him this thread! This stage will pass. Let him feed as much as he wants to, it will bring forth your supply. Your dh should be making you food and, once baby is detached from the boob, holding him so that you can sleep. Your baby isn't capable of developing a bad habit at this age. Make yourself a little nest. Put drinks and snacks in easy reach, hold your baby and rest. With dd2, who is now almost 6 months, for the first 6 weeks we held her and she spent a lot of time on the boob. At 8 weeks we started a bedtime routine and put her upstairs to sleep on a monitor. Around this time we started putting her down for naps. I used a sleepyhead which I put on the settee, then I slept alongside her. The sleepyhead is a safe way of cosleeping. This stage will pass. I suggest your dh read some books or websites as he has an unrealistic idea of what a bf baby should be like at 3 weeks. (Although a bottle fed baby would still want to be held at that age, ime)

Oh and I get needing to do stuff for the older kid - my dd1 is almost 6. But, that's why there are two parents. Your dh needs to pick up the slack.

Google the 4th trimester and get him to read about it. If you're breastfeeding skin to skin and cuddles are the best thing to do. Sometimes babies crying is putting an order in with your body for increased milk. Maybe look at buying a sling, I found one invaluable when I had my lb. it meant I could get on with things whilst keeping him happy and close, also would help with the colic by keeping baby upright.

You're doing fantastic and are not at all being unreasonable x

Sorry to hear you're having a stressful time OP. Those first couple of months are tough, including on your relationship. Not entirely the same situation but when my DS was newborn and cluster feeding my DP would often tell me to put him down (think he was echoing his mother who would say the same thing to me because i was "making a rod for my own back" ). I totally diasgreed. I explained that it was completely normal for DS to want to be held. He was new in a big scary world and we were all he knew. He was colicky so didn't want to lie on his back anyway. Also, these first months were special, i enjoyed holding my baby, enjoyed bf him and would make the most of it as one day he wouldn't need so many cuddles. DP came to agree and DS is a happy 5 month old who now settles easily by himself.

You're doing fantastic OP

When DD was that small and screamed all day long, I found a sling was invaluable to hold her upright and have her close to me but give me my hands back for a while. She had reflux and needed to stay upright for 30 minutes after each feed and the sling helped enormously.

It's hard when they're so little, so upset and can't tell you what's wrong, but it sounds like you are doing great! It will get better

The first few weeks are so hard, especially the cluster feeding through growth spurts, but it sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing by holding him - please don't let a tiny baby CIO. I got a close caboo sling when my son was about five weeks and it made so much difference - he settled and slept so well in it, and it meant I had hands free to do other things. I assume you're breastfeeding, has your DS been checked for tongue tie or any latch issues? Might be worth seeing a breastfeeding support worker or lactation consultant just to check.

Thanks everyone! Tired today, but DS is much better today... Just to answer some questions: he is BF and did have a tongue tie, which was snipped 2 weeks ago. Feeding well and putting on weight since then. I told my DH this morning that controlled crying should t really be done before 6 months. He responded that he doesn't believe this to be wholly true. I said that even the people who promote it say that. Well, it doesn't matter anyway as it's not going to happen. Just thought I'd keep it factual! I'm too exhausted to discuss this with someone who think they know everything...

The first bit is really, really difficult. Since you also have a 6 year old h your partner has already been through this once, what did he do last time?!

As for your little one settling better for his dad, I remember the same thing and I genuinely believed it's because I smelled of milk so DS started crying for milk.

Despite the fact I don't have a newborn, I clearly can't proofread.

And some people wonder why men leave all the child stuff to the mother. His thoughts and opinions have been instantly dismissed and people are calling him an idiot. If they do something that mum doesnt agree with they get berated so im not surprised they just let the woman get on with it as she always knows best. Unless its something dangerous (which is highly unlikely) let him have a go at doing some stuff his way and occasionally listening to him and giving his thoughts some consideration. In this example, leaving the baby to cry for a few minutes wouldnt have done massive damage and dh would have seen what happened and changed his mind through his own observations but he would have also felt more involved in his child

Was he a twat before the birth?

He sounds like a bit of an idiot if he doesn't even believe the people who promote it. I suggest you ask your health visitor in front of him to explain why it's not suggested.

My baby is over six month and it infuriates me when well meaning dickheads tell me to try CPO because there's separation anxiety going on.

And some people wonder why men leave all the child stuff to the mother. His thoughts and opinions have been instantly dismissed and people are calling him an idiot. If they do something that mum doesnt agree with they get berated so im not surprised they just let the woman get on with it as she always knows best. Unless its something dangerous (which is highly unlikely) let him have a go at doing some stuff his way and occasionally listening to him and giving his thoughts some consideration. In this example, leaving the baby to cry for a few minutes wouldnt have done massive damage and dh would have seen what happened and changed his mind through his own observations but he would have also felt more involved in his child

Or you could see this as a perfect example of a man setting his wife up to do all of the hard work with their baby because he is advocating doing something that is absolutely not good for their baby as an alternative to giving his wife the help she asked for.

This is not letting a 6 month old baby cry for a few minutes while you finish your dinner. This is letting a newborn - barely 3 weeks old cry it out - as in cry until he stops because no one responds to him. There isn't a sleep expert , including Dr. Ferber, who would advocate this but you think the husband should be listened to and let have his wife. Bizarre!

I'm pretty sure we're going to talk about this again. Just to be clear, he's not an idiot, I think he clearly believes this could work.

I do listen to what he has to say and we regularly talk about parenting issues regarding our DD. We have very different parenting styles and regularly clash. Somehow I think we always find a middle ground. On this issue there isn't a middle ground, though.

I dont think calling dh a twat is really helpful to his relationship with his kid or wife, yeah. Try letting him work some stuff out by himself and everyone will benefit- if hes wrong so what? He will learn and develop a stronger bond for it

Thanks araiwa - I agree. I've definitely taken a step back with DD and he does a lot with her now (his way) and I don't necessarily agree with everything. CIO is a biggie, though, and I'm not willing to compromise on that.