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AIBU?

Given an ultimatum what do I do ?

26 replies

Siennamarie · 10/07/2017 20:29

Me and my husband separated 6 months ago we only just got back in contact on amicable terms, we have been meeting up regularly with the kids he has been to mine and I have been to his. I thought things were going well, until he announced that he had been doing a lot of thinking and since we are both trying to make things work he will move back to the family home this week. I told him it was too soon, and I prefer to continue to work out our issues before we take that plunge because i still think there are some unresolved issues. He basically said I should let him know tonight whether he can move back in, that there is no point in prolonging things if we are trying to reconcile, wasting money running two home's etc . Also if I do not let him move back in, then he will no longer consider a reconciliation, and will make alternate plans. Am I being unreasonable? I really think it's just too soon, we had a horrible break up, whilst I want to give it a go, this ultimatum has ultimately reminded me why our relationship was not working.

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Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2017 20:32

Ultimatums can be very enlightening. Basically, your husband is saying he will work on the marriage according to HIS terms, and he really couldn't care less about any concerns and needs you have. I say let the fucker go. You deserve better.

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Justhadmyhaircut · 10/07/2017 20:32

Where is he staying now? Is the ultimatum because he wasn't to save cash or his marriage?

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wowfudge · 10/07/2017 20:33

Tell him exactly that. Giving you an ultimatum is unfair. Is he being asked to sign another six month tenancy agreement, is that the issue? He doesn't have to sign up for another fixed term and shouldn't be letting this affect how you deal with things between you.

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Softkitty2 · 10/07/2017 20:34

Don't agree to it if you feel it is too soon. Why should he dictate how things should go?

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ollieplimsoles · 10/07/2017 20:36

Also if I do not let him move back in, then he will no longer consider a reconciliation, and will make alternate plans.

Hes made the decision for you there imo...

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SasBel · 10/07/2017 20:37

Say no, bet it is about a fixed term tenancy!

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YouTheCat · 10/07/2017 20:37

Say no. If he's really serious about resolving any issues, and if he actually loves and respects you, he'll wait. If not, then that tells you all you need to know.

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HirplesWithHaggis · 10/07/2017 20:37

Just keep rereading your last sentence. You know what to do.

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DividedKingdom · 10/07/2017 20:40

I'd let him know you are working towards a reconciliation and hope you can continue to make sufficient progress to discuss how things look in X weeks/months time. Only then, you can discuss what would be the best way forward for a sustainable and stable living solution for all of you, but consistency, particularly the DC, is critical. Emphasize you're happy he's keen but the important issue is not time, it's rebuilding the foundation of trust for a long term future, so you hope he can commit to this approach.

See what he says. I think he's being an unspeakable twat based on your OP, but his response will give you any extra info you need to know that for sure...

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silkpyjamasallday · 10/07/2017 20:43

I'd point out to him that a reconciliation only works if both parties are happy with the outcome, one person making decisions and giving time sensitive ultimatums is not a reconciliation at all. To be honest it sounds like he isn't willing to listen to you or take your wants and needs into account, it may not be worth reconciling as he is showing you how important he thinks you are by trying to force your hand.

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ethelfleda · 10/07/2017 20:44

YANBU OP. He should respect your wishes if he loves you and wants to make things work. I do believe in compromise in a relationship though so I would personally try and have a proper talk about what is causing him to give you this ultimatum in order for you to maybe see things from his view point and then maybe see if a compromise can be reached that you're both comfortable with? Of course that depends on how much you want it to work.
Good luck whatever you decide to do but don't be forced in to something you aren't comfortable with... that doesn't exactly start the reconciliation off on good terms.

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Siennamarie · 10/07/2017 21:21

Thanks for all your quick responses, all saying what i thought myself. I wanted to work on our marriage, do you think it's unreasonable for me to want to work on the marriage whilst he is not living at home? Do we actually need to live together? Right away ? I feel it's far too soon, and I don't like the fact he is essential blackmailing me. His tenancy can be terminated at one months notice. He suggested that I should pay his rent then if I don't want him to move in...apparently it's due in a few days... I'm not sure if he is being serious about. I just feel he has taken us right back to where we started.

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Justhadmyhaircut · 10/07/2017 21:24

I would be suggesting he found himself a long term tenancy somewhere. .

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IStoleDipsysHat · 10/07/2017 21:27

No, you don't have together right away. You work on the issues that pushed you so far apart in the first place and set some solid ground rules. Moving back in before you are ready, he is already showing you he doesn't respect your boundaries and is making any problem you have with him your problem (I think it's too soon for you to move back, fine then pay my rent). This is setting the tone for any problems in the relationship to be your problems and your responsibility to sort out (it takes 2 people to make a relationship). This means he can behave how he wants and make your reaction to his behaviour the cause of the problem. You are correct, he is blackmailing you because he reckons you've had long enough to sort yourself out and it's time for things to get back to normal now, you've been indulged long enough.

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Sushi123 · 10/07/2017 21:29

Eh no mister, you don't get to call the shots!

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YouTheCat · 10/07/2017 21:29

Does he have form for being a controlling twat?

Laugh in his face regarding his rent and tell him there'll be no reconciliation.

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Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2017 21:42

YOU should pay HIS rent?! That tells you all you need to know. He wants it easy and doesn't care what you want.

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Whodoesthis17 · 10/07/2017 21:51

You need to thank him for showing he wants to be with you, BUT right now your just not sure and feel things are moving to fast for you and the issues that casued the split are still on your mind.
If he feels that unless he moves in RIGHT NOW you have no future once more thank him for letting you know this and with sadness you will abide by his decission, you hope that you can still have a friendly relationship but you understand .... and are sorry he wasn't willing to give your future more of his time.

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Mouikey · 10/07/2017 21:56

'Alternative arrangements'??? Ok, crack on with those then. Would be interesting to see what those are!

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Siennamarie · 10/07/2017 22:01

Whodoesthis17 I'm literally can do what you have written word for word

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Patriciathestripper1 · 10/07/2017 22:06

If it was the right time for him to move back in, you wouldn't even be posting on here.
I'd tell him to make other arrangements.
If he loves you he will still put the effort in.
Ultimatums never work and you will resent it if you let him back in before you feel ready.
I don't know what the split was over or who was at fault but He soundscontrolling and pushy.

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SaveMeBarry · 10/07/2017 22:21

I don't know what the split was over or who was at fault but He soundscontrolling and pushy.

^^ Agree with Patricia. In your shoes OP I would really be questioning whether anything has actually been resolved or has he just got fed up being on his best behaviour and now wants to get back to the status quo?

You made the break and it can't have been easy. To get this far and allow him move back in without being certain could mean you have to do that all over again. I'd suggest that could be more difficult for you all, especially DC, if you had to do it a second time.

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bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 10/07/2017 22:23

I can't believe he gave you that ultimatum!

If he is demanding to move in now otherwise he will call it off, then quite frankly he has GIVEN YOU his true feelings about your marriage - it's non existant!

If someone wants to be with you, they will wait for you; not suddenly tell you that it's over because he cannot get his own way.

I am hoping you see sense in this.

Not the same but my DF cut ties with me 36 hours after I told him that it wasn't a good idea for him to visit on Christmas Day due to a very acrimonious divorce only a month before and DM was currently living with us. We were arranging alternative dates in my house so my DM wouldn't be here whilst DF visited his then 8 month old GD and 3.5 year old GS. It showed that because we were simply saying 'Christmas Day' not the best day' he was willing to not see them ever again and basically spat his dummy out the pram! Nearly 2 years later he has not seen them and despite a quick communication with him at the beginning of May in which he showed an interest in visiting us, he never contacted us again!

Please continue with your life but reconsider being with your 'D'H.

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C0untDucku1a · 10/07/2017 22:26

Op he sounds like a twat. Tell him to do
One.

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Theresnonamesleft · 10/07/2017 22:29

Even if he moved in today his rent would still be due because he won't have given a months notice.

He's not really thought this through. Let him crack on with his alternative. People moving in together should be a joint decision, no blackmail and coercion.

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