To be a stay at home mum

[wwwwwwwwwwwwww]

So I've decided (always knew) to be a stay at home mum. I'm perfectly happy to do this with childcare costs being so expensive in London it won't make a huge financial difference, but even if it did I'd probably stay at home.

I've been shocked by how much people have questioned this choice and expected me to justify it. People keep asking about going back to work and are shocked when I say I'm not (well outside the home). Yet nearly all the mum's I know returning to work express unhappiness. My mother worked when I was a child and was in the minority. I'm genuinely surprised by how unusual people seem to find it. I've found myself justifying it due to the cost of childcare etc. As people seem so judgmental of me doing it just because I want to and feel it's best for my child. I think happy parents are what's best for children generally so if other parents want to work good for them. I also know it is a financial need for some. Though with the cost of childcare near me you'd have to earn a lot to make it worthwhile. Am I missing some social etiquette for this? AIBU to leave my career to be a stay home mum, because I want to? People also make comments that we must be loaded (I wish!) which I find offensive. Though obviously we can afford to eat and put a roof over our heads on one income which I know is fortunate. Some of the people saying it though a certainly more affluent they just have different lifestyle expectations. I don't know if I'm be overly sensitive. I just as surprised being a sham is seen as such a radical choice. I am generally a quite and conservative person so I also find it surprising that people think what I'd view as private family dynamics as up for public debate. Then how many children you're going to have seems to be as well.

Being a SAHM is what you make it. In my experience it works best if -

you're a person that doesn't particularly need or like structure to the day, but you're happy to go with the flow or create your own structure.

You don't feel demeaned or bothered about having a job title as this would not define you anyway.

You can't imagine things being any other way, so other people's opinions are irrelevant.

You're ok with the DH being sole financial provider. You both see what you do as equally important and a productive division of labour and you have equal access to all finances.

Btw - being a SAHM does not mean you are likely to turn into a drudge. Drudge work needs doing whether you work out the home or not. If it's too much, get a cleaner. But if you are the type that is very domesticated, you should feel definitely not demeaned by that, any more than someone who shuffles files around in an office or whatever.

, any more than someone who shuffles files around in an office or whatever.

Wow. So SAHM and these weird jobs of shuffling files around are the only options?

What about I don't know - other jobs like professors lawyers doctors engineers and the range of jobs and careers many working mothers are involved in? We don't just "push files around an office or whatever" you know....

I knew a few mums who stayed at home and had another baby within two years. London is expensive for childcare so it didn't make much sense. We were better off with me home and the kids probably benefited even if they had some paid for nursery days too. It probably wasn't the best choice for me but I was home six years and am now out the other side. Still in a stable marriage and I've got a whole new career and am almost paid as much as before I left work, albeit pro rata. Being home gave me time to consider other options and do a bit of study and volunteering to prepare for a new career. I'm a bit younger than the average london mum so it didn't feel too bad starting from the bottom - I get judged for being young more than staying home.

That's kind of the point though Umpteen. WOH could mean anything so it's meaningless, just as some SAHMs are bored and others are very fulfilled. Comparisons are pointless unless you have a particular job in mind. Even then, one persons dream job is another's idea of hell. For instance, I was a psychologist, but once I had 4 DC, I found them more interesting than my previous case loads.

YANBU not at all.
I have always wanted to be a SAHM. Dreaded the thought of going back to work after having kids. Now I'm due our first later this year and cannot wait to give up work, especially knowing it's for the best job in the world.

I know some mums who chose to go back work as they wanted to, I know some who return out of necessity. I'd never judge them as I expect to not be judged. But like you I've had a lot of people questioning why I want to "give up my career" etc. Won't I be bored blah blah blah. My honest answer is if I absolutely hate being a SAHM then I will go back to work but I just don't see that happening as this is something I have longer for my whole life.

All you can do is what you want and what you feel is best for your family.
But YADNBU to want to be a SAHM!

My twopenneth on the subject is that you do what suits you and it's no one else's business. My personal experience is that I always wanted to earn my own money and not be dependant on anyone, and that my daughter needed ME more when she was older and I was glad I reached a point in my career where I have more flexibility to facilitate that. Babies are "easy" to look after. Pre-teens/teenagers are much more complicated.

Silverstorm - just out of interest how did you fill your days so as not to be bored? Interested in your comment 'the day is what you make it' x

1t6 - I can only really give my perspective, for what that's worth. When the kids were little it could be overwhelming at times eg. When they were 6, 4, 2 and a newborn. I think I just learned to live in the moment and appreciate it for what it was, rather than always living for the next thing - deadline, weekend, whatever. Being with little ones helps you to do that, I think. It's exhausting, but for me I was always aware it was a unique time and I stopped stressing about things I didn't have time or energy to do and just went with it. I wasn't in the frame of mind to be bored, though it's was exhausting at times for sure.

Now they're all in school I love having the mental space (after 10 years of at least one with me at nearly all times). I can recharge myself in a way by following up on whatever interests me, so I learned a language, trained as a fitness instructor, manage some properties, etc. A lot of my emotional energy still goes to the DC though as there's 4 of them and DH as well, but everything feels more manageable this way. It may not be "enough" maybe for some people, but it suits my temperament and it's a privilege really.

Your (and your family's) choice. No other opinion matters. 2 things; 1)please make sure you continue to pay into a private/personal pension and 2)the judgement/opinions whatever the choice made are only ever passed against mothers. A Father is praised whether he works or whether he stays at home. How the fuck is that fair?
I work. I love it. Love my job.
I've never had any questions or opinions about my choice so feel quite lucky as it seems that many PPs seem to have experienced judgement etc.

Women are judged at every step of their lives. You can kind of tune it out before you have kids but as soon as you do either the volume increases or your sensitivity to it does (I'm not sure which) and it can become deafening. Ignore. Mothers who work are judged as well. The very fact that we have the phrase " working mum" (or "career woman") speaks volumes.

With the best will in the world OP nobody marries and plans a family anticipating a divorce.

Obviously I hope you are right but just remember some of the people who want you to think twice may have been in the same situation and had it backfire so may come across as less supportive for that reason.

Prior to my own divorce I was supportive of SAHM if it suited everyone involved, now I would recommend every mother has a back up plan and that generally means gainful employment and savings.

Rose tinted glasses and happiness by all means but always have a worst case scenario back up plan, be prepared!

Slightly off topic but I was on the way back from a museum trip and bottle feeding my younger on the tube - in the buggy. ( she was hungry after falling asleep and we couldn't wait). I got a few stares and felt terrible imagining how they all must be thinking what a terrible mother I am.

And then I realised: if I was breastfeeding (which I also had with dd2) they would also stare. I would feel uncomfortable for a different reason but I would still feel the staring.

People say crap they really don't think through and relate only to their immediate average experience. If you have the energy OP please straighten up some of these stereotypes- otherwise ignore :)

The mistake you made was making a choice, Daspepe. See, thing is that as soon as a woman makes a choice, she is deciding to do something that works for her. Whether that's having kids or not, or breastfeeding or not, or working or not - it is evidence of self determination and that means she is being selfish.

You would be judged either way to be honest. I always find it's those who are most sneering of not working who expect you to be available as on-tap 'emergency' childcare too. Watch out for that. For that reason I wouldn't make it widely known you are not planning to go back to work if I were you. You could get inundated with last minute requests.

It's really got nothing to do with anyone else but your little family. Perhaps you are being sensitive as I'm returning to work and have been asked similar probing questions as to why...I just say that's what we have decided.

And user is right ^

This has been done to death.

I don't work and I don't have kids (yet). No one has ever judged me or said something unkind. Get nicer friends.

You'll get judged whatever, so grow a rhick skin and ignore it. Both sahm and working mums have both made equally valuable, valid choices.
The only thing I would say is just be mindful that you are giving up your independence so please make sure you are protected financially should you split or anything happen. Loads of women who give up work are left in the shit financially so just ensure as far as possible you will be ok. The idea of being a sahm terrifies me but that's probably due to being a lone parent.
Also, don't rule out the possibility that you may actually want to go back to work, and that's ok too. I'd be vague about your plans for work to other people in case you change your mind.

I admit that I had a huge chip on my shoulder regarding SAHMs which was borne out of jealousy (and I am sure this is NOT the case for everyone). Ex H left when I was pregnant, I was overseas and had only six weeks of maternity leave and had zero choice but to get back to work when DD was very tiny. I would have loved to have had even six months off and spent years envying women whose partners were supportive and who were at home. Looking back, I'd have made a lousy SAHM and, given the choice, would have gone back to work anyway - but the lack of choice made me have to bite my tongue when hearing of others' options. Completely unreasonable obviously!! As PPs have said, your and your partner's choice and you have no need to justify your decision to anyone.