Boiling with fury at friend's paedophile father **Trigger Warning**

[seriouslyconsideringbeingawful]

NC for obvious reasons.

For clarity, I was NOT abused by this man.

When I was growing up I spent many weekends with a friend, his brothers and their parents. They were friends of the family.

When I was in my early 20's the father of my friend was jailed for paedophilic crimes - serious and planned. All about the time when I was staying there.

I remain 'friends' with my childhood friend, largely on Facebook, and the odd email. We have never mentioned his father. I always presumed that it'd be hard enough having a parent who was a sexual predator without having to discuss it into adulthood. As far as I knew he had no contact with his father (he has children including a daughter).

Today he posted on Facebook that his father has cancer, asking for people who have survived similar to get in touch to help support, to see if he can arrange calls between his father and other survivors.

All I WANT to do is post on the thread about the crimes linking to the relevant news articles. Just so people know the type of man they'd be helping.

I know what I should do is unfriend old-friend, or at least block, and move on. But I'm furious about it, I'm furious that unwitting people will be speaking to and supporting this absolute arse-cunt who wantonly destroyed the lives of several young children and whose crimes are fucking appalling.

WIBU to follow my heart on this one, or should I step away quietly? I wonder about the legalities, but everything I would say is true and documented in the press, it's not slander/liable.

I would block and move on, I don't think the family would thank you for dragging it all up.

Stay away and block.

I would quietly move on.

You're both right, of course. I just want to destroy his bastard-life.

I know I can't and all I'd be doing is hurting the people that love him.

Still want to though...

ps I promise I'm usually quite rational.

Do NOT do that. Get the thought of your head and move on. I would be less certain of giving the same advice if you had been abused by this man personally, but that is not the case here.

Nah, I'd truly,truly,truly be posting "your father? The one who is a convicted paedophile? < add links to cases>

Karma's a bitch, isn't it ?"

Yes, I know it was your friend's dad, but he was/is an evil man who destroyed childrens' lives.

I'm a cancer survivor. I know that the NHS will throw all the available treatments at him, and also that there will be monetary support offered.

But my money? My support?

No chance ,

I think people should be aware. Cancer survivors have children - and he could try to get access to them.

Good grief, why would you do this? I could understand if you had been personally affected.

I don't blame you, I'd be livid if discovered I'd emotionally or practically supported a paedophile.
I could never see my father again if he'd abused children like that. Sounds like your friend has totally white washed his dads past.

What if someone agrees to meet him to offer support and takes their kids along? I'd be so angry if I did that a later found our the guy was a child abuser

I have been in a similar position to your friend. If this is doing your head in, chances are it's doing HIS head in x 100.

Yes his Dad is the lowest of the low in society - but he is still his Dad and it's a very difficult thing to deal with - both the pedophilia and a parent dying.

I'd say try to imagine this was your parent. I'm sure you can't because it's absolutely impossible to know how you would feel until something hideous, life altering and unfathomable like this happens. Up until it happens you don't remotely consider it would be possible for someone you love to act in this despicable way.

So think about what you want to achieve before you act or don't act, is all I'd say. This may irreparably damage your friendship - if you are OK with that then own it. I have no sympathy for the pedophile, cancer or no cancer.

And please don't be too harsh on your friend as this is mostly likely pretty unbearable already for him.

They should know they're being asked to support and contact a convicted paedophile. It's irrelevant that the OP wasn't abused by this man. Other children were and they count as much. It's not as if you're spreading unfounded rumours, which would be wrong. You have the facts and so should the people who are being asked to help and contact him.

You are definitely not being unreasonable in feeling that way. I do think that it is inappropriate that friends, friends of friends etc should be asked to get in touch with this man to share encouraging stories and personal details of their own struggles with cancer. I think they would feel awful if it came out later that they had been comforting a convicted child abuser.
Could you print something which stops short of naming his crimes but does suggest that you have knowledge about the unsuitable nature of this?
Perhaps post "I do not think, in the circumstances, that this is an appropriate thing to ask of people who may not have all the facts"?
Either that or direct message your friend & say that they need to take this request down because you can't, in good conscience, all other cancer sufferers or their families to bond with this man over a traumatic disease.
Good luck with whatever you decide op.

I find this a hard one. My father is a piece of shit, drug dealer, general abuser and eventually murderer. I had nothing to do with him for a long long time (until I was an adult). Then met him when he came out of jail.

For a short while (say 2 years?) I was almost convinced he had changed his ways and also tried to help him (he had previously had cancer too although the help was non cancer related). I don't think I was a bad person for trying to do so, gulliable maybe, but I was also on emotional tenterhooks during this time and thankfully my friends gave me the time and space to decide for myself to have nothing to do with him.

BUT I also see it from the point of view if I was one of the people who offered help I may not feel happy about the situation etc. So it's a difficult one for me personally to decide which side of the fence I sit on...

Is he still in jail? If so arranging calls etc will hopefully make it obvious to the helpers that theres more to the story as they will hear a recording explaining where the call is to/from and can make their own decision then.
If he is out of jail then I think it gets a lot more messy...

It's not your fight. You weren't abused by him. Try to put yourself in your friend's place. How do you think he would feel if you posted something along those lines?

But surely if the calls were arranged they would find out he was in jail

Monkeyface26 has put it perfectly. This ^^: "I do not think, in the circumstances, that this is an appropriate thing to ask of people who may not have all the facts"

I didn't get the impression that he is still in jail.

Maybe (maybe) post what madbum said. ''what if somebody who offers support brings their children along''? That way you're gently making your point but I would say NO more and tbh he might delete you but so be it.

combination of madbum and monkeyface

"what if somebody who doesn't have all of the facts brings their children along?"

As an aside, are you the only one of his friends that knows about his Dad's crimes? What I mean by that is you're saying people have the right to know, which I totally get, but surely some of them already do know?

In your situation I would just ignore your friend's request, but I would absolutely feel the same as you.

Stay well out of this. It's not your fight. I could appreciate your feelings totally if you had been abused by him but you haven't. If you can't cope with seeing things about your friends dad on Facebook then just unfriend him and try and move on. You'll help no one by getting involved.

Tigerlovingall I don't understand this desire you seem to have to be so vitriolic. The friend hasn't done anything wrong.

It's irrelevant that the OP wasn't abused by this man. Other children were and they count as much.

Indeed, I find it very strange to find selfish motives more understandable than altruistic ones.

The "what if someone brings children" approach is a good idea. If he then doesn't see reason, unfriend him.

Good grief, why would you do this? hmm I could understand if you had been personally affected.

So it's fine to be a paedophile, just so long as it's not you who has been abuse?

I would name and shame, without a doubt.