Boiling with fury at friend's paedophile father **Trigger Warning**

[seriouslyconsideringbeingawful]

NC for obvious reasons.

For clarity, I was NOT abused by this man.

When I was growing up I spent many weekends with a friend, his brothers and their parents. They were friends of the family.

When I was in my early 20's the father of my friend was jailed for paedophilic crimes - serious and planned. All about the time when I was staying there.

I remain 'friends' with my childhood friend, largely on Facebook, and the odd email. We have never mentioned his father. I always presumed that it'd be hard enough having a parent who was a sexual predator without having to discuss it into adulthood. As far as I knew he had no contact with his father (he has children including a daughter).

Today he posted on Facebook that his father has cancer, asking for people who have survived similar to get in touch to help support, to see if he can arrange calls between his father and other survivors.

All I WANT to do is post on the thread about the crimes linking to the relevant news articles. Just so people know the type of man they'd be helping.

I know what I should do is unfriend old-friend, or at least block, and move on. But I'm furious about it, I'm furious that unwitting people will be speaking to and supporting this absolute arse-cunt who wantonly destroyed the lives of several young children and whose crimes are fucking appalling.

WIBU to follow my heart on this one, or should I step away quietly? I wonder about the legalities, but everything I would say is true and documented in the press, it's not slander/liable.

If someone goes to this mans house with a child and leaves the child unsupervised for a period of time then more fool them.

People are fools for leaving children unsupervised in the hands of a man they don't know is a sex offender because, according to your advice, no one told them ?

So you are of the opinion males should never be alone with children, as the only way people could know he might harm children is simply by looking at the statistics?

Otherwise, your statement makes no sense.

Well, I think studies show that the best way of protecting children from men like this when they are released is to help them build ties to their families, and give them some measure of involvement with society so they would have something to lose by reoffending. Naming and shaming and forcing them into social isolation means they are more likely to turn to other pedophiles for companionship, or break parole and avoid their probation officer.

Expressing anger feels satisfying but it can backfire hideously.

I think it's foolish to leave your children unsupervised with anyond you don't know, Vestal

give them some measure of involvement with society so they would have something to lose by reoffending.

That makes no sense. Child rapists often have a great deal to lose when they offend the first time. What would make it any different the second time?

I won't believe that without a link to the study.

Sure, if you want someone who robbed a shop to not do that again, then giving that person a honest job and something to lose will help, as that sort of crime is often motivated by a lack of perspective in life.

I don't think it applies to sex offenders, who are often "pillars of society" and oh so nice and respectable men.

sure of involvement with society so they would have something to lose by reoffending. Naming and shaming and forcing them into social isolation means they are more likely to turn to other pedophiles for companionship

Possibly, but they won't rape the other pedophiles, will they? They need access to children to rape children.
They manage to rape children the first time around just fine without a pedophile network.

I think it's foolish to leave your children unsupervised with anyond you don't know, Vestal

And how long do you have to know a man before the magical neon letters declaring him to be either safe or a child rapist appear on his forehead?

You don't seriously think you are so much cleverer than thousands of mothers who never suspect that their husband or partner is a child rapist before a child tells them ... or do you?

think you need to pm friend just say his fathers history has never been brought up or affected your friendship . But ill vulnerable people could befriend his dad and if his history came out it could cause massive upset to these people who don,t know and then found out . Say think its best if he removes post, or you could try another angle people who do know his history could comment on his cancer (kama). Tell him his post means well but his dad could end up with hate messages (shame).

Vestal you can carry on trying to twist what I'm saying all you like.

It doesn't change the fact that somebody going to a house where they do not know the individual well or at all, and leaving their children with them, would be unwise.

He was convicted of his crime and served his sentence. Now he is a free man who is sick and his family member, who is innocent of any crime, has appealed for support. Why punish someone who has undoubtedly already suffered because of his father's actions again? It won't make anything better for those children he attacked. It won't make the world safer for other children. It might just give you a sense of righteous indignation for a few minutes, but that, too, will fade. What will last is the effect on the son of that man, who was, and is, innocent.

Leave it, for the sake of your friend. They know what their father did, but he is still their father. They still have to deal with the shame and despair of what he did. They still have to live with the fact that he is their father and that he is dying.

Your friend's father is indeed an "arse-cunt" (I'd have phrased it differently, I'd have said "cunt-arse", but that's by the bye). But bringing it all up again you will hurt your friend and their family, who (presumably) don't endorse their father's criminal behaviour.

I've done what I think is the right thing.

Screen-grabbed the post. Taken copy of friends Fb page URL. Popped it all in an email.

Tomorrow I'll find out if there is a safeguarding person/body I need to send it to.

Hidden friend's stuff from my newsfeed (not defriended).

You're all right. I don't want to hurt friend, I don't want to cause a fracas, but I do want to do whatever I can to ensure that people are protected (in the quietest, most straightforward and official manner possible).

Thanks for all your thoughts, especially dolly for the very sane approach, much appreciated.

What if the conviction was false? What if he is not actually a paedophille? Convicted by a jury does not always mean guilty so I suggest moving on and ignoring because you could actually be destroying a dying man's reputation. And it is certainly not your place to do so even if he was genuinely guilty.

He wasn't wrongly convicted. It's wasn't a 'he said she said' case. There was irrefutable evidence and he pleaded guilty (hence the short sentence).

On one hand I believe that once you've served you time, paid your debt to society, you're a free man/woman.

But there are some crimes that continue to make a person a risk, probably forever.

That risk can be partially mitigated by therapy and treatments to drive behavioural change (not all paedophiles are abusers).

But as a pp suggested, due to the nature of his crimes there may well be legal restrictions in place as to who he meets.

As much as I want to ruin his life (because he's shown such disregard for the lives of others). I recognise that the only thing I can justifiably do is make those authorities aware of current behaviour so as any legal protocol is followed.

'I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's been an awful few years for you what with your dads court case and conviction too'

Perfect Squishedstrawberry.
The OP gets her point across to alert others who may be unaware of the crimes committed.

Agree with what squished said, although it isn't terribly subtle. I'd hate to be in your position though OP, the thought of him getting help by appealing to the kindness of others when he's been far from kind in his life is terribly unjust.

I've not RTFT so someone may have already said this, but have you considered what this 'reveal' would do to your friends children? In that people talk, word would get around, those children could be dragged into things that they know nothing (?) of picked on because of it.

Personally, I doubt anyone would be offering support to someone with cancer and taking their children along (note I say doubt, I appreciate it's not a certainty) but in your OP you do say your friend is asking for people to call his father. Maybe he's already considered the risks?

Also, you say you haven't spoken to your friend about his father and his crimes-so how do you know your friends reasoning? What if this is something he feels he 'needs' to do? Offer a helping hand in some way to his father? Whether I, you or anyone agrees with that is neither here nor there, it's his right to do as he sees fit.

If you really think people need to know, then why not message your friend, express your concerns and ask whether he's considered those points.

Honestly, I would private message my friend and say something like;

"I understand you might be conflicted about this, but I hope you're making potential supporters aware of your father's history before you let them contact him."

I agree you should pm your friend raising your concerns and leave it at that.

I don't have the head space to consider what it must feel like to know your dad is a paedophile. What a fucking awful situation.

Take a deep breath and at least check he's talking about the man you think he's talking about before you send anything anywhere.
He might be asking people to visit his paedophile father but it's equally likely he's about to lose a much-loved step father. He doesn't need safeguarding teams crashing into his life and racking up traumatic times from his childhood if that's the case.
I can understand why you're angry, this man did horrfic things but his son didn't. Try not to take your anger out on him and if this is triggering something maybe try and get some counselling?