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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL has booked holiday abroad on my due date - AIBU to be upset?

67 replies

Buttons2121 · 10/07/2017 13:19

So I only just found out yesterday that my MIL has booked a holiday abroad for two weeks, which is over my due date (I am currently 27 weeks). My DH and I don't live near MIL or DH family (about 300 miles away), but we are close and I love my MIL. I was quite surprised to hear she has booked to go away when I am due (she leaves 5 days before I am due and then is away for 2 weeks) so its likely she will miss birth. I wasn't necessarily expecting her to come up for the birth, but at least to visit very soon after, or at least be available to call; but she'll be on a different timezone. She has said she will come up about 4 weeks after birth as this is the only time she can now get off work, even though she is off work on and around due date, but has decided to go on holiday instead...I can't help but think it would have been nice if she had used that time to come and visit her new grandchild. AIBU to be upset by this? She never would have done this with her own daughters, so I am upset she has done this with her son and DIL, considering how close we are.

OP posts:

PoohBearsHole · 10/07/2017 14:44

Bah I had a funny five minutes of being massively insulted I was that crazy pregnant lady its taken some time to get over!

LightDrizzle · 10/07/2017 14:48

Is your husband taking paternity leave? She may be being very thoughtful and reasoning that for the first two weeks you will be establishing feeding, recovering physically and nesting and bonding just the 3 or you. Help is more likely to be welcome when your OH is back at work.
Is your mum around? She may also assume your mum will be with you more then, as it is more common for the new mum's mum to help out in the early days when you are still experiencing the physical aftershocks of birth and establishing breastfeeding (if that's the route you're going down).
If you have a good relationship, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she doesn't want to crowd you. Who knows, maybe she had a nightmare MIL who plonked herself on the sofa on the early weeks for cuddles and cups of tea brought by her raddled DIL!

belmontian · 10/07/2017 14:50

I understand OP, especially for your PFB who most of us think the world revolves around. I was very put out that my GP took her holiday when my PFB was due and felt most betrayed. I think the space initially when the baby is born will do you good. Were you thinking that your DM and your MIL were going to stay at your house post birth?

callmeadoctor · 10/07/2017 14:59

Its a strange one. I am a Grandmother, whilst a new grandchild is nice Im not the sort that wants to dash over and see them at the first opportunity. Its definitely not the same as my own!

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 10/07/2017 14:59

I actually think YANBU. My MIL did the same, except it was first GC for her and she goes on several foreign and many UK holidays a year. In her case it is very much nothing will get in the way of her holidays ever even her DH's progressive illness and it seems to me a way of saying 'actually, I'm not really that bothered about the baby at all and yet another holiday is far more important' and something that has been demonstrated afterwards so I think my initial thoughts were correct. Only you know if that is the situation in your case.

Would she have done the same for her DDs births?

I think in RL, in general GPs would be excited and would rather be around for the time of the birth and not sod off on holiday. MN is rarely a reflection of RL though, particularly AIBU.

RideOn · 10/07/2017 15:04

YABU some women have their mother or MIL staying with them for some days or weeks for support or prearranged helping with other children. If this is the arrangement then yes you would be unreasonable.

However you have said all she was going to be doing was a couple of visits then YABU and also as pp have already said - this may be the most important thing in the world to you but actually you are just another woman having a baby

I love my MIL and she visited day 10 and I was admitted to hospital that day with breastfeeding problems! (wasnt her fault!) I would much prefer she had visited at 4 weeks when we had recovered and were (well on the road to) feeding fine.

anchor9 · 10/07/2017 15:29

mine did this too! but hey, it gave me more time with my mum and dad and baby 😄, and they saw him at two weeks. their loss ¯(ツ)/¯

Allthebestnamesareused · 10/07/2017 15:36

Chances are you'll go over your due date and she'll be back anyway.

I agree with the pp who said that she's read Mumsnet and seen all the posts from people being angry that their MIL wants to visit after the birth and the OP doesn't want this!

ThisisImpossible1 · 10/07/2017 15:39

Trust me. When your vagina has been torn apart and your nipples feel like they are falling off your be glad of the empty house. Nothing worse then sitting on a fucking inflatable ring because you can't actually sit down on your own arse and with your bleeding nipples out and having to act all accomodating!

winefixeswhine · 10/07/2017 15:44

Yanbu. It's odd.

MagicMoneyTree · 10/07/2017 15:46

YABU! MN is full of threads talking about overbearing, interfering MILs who force themselves on new parents too soon. Be thankful she's left you to it for a bit. She can see you when things have settled down and the swathe of visitors has fizzled out a bit.

Ropsleybunny · 10/07/2017 15:47

Bloody hell, MILs can't do right for doing wrong on here. YABU.

MackerelOfFact · 10/07/2017 15:57

If you are more than a week overdue, she will be around 'very soon after' if she goes away 5 days before your due date.

I'm not clear what she will be able to do from 300 miles away that she can't do from another country!

mistermagpie · 10/07/2017 16:00

All of my in-laws were on (separate) holidays over my due date with DS1. He was the first grandchild/nephew for everyone, as well as our first baby.

I was quite pleased, I get on well with my in-laws but I wanted us to have peace and privacy when the baby was born. I'm NC with my own family so they weren't in the equation anyway.

When DS arrived (late evening after a very quick labour), nobody even knew I had been in labour or he was born until the following morning. As it happened my PILs couldn't wait and flew home later that day anyway. That 24 hours of privacy and quiet, just me DH and DS remain some of the most precious moments of my whole life. Don't underestimate how much you might need a bit of space and time after the birth, and how special it can be to bond with your new baby just the two of you.

With DS2 everyone was here and knew all the details because they looked after DS1 while I was in labour. It was still special but it wasn't the same.

I would try and look at the positives here, there are loads.

Oh and my DS1 is completely the favourite grandchild now, so it had nothing to do with them not caring about him.

FishWifeInAnotherLife · 10/07/2017 16:11

YABU.

You'll want a week or two to get to know the baby, who will arrive to their own timetable (first ones do tend to be late). Trust me those few weeks will fly and your DMIL will be visiting at exactly the right time.

Hope all goes well for you!

flojo73 · 10/07/2017 16:24

My parents booked a holiday abroad over my elective section date. It was my 3rd child, but I felt quite upset. I would have liked them to have been around and I would have liked them to feel they wanted to be here.
So I don't think yabu, I understand where you are coming from.(Had it been my in laws though, I wouldn't have minded quite so much!)

Gothbaby · 14/07/2017 17:39

There was a point when my MIL was planning a trip 2-3 weeks away which would've been over the due date. But only thing i felt about it was 'Cant look after her dog!" Some peoples schedules and lives cant always fit to your own. Its okay to be a lil upset if you guys are close and she hadnt said. BUT at the end of the day she will see you guys! I was literally like 'Aw they'll have to wait!' enjoy your time together, and you'll appreciate the visits over the weeks rather than all at once :) x

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