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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL has booked holiday abroad on my due date - AIBU to be upset?

67 replies

Buttons2121 · 10/07/2017 13:19

So I only just found out yesterday that my MIL has booked a holiday abroad for two weeks, which is over my due date (I am currently 27 weeks). My DH and I don't live near MIL or DH family (about 300 miles away), but we are close and I love my MIL. I was quite surprised to hear she has booked to go away when I am due (she leaves 5 days before I am due and then is away for 2 weeks) so its likely she will miss birth. I wasn't necessarily expecting her to come up for the birth, but at least to visit very soon after, or at least be available to call; but she'll be on a different timezone. She has said she will come up about 4 weeks after birth as this is the only time she can now get off work, even though she is off work on and around due date, but has decided to go on holiday instead...I can't help but think it would have been nice if she had used that time to come and visit her new grandchild. AIBU to be upset by this? She never would have done this with her own daughters, so I am upset she has done this with her son and DIL, considering how close we are.

OP posts:

2014newme · 10/07/2017 13:43

Why would dh want his mum around when his wife gives birth? 🤔

Original poster

Buttons2121 · 10/07/2017 13:43

You weren't expecting her at the birth but you expected her to be sitting at home waiting for a call?

What I meant was I didn't expect her to drop everything and come up as soon as I went into labour, but that she would come up soon after, that was all. If she had wanted to to come up straight away, that would have been fine too, as my mum will be there and only fair that both DH's and I's parents have same chance to visit/spend time with grandchild.

OP posts:

Nicpem1982 · 10/07/2017 13:44

My mil had a holiday across my due date and it was BRILLIANT as I gave birth a few days early so thy got to pop to hospital (our request) meet dd then go on hols

I love my mil but the fact that we got that week just the three of us was lovely we met them for lunch when they got back (they came en route from the airport 😂)

Laiste · 10/07/2017 13:47

Yes, i would second the idea that it's not quite the same as her own DDs giving birth.

She might have been more involved in their time as a brand new mum in very personal ways - washing soiled laundry, popping out for sanitary protection, helping with the first few days of breast feeding, running baths ect. Perhaps she felt less confident of her role with a DIL in the first few days and is just giving you a bit of space.

I'm not saying everyone's mum does the above, or everyone needs wants or expects their mum to get involved in the nitty gritty btw. (i wouldn't).

Laiste · 10/07/2017 13:51

I was very surprised that my MIL booked a holiday to coincide with her own DDs due date last year. Not the first grandchild by any means, and was SILs 3rd child, but she's usually SO involved i was amazed and i think SIL was rather shocked and disappointed. I've been wondering ever since what was behind that ...

sodabreadjam · 10/07/2017 13:54

I think it is really lovely that you and your DH want both your DM and DMIL to visit soon after the birth. Threads on here usually run along the lines of AIBU to not invite/exclude/not inform/tear a new one for my MIL, etc. etc.

I can understand that you are disappointed about what you perceive as a lack of excitement about the birth. As others have said, she might be giving you a bit of time and space as new parents. Make it clear to her when she is welcome to visit - e.g. X number of days after you are out of hospital or whatever.

AlwaysBeBatman · 10/07/2017 13:55

My own mum and dad (who I am very close to) booked a two week holiday across my first due date. It stung for a bit (hormones!) but I came to the conclusion that the birth was more important than anything to me and DH, but to everyone else? Not so much. My kids are very loved by them but the mechanics of bringing them into the world are only of paramount importance to two people!

Luckily I went 11 days past my due date and they made it back with time to spare

Viviene · 10/07/2017 13:58

YABU and she is doing the right thing. There's nothing worse than visitors straight after birth.
Send her a photo of the baby.

Congrats !

FrenchJunebug · 10/07/2017 13:59

YABVU I live in a different country from my parents and they didn't see their only grandchild until he was a few months old.

Twickerhun · 10/07/2017 14:05

Babies come when they are ready, and some before. She could still be around for yield

Twickerhun · 10/07/2017 14:05

SandyDenny · 10/07/2017 14:06

It wouldn't have occurred to me to be bothered in the slightest if my own parents were on holiday when I gave birth, tbh I don't see the problem. Your child will hopefully live a very long life, it's not going to matter at all that they didn't see him/her until they were a few days old.

When my dc are old enough to be having children I hope they don't expect me to plan holidays around due dates

Bahhhhhumbug · 10/07/2017 14:07

Yes YABVU. What if you went two weeks over or gave birth three weeks early. You can't expect Dmil to spend her hard earned work holidays waiting perhaps needlessly.

PoohBearsHole · 10/07/2017 14:09

ALL of my family had holiday booked on my due date for dc2. I was incredibly upset, not because they weren't going to be there for the birth but because I had dc1 and was relying on one of them to have her for the duration of the birth so felt added stress. As it was dc2 was early so it was a moot point, although my consultant was on holiday (difficult pregnancy)....that also upset me. Stupid pregnancy hormones

Bluntness100 · 10/07/2017 14:11

I know that she doesn't love me/DH/new grandchild any less

It's kind of interesting you put yourself first on that list. And any less than what? Her daughters I guess? You also stress how close you are to her twice in your op and state you love her. You then compare basically yourself to her own daughters.

Is there something more going on here in terms of you being needy of her? It's kind of unusual.... your own mum will be there, your husband, you have support. Do you feel you need to compete with her daughters to get attention?

OhGood · 10/07/2017 14:12

God I am so envious my MIL would have delivered the placenta given half a chance, all the while shouting at my DH.

She was unfuckingbelievable. Did a physical sprint race to be first at the door (versus my poor, bewildered DM). First thing she said, as she came in the front door, was 'Give me that baby.'

OP: I can imagine that if you do love your MIL this might feel hurtful. All these emotions seem super-charged around baby time (hence my MIL's extra insanity, I believe.) Maybe just talk to her about it? Arrange when you will see her and how you will be in contact with her while she's away? Talk about if baby comes early or late. And be prepared to feel even more emotional when baby comes.

Huge congrats

Bahhhhhumbug · 10/07/2017 14:15

Haha poohbear @ taking it personally.that a consultant went on holiday. Hormones eh ?

Original poster

Buttons2121 · 10/07/2017 14:15

Bluntness I think you are reading into this a bit much; there was no relevancy to the order. I don't feel I need to compete with her daughters, they are her daughters and I have my own DM who I am very close to and who has been amazing throughout my pregnancy, but I was also thinking about my DH and how he might also like to have his DM around after birth of child, not just my parents.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 10/07/2017 14:17

It's your baby. Not hers. She doesn't need to be there. Your DH should be focusing on you and the baby after the birth. Not his mother. Odd

Floralnomad · 10/07/2017 14:21

Does she have other grandchildren by her own daughters , if so perhaps she is treating you as her own daughters wished to be treated i.e. they wanted her around but didn't want their MIL barging in IYSWIM . I know you say you all get along and that's lovely but perhaps she's being kind to your mum and letting her take the lead , it's a pity more MILs aren't like this it would halve the amount of threads on here about them .

OhDearToby · 10/07/2017 14:23

I think yabu.

It would be different if she were nearby and needed to help with childcare etc but I don't really see a difference between her being 300 miles away or in another country.

specialsubject · 10/07/2017 14:26

She's not needed and she may have learnt by now that newborns, even grandchildren, aren't that interesting. And annual leave is limited.

Sorry but yabu.

bimbobaggins · 10/07/2017 14:34

Ya definitely bu.
Although it's nice to see that you aren't one of these mums who bans their dh/dp parents from visiting the newborn until it's at least A few weeks old

milliemolliemou · 10/07/2017 14:37

Good luck with your first baby, OP. But I think you're over investing in this. Your DH doesn't need his mum around, you will have your DM and DH around and a baby to get used to. She's a working MIL who lives 300 miles away. She would undoubtedly love a text and photo when your baby arrives and a confirmation she's welcome when she plans to visit a month later. My MIL didn't see my first DC for 6 months and that was the christening - didn't mean she wasn't interested.

ginswinger · 10/07/2017 14:38

I'm being gentle but babies aren't very interesting until they are a bit older. It's not that she won't be curious, it's just that she's kind of doing you a favour by staying away. Your DC will be the most amazing thing in the world to you both but to everyone else, it's just a baby. A lovely one mind but just a poopy, wrinkly baby.

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