So tired of arguments- AIBU?
Oldbutstillgotit · 10/07/2017 09:52
Nearly 2 years ago my adult son split up from his DP ( no DC) and it was agreed that he would move in with DH ( not his DF) and me . We made it clear it was temporary and gave him a maximum of 6 months to stay. He paid no rent as he had considerable debts. At the end of 6 months he asked to stay longer as he still had substantial debts and after much discussion we said he could stay another year . By the end of that I was feeling he was taking advantage and really making little effort to move on so I told him that he had another 6 months and that was it. I also started taking a token amount ( £100 per month) which he was not happy with. Yesterday I asked how the flat hunting is going ( 6 months up end of August) and he flipped saying he couldn't believe I was " throwing him out". We ended up having a furious row ( not the first ) and DH weighed in saying he " wanted his house back " which is fair enough but DS says I am being totally U to expect him to magic up a flat despite having almost 2 years to do so.
This morning I had an email from a widowed DF in South of France inviting me to stay for 5 days at the end of August which I have accepted and now DH is telling me I am unreasonable as he needs a break too ! I pointed out that we were in Spain for 2 weeks last month and a City Break in March but apparently that doesn't count and I can't just bale out!
I am so wearied . I am taking anti depressants and tablets for HBP, still work 3 ( long) days a week and at 62 just want some peace and quiet.
AIBU to insist DS move out ? AIBU to spend a few days with a DF to recharge my batteries ? Finally I am looking after DGS10 from 10.00 today so WIBU to hand him my iPad and watch Wimbledon with a glass of Pimms ?
missiondecision · 10/07/2017 10:09
Yes to all situations.
Yanbu at all.
Clearly you have both made your ds very welcome or he wouldn't want to stay for so long,
Can you look for flats? Sometimes people need a kick in the right direction.
In your shoes I'd help son to help himself because you and your husband will benefit by getting his arse off your sofa!
You need a break, emphasise this to your husband, let him take the reins, maybe your ds will be gone by the time you get back !
Questioningeverything · 10/07/2017 10:16
Your son is sponging.
Honesty 100 a month is an insult to you, and arguing over that is awful. Give him his date to be out, write him a copy and keep one for yourself. Then on that day, kick him out.
He WILL tell you you're making him homeless but he's a grown man, he's perfectly capable of working and taking care of himself
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/07/2017 10:23
After that explosion from DS, after how kind you've been, I'd be telling him to be out by the weekend. He can sleep on someone's floor until he gets a flat. He's had 2 years of saving up. If he hasn't and has been lying to you about it then you have to make him feel it.
I might give longer if he is showing his gratitude and paying back in different ways. Is he doing lots of the housework, buying groceries for you not just himself and stuff like that? Walking the dog, doing all the laundry? Painting the shed?
notarehearsal · 10/07/2017 10:28
I'd offer the month deposit on a flat commencing September 1st. If he hasn't gone remove the offer but he still has to leave. Say it and stick to it. Anything else is enabling him not to be the adult he is. You must be exhausted. Adult children can be far more demanding ime
ShatnersWig · 10/07/2017 10:33
Tell him to leave immediately.
Although I can also understand why your DH is a bit miffed at you clearing off for a few days on your own and leaving him to deal with this manchild which is nothing to do with him. I don't think he'd mind you going away if your son was already gone - as he says, he wants his house back and would probably love a few days on his own in it for the first time in two years.
I think you need to grow a backbone and kick your 'D'S out immediately.
LoveCakesandWine · 10/07/2017 10:46
Your DS is mid-30s and is showing you not respect or gratitude for 2 years of support! Sounds like this is damaging your health and your relationship with DP which is 2 more reasons he needs to leave urgently.
Even with "substantial" debts these should be cleared off/little outstanding after 2 years of zero rent and then £100 per month.
I do think your DH needs a break too though, can you not go away together?
paradoxicalInterruption · 10/07/2017 10:56
Give him a deadline and mean it.
You can do this nicely - you and your DH need your space back. Write him a letter if that's easier.
He's sponging and he knows it - that's why he's being defensive.
Unless he's depressed or ill - it's time he found his own place.
chirpyburbycheapsheep · 10/07/2017 11:03
I always wonder about adults living with their parents. Often they haven't gone through all the developmental milestones. Moving out and separating from parents is a natural progression, something most people don't think twice about. Most healthy adults want to move out and become independent.
I always feel it's too simple to say 'well this person is an adult so should act like one' or to label someone a 'manchild' but sometimes it's more complicated. To those who say he is sponging - would you choose to live with your mother and her partner at 35? Would you feel satisfied and fulfilled? Would you be happy? I am not being goady, just honestly wondering and trying to offer a differing perspective.
Having said all that he may just be using you, none of us can really see the situation in its entirety.
TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 10/07/2017 12:22
Just to pick up on what a few PPs have mentioned - I don't think your DH is being unreasonable in this instance to say that he wants a break too. Your title says that you are tired of all this and want it to stop. Your DH undoubtedly does too, and wants a break, and it will be even worse for him if you're off having a nice time while he's stuck at home with your freeloading DS.
Your DH may feel that he can't properly engage with this situation because the DS isn't his, so he feels that it has to be your decision because he'd be getting between mother and son, even if he's sick to the back teeth of it all.
Where there's a problem between a woman and her MiL on here, if the DH/P doesn't step up to the plate she is told that she doesn't have an MiL problem, she has a DH problem. In this case I think you have a you problem. Put your big girl pants on and tell DS he's leaving. Offer his first month's rent as a PP has suggested (or his deposit) if you want to soften your guilt a bit. But he has to go, for your DH's sake as much as yours.
BarbaraofSeville · 10/07/2017 13:24
Why does you going on holiday to see a friend stop your DH from having another holiday too? He could arrange his own thing for whenever he wants, or do you have other dependents?
Does your DS work? Even if he's on NMW, he should have been able to pay off a fair chunk of debt in two years while paying minimal board to you - is he getting help, how much does he earn and what is his debt. It's true that if interest is being charged on his debts he could pay the minimums for years without really getting anywhere, so if the end isn't in sight, he needs professional help with freezing interest or other solutions as appropriate.
Oldbutstillgotit · 10/07/2017 14:02
Thank you for your helpful comments. To add some more detail - DS has no health issues . He shared a flat with a friend for most of his 20s. When that tenancy ended he moved home for over a year before moving in with his GF who I really liked but she got fed up with his lack of commitment and attitude to money . Yesterday he refused to tell me what his outstanding debt is so I suspect it is still high. He works ( above NMW) but sees his earnings as HIS money to do with as he pleases and it is never enough ! I hate to say this but he has a sense of entitlement that bewilders me. DD is a grafter and supports herself and DGS and I have always worked FT until 2 years ago.
DH has been part of DS's life for nearly 30 years so can- and does- speak his mind. I totally appreciate that he is pissed off ( I am too) but I still think I deserve a break especially to see a widowed friend. DH took a redundancy package when he was 56 and hasn't worked since ( a whole other thread !). He is now 72 and has 3 days completely to him myself while I work, he goes to a Manshed club thing and a pub quiz every week.
Anyway DH and I have spoken while DGS is playing in garden with neighbour's DGS and have decided to speak to DS tonight together but there will no extension given the way he spoke to me yesterday . We are also going to look at another City Break in the autumn.
donquixotedelamancha · 10/07/2017 15:51
"AIBU to insist DS move out ?"
No. More than that YABVU, if you don't throw him out. How will he learn to be a functional adult if you don't? Continuing to baby him is only causing harm in the long run.
"AIBU to spend a few days with a DF to recharge my batteries ?"
Do you really need to ask?
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/07/2017 18:20
Go to visit your friend. You are right, DH shouldn't stop you, it isn't fair. Off you go. Even if it pisses him off.
Kick your sponging son out. So unfair on your grafter of a DD that he gets loads of free stuff from you, spending her inheritance. Get him out. Even if it pisses him off.
Do you have trouble allowing people to be upset?
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