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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to completely cut off this "friend"

80 replies

DarkAngel1984 · 10/07/2017 09:00

A bit of background.

I used to be really close to this friend, we've known each other for years even to the point that we used to house share together for a few years.

She is also very close to my sister.

We were at a social gathering organised by me a few months ago and she was supposed to turn up with her hubby and dc. It had been organised for months and was a special occasion. She turns up with her dc and no husband. I ask her why he hadn't turned up she said that something came up that he couldn't get out of. I then have this conversation with my sister and she tells me that it's not the case the reason he didn't turn up was cause he doesn't like my dh as they have nothing in common.

Not sure why that should be an issue as there were plenty of people there and as we were hosting so we were not spending too much time talking to 1 person for too long, also with the dc's running around we had our hands full.

So I confront my friend at a later date about her lying about it and she completely denies that she said imthat to my sister. ( my sister has no reason to lie about it and would never do that)

Since then we have had very little contact. The last time we spoke was a good few months ago on my birthday and literally it was a few strained messages.

Now her dc's birthday is coming up next week and I have already sent a pressie and a card to them via my sister. Would I BU to cut all contact with her if I don't get a thank you message for the gift?

The only reason I haven't completely cut her off already is that it will put my sister in a hard place if she invites her to anything social and we will both be attending.

Thank you for reading

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 10/07/2017 09:35

You want to cut her off for a thank you that she hasn't had the chance to say yet because she hasn't had the present yet!

VelvetSpoon · 10/07/2017 09:41

Is your DH as hard work as you? If so I can see why your friend's DH doesn't like him.

Look sometimes we tell white lies to spare other people's feelings. My Ex found several of my friend's partners irritating. One he thought was tight, another could only talk about football, the third was really socially awkward and difficult to have any conversation with. So Ex used to avoid coming to anything where he might get lumbered with one of them. I would make polite excuses for his absence. Because it would be hurtful to do otherwise.

The only error your friend has made is to tell your sister, who clearly can't be trusted to keep a confidence.

You shouldn't have confronted her. What did you expect to achieve? And why are you now cutting her off, what has she done wrong?

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 10/07/2017 09:41

You asked her why her husband wasn't there, she told you a reason.

Why did you then discuss that with your sister?

What did you say when you 'confronted' her about her husband having nothing in common with yours?

It sounds like you're looking for a reason to end the friendship so it's probably best you do it anyways or you'll forever be looking for any perceived slight to fall out over and it will make life awkward for the rest of the friendship group.

hollyisalovelyname · 10/07/2017 09:45

My DM always said 'What is the motivation behind the person who told you about what was 'said' to them.' In this case, your sister.

AnUnhappyStudent · 10/07/2017 09:46

Your sisters a dick

Lweji · 10/07/2017 09:50

Why did you send a present through your sister and not given it personally or by post?

And is it a normal thing for you to do?

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 10/07/2017 09:50

Sounds like you are looking for an excuse to end the friendship?
I feel sorry for her children who you are using in this game. Some gifts!

MarklahMarklah · 10/07/2017 10:03

Yes, YABU.

Her husband isn't duty-bound to like your husband. I suspect her 'lie' was more of a "white lie"; she made an excuse so as not to hurt your feelings.
It sounds as though your friendship may have run its course though if you are no longer close.

RedBullBlood · 10/07/2017 10:14

I'm another who is wondering why you sent the gift via your sister? After that little drip of poison I'm not sure she's all that trustworthy.

TheStoic · 10/07/2017 10:17

Doesn't sound like you need to cut her off, to be honest.

dollydaydream114 · 10/07/2017 10:19

You really need to grow up a bit. She was being polite because she didn't want to hurt your feelings and because of that you felt the need to 'confront her about her lies'?

Also, what does it matter that her husband and yours don't get on? They're not the ones who are friends. It doesn't matter if she doesn't bring her husband along to group events and it's not her fault that her husband doesn't like yours.

Just calm down and stop being so intense. And also, recognise that your sister is a shit-stirring gossip.

SleepFreeZone · 10/07/2017 10:20

Wouldn't bother me either!

Squishedstrawberry4 · 10/07/2017 10:26

It was rude of him not to turn up when he was expected. However I suspect your friends husband isn't keen on your husband but feels awkward about voicing it. AND THATS FINE! Not everyone gets on. That's life. Can't see any reason to confront your friend!! Your friend wasn't lying as such but being kind in sparing your feelings and not creating a fuss.

You've completely over reacted. She sounds like a considerate person.

And yes your sister could have got the wrong end of the stick. People do have misunderstandings.

pictish · 10/07/2017 10:27

"Doesn't sound like you need to cut her off, to be honest."
Yup - that there has been 'very little contact' since the confrontation isn't surprising. Very weird thing to confront someone over...very overbearing.

TheNoodlesIncident · 10/07/2017 10:29

Where has OP gone?!

Friend's behaviour sounds fine tbh

TheStoic · 10/07/2017 10:29

Civilisation would fall apart if we couldn't tell white lies to spare people's feelings.

She shouldn't have said that to your sister, and your sister should not have passed it on.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/07/2017 10:29

She sounds like a nice person. She nicely smoothed over the potential awkwardness of her DH not liking your DH. She might be cutting you off after you were a dick to her afterwards with your confrontation.

SamoyedSam · 10/07/2017 10:35

You sound like hard work and your sister sounds like a dickhead.

Lweji · 10/07/2017 10:36

Where has OP gone?!

Probably cutting contact with the thread. We weren't polite enough to tell her the white lie that she was not unreasonable.

BeckywiththeGoodHare · 10/07/2017 10:43

I'd love to know what the stirry sister said to the friend when she handed the gift over. 'Hi, here's Barbara's present for Daisy-Beth - yeah, she didn't want to drop it off herself because she's still a bit sore about me telling her that Ken thinks Terry's a giant melt. Byeeeee!'

Or maybe something along the lines of what a moody cah you are, and how she can't think what friend has done to upset you? Hmm

TheFirstMrsDV · 10/07/2017 10:47

Bloody Nora but you are hard work

Do you have a lot of friends you no longer talk to?

I bet you do.

wobblywonderwoman · 10/07/2017 10:50

Your sister is at fault here. She broke a confidence and it is not wrong for your friends dh to dislike yours. Everybody is different and I wouldnt waste a precious weekend on dh friends if it wasn't my thing. Your sister is shit stirring.

Fl0ellafunbags · 10/07/2017 11:11

Your sister is a massive stirrer.

pictish · 10/07/2017 11:11

I agree that the sister shouldn't have passed the info on but at the end of the day, it was OP who took it upon herself to make an issue of it and have it out with her friend instead of just accepting the polite lie for what it was and forgetting about it.

CryingMessFFS · 10/07/2017 11:12

Your friend lied to save your and your husbands feelings. Your sister shouldn't have shit stirred. You should not have 'confronted' your friend (why the hell would you, I don't know)