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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brothers wedding and kids

88 replies

cheersthen · 10/07/2017 00:56

Name changed. My brothers wedding is soon, and at the time we were given the save the date were told no kids would be invited as he wanted an adult only wedding.

I thought ok fair enough even if they were invited I would only take 2 of the girls as the rest would be uninterested or too young. Anyway it gets nearer the time and I find out there will be a handful of kids there, ok, I'm a bit pissed off as my two girls would love to have gone but it's his wedding up to him.
Today I find out our half siblings 2 kids are invited! Wtf. Though me and him aren't as close as we were due to him moving away,we are full brother and sister and grew up together went through a lot together and were good friends.
We see each other as much as he sees our half sister and only got to know her in adulthood.
He is basically having 5 kids there including her 2. He also knows my partner may not be able to come as I don't want to leave all the kids with his mum, I asked about just my two girls coming (8 and 9) and he made some bullshit excuse.

Aibu to be pissed off that he has snubbed his nieces when clearly it isn't going to be a completely child free wedding?

OP posts:

ElBandito · 10/07/2017 16:27

And of course your children will find out at some point, they will see the photos or their cousins will mention it!

Gazelda · 10/07/2017 16:37

Hi there DB. Erm, this is a bit awkward, but I need to check something out with you. I know the save the date and wedding invite specify no kids at the wedding. Absolutely fine with us although as you know, this means that DP can't come because we don't have any childcare.

But I've just learned that half-sis's children are coming. Is that correct? If so, then I'll be honest that I'm pretty hurt that the two sets of cousins are being treated differently for no apparent reason.

I thought we were close, and that you realised how Much DD in particular looks up to you. They're going to be so upset when they learn they've been snubbed by this.

Is it a misunderstanding?

timeisnotaline · 10/07/2017 16:39

You wouldn't be starting something by asking!

TheNaze73 · 10/07/2017 16:56

Under normal circumstances, I'd say their wedding, their rules. i have no problem, with child free weddings.

However, the inconsistency here would irk me.

Headofthehive55 · 10/07/2017 16:58

Hmm. We were invited to my cousins wedding. Without children. Mine aren't small. We didn't go as it was a distance away and an awkward date for us. I was quite puzzled to find out that her friends children were invited...but .it turns out he didn't even want his brothers children there. They see each other a lot!
Double standards annoy me!

Headofthehive55 · 10/07/2017 16:58

darbyshaw · 10/07/2017 17:34

As everyone else has pointed out, it's not the dilemma of children vs no children at weddings, it's the cruel inconsistency in how siblings are being treated.

I would text/email just innocently clarifying whether there has been some kind of misunderstanding. It doesn't make any sense why he's done this.

Original poster

cheersthen · 10/07/2017 21:25

I txt him and said "so kids are allowed to the wedding now?" He said what's your point..I said well "sisters" kids are going he's basically said don't come then!
I said I won't if my kids aren't good enough to come then I won't be coming. Basically he don't give a shit! I knew he was an arrogant prick but this just confirms it can't actually belive anyone could be so spiteful let alone my own brother.

OP posts:

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 10/07/2017 21:35

He is clearly a nob, you can't treat family like that. Tell your Dad then leave it. Hopefully db will crawl back apologising.

Nanna50 · 10/07/2017 21:42

Gosh I would have to ask him specifically why were her kids invited and not yours particularly if your only taking the older two.

MinorRSole · 10/07/2017 21:46

I'm so sorry op, what a mean response. I suspect he will back down under family pressure but he's really behaved dreadfully towards you

Original poster

cheersthen · 10/07/2017 21:49

The thing is if he did back down I still wouldn't want to go as it would only be because I've said something not because he wants the girls there. Fuck him. Sad isn't it but I have two other brothers so all is not lost I suppose.

OP posts:

Fitzsimmons · 10/07/2017 21:52

I'm sorry OP, he sounds awful. I think you should tell your family the reason you won't be going, make it clear to everyone what a twat he has been to you. Then spend the money you would have spent on a hotel and gift on a nice day out for you all instead.

GreekGod · 10/07/2017 21:56

YANBU - you either have a child free wedding or you don't. Something in between always causes issues. Go back to him and talk to him about it and tell him how you feel about your kids being snubbed.

So sorry you are going through this - it must be very upsetting.

ThePinkOcelot · 10/07/2017 21:58

Ahhh that's really shit OP. Sorry, you must be really hurt.
I would arrange something really nice to do in the day, as a whole family. Stuff him!!

MadMags · 10/07/2017 21:59

What a prick.

I wouldn't have sent that text, I would have been more direct but fuck it! Job done.

MinorRSole · 10/07/2017 22:23

I wouldn't want to go either after that. Of course if he does back down and you don't go it will end up being your fault. It's your dd I feel most sorry for, the one that was really excited. Poor girl :(. Some uncle he is

Lottie991 · 10/07/2017 22:38

I wouldn't go, and probably wouldn't bother with him anymore tbh.

McTufty · 10/07/2017 22:47

Your latest update is such a shame. I wish he had acted more calmly and explained the situation to you (if there is one).

I actually think he's in the wrong. Personally I believe in child free weddings but you treat like with like. Inviting one sibling's children but not the other's is like a snub - not to you but to your kids. I don't blame you for being upset.

Original poster

cheersthen · 10/07/2017 22:54

He was actual awful I basically said "ok then" then he launches into a long winded rant about my kids being over bearing etc. How horrible. TBH I know exactly what he is like he's one of those arrogant ones who brag on Facebook, but when it's your family you kind of just put up with it, but what he had said tonight is just cruel. I'm done with him!

OP posts:

NC4now · 10/07/2017 23:02

I don't think you've said how many kids you've got? Does he know you only want to take two?
Could it be he wants to keep the number of children down and didn't want to pick and choose between yours.
It would be an awkward invite to say Cheers+2 if you've got 7 kids for example.

MinorRSole · 10/07/2017 23:10

Oh so he's judged their worthiness for an invite. How lovely of him

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 10/07/2017 23:10

What a nasty horrible man he is! Has he always been jealous of you op? What was your relationship like growing up? After his nastiness about your children I would have nothing to do with him or his future wife. And I would let your parents and siblings know why I wasn't going! Sharing his message if necessary! What a horrible man! He doesn't deserve to be their Uncle! I hope he falls into as pile of manure on route to his wedding !!!!!!!!!

altiara · 10/07/2017 23:15

Doesn't sound like a brother to me.
Sorry OP but you're right to be fine with him.
I wouldn't bother re-confirming you're not coming with him but I'd make sure on the day everyone knew your kids weren't invited (because I'm petty).

BackforGood · 10/07/2017 23:20

Think it was a mistake to text him what you did - you should have phoned, actually spoken to him, and gone with what Gazelda suggested to you.
Does sound like an odd line.
Like others, I've no problem with deciding 'no dc' or some reasonable exception to that (eg 'babes in arms') but this does seem like a weird line he has drawn.

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