to hate social media

[shadysharks]

Urgh, just a rant really....

Ds6 is quite raw this weekend as there was a party yesterday which he knew he wasn't invited to even though he thought the boy was going to invite him as they were friends (simplistic 6 year old view) and then today we bumped into some friends who have children in the same class who asked us if we were headed to a party for another child and ds looked crushed and said 'I didn't know X was having a party, I wasn't invited....'

I spent all afternoon trying to stabilise things as he's really starting to notice that no one invites him to any parties or play dates. Lots of people are friendly with him but have other people who they class as his friend. We did lots of role playing around social situations and taking about good friendship traits and not so great to try and help him navigate all this.

After I put him to bed, I stupidly checked social media and there's loads of photos of this party in a hall with half the class that I could see. It's my own fault. I'm trying to not use social media as it just seems to be people rubbing your nose into your own insecurities and now I just feel really bad for ds again.

I can't work out why children just find him invisible. He's the most lovely, caring, bright, happy boy but I can see the spark going out of him if this is what it's going to be like for him

Your poor son! I'm sure he is a lovely little boy and there is no good reason why he hasn't been invited to these parties.
Also, YANBU for hating social media. I honestly think it gets more evil as time goes on. Especially Twitter... people on there are horrible!

We've just reached the end of primary school thank goodness - the end of not being invited to parties. Keep in there - senior school is a game changer so I'm told.

Can you speak to the parents quietly or the school to see why he isn't getting invited to things? Social media sucks.

I'd cry too if it was my wee boy hugs for you both.

Aww don't I agree, it's the cause of misery for so many.

Ah, this is painful for you. What about having a word with the class teacher to see if he has friends at school or if they might have any idea as to why?

Do you invite children back for play dates? (Sorry can't think of a better word).

He sounds like a lovely boy, probably more to do with parents friendships at this age.

Listen, he's 6 - he's got a whole lifetime ahead of him and how fulfilled andhappy he'll be won't depend on whether he was invited to a party at6. I can say this with certainty - my boy was bullied all through primary school - he was the only one not invited to a class party aged 10.
Can you imagine how that feels?
We just told him he was special and different and set for a more fascinating journey.
Wind on 8 yrs and our boy is the most brilliant, popular, self contained and lovely individual. Off to uni next year - got tons of mates / off to a million parties with them all - and a girlfriend.
There can be a different path.

On days when dd wasn't invited to a party, I took her out somewhere special.
That helped to counteract the sting and the first morning back at school post-party where the invitees rubbed her nose in it about the great time they'd all had at the party and she hadn't been invited. At least she could say she had spent the day at x, x always being something more appealing than a birthday party.

It's probably just an unfortunate coincidence that two parties to which he wasn't asked were happening so close together.

You say you could see half the class at the one on social media...maybe that's all they asked? Half the class. The other one....the boy who was meant to be his friend...I'd think about that carefully and see what it is about how DS forms relationships that isn't working.

It could be that the boy he likes so much isn't mean but only sees DS as a casual friend...one to play with sometimes.

Does your DS have the same regular friends at playtime OP?

I should add...I've two girls and I've been on both sides...one child wasn't as socially active or confident whilst my other was in HIGH demand...both had their own issues.

Social media isn't the problem here, or in any situation. He's six, so he won't be looking at Facebook.

The issue here is why he's not being invited. Is there anyone you're close to that you can have a quiet word with? To see if they know what's going on?

You can unfollow people. As in whoever posted all those pics. I would.

Hi all, thanks for all the replies.

I have spoken to his class teacher who says there's no problems that she sees. Ds often plays alone but seems happy to. He has lots of people he's friendly with and I think to him, that's the closest to thing to a friend he has. But to them, there's always people who are more their friends than him.

I don't expect him to be invited to all the parties or anything and the parents/children of course may only have 3 or 10 invited. That's not what bothered me, it's just seeing it again on social media is so annoying.

We've had people over to play (he never gets invited back), had a class party, he does a few clubs (beavers, sports etc) and I've watched him closely over the last few months and honestly I can't see anything that he's doing wrong. Some usual little things that all 6 years old like interrupt occasionally but nothing more. I've asked a friend and she can't see why either and her own child looks irritated by ds in their presence.

When I watch him, he's like a stop gap friend. If he's the only person around, people will play with him or talk to him but someone better comes along they run of with that person and don't want ds to come. It's really sad.

The only thing I can think of is that he's off the charts bright. He gets lots of awards at school for various learning achievements (just like some others get it for sport etc) but I've heard the odd comment that makes me think his ability is not appreciated by his peers, but maybe I'm wrong.

Don't talk to the parents ! (As previous poster suggested). Hold your head up high, could be done jealousy going on if he is super bright , my DS was the same, but it was important he didn't show off in front of the other boys as that is a recipe for alienation

This resonates with me so much. My eldest was like this - more or less all the way through primary school. He wasn't sporty but his cohort was; he's very bright too, and he was always on the periphery of everything. He rarely got invited to parties, and, like another poster up thread, was also the only one not invited to a whole class party in Y6. It broke my heart, but he developed strategies for coping. Fast forward and he's about to go into Year 9 at his super selective grammar; he has loads of really lovely friends, being clever is seen as a good thing, and he is respected and cherished by his friends for who he is. It's really, really hard to live with, especially when you can't see why. Keep doing what you are doing, do out of school stuff, and he will find friends...but he may have to wait for secondary to find his true ones....

Btw this too will pass, things can and do change, try not to stress about it or he may pick up on it and one whiff of desperation and it will be worse

Thanks panicmode - good to hear a success story. We live in a grammar area and I feel he'll be better suited to that environment where learning is celebrated.

We've always talked a lot about not boasting or belittling people when they don't know as much as you and his teacher confirms this never happens in class and I've never seen it outside of class. But I have seen the odd look when he comes out with a certificate and I give him a well done cuddle, but I may well be being paranoid.

I deliberately didn't post any photos of my ds's 10 Birthday recently. They went paintballing and I could only afford to take 5 of his friends. I didn't hand out invites, quietly texted each parent. I was trying to keep it a bit quiet.

Then one parent at pick-up took about 30 photos and then did a massive post of Facebook and tagged everyone!!

It's horrible not going to parties. My dd was fairly popular at Primary, She was known for liking Vampires, Werewolves and had a wicked sense of humour. One Halloween a girl in her class had a class party and she was the only one not invited. She was confused, a bit hurt but she did get over it fairly quickly. She's 12 now, in a different school, tonnes of new friends.

Not looking at SM can be good for the soul sometimes. I've often taken long breaks.

I agree with having a chat with the teacher if you are really concerned.

To be honest I don't think you can blame the other parents for sharing their party on social media (although I was at a parent who shared party photos on the class WhatsApp group when only some kids were invited)

If you feel this is an emerging pattern then I think you maybe do need to address it somehow. A friend has had this with her son and he has really struggled socially at school much to the detriment of her mental health.

I don't blame the other parents at all. I'd be more surprised if people didn't post this sort of stuff. More that I hate social media as a whole and how it can rip into your insecurities.

I don't know what else I can do to tackle it. I've spoken to school a few times, asked fellow parents, had play dates, had a party for him, he's in clubs in and out of school, we talk about social expectations / rules etc and what's good and not (but to be honest, he knows them anyway) and some teddy role play.

I wouldn't change schools as he's already had to move once as we relocated and this the best in the area. That instability will make things worse.

Any suggestions on how to tackle it would be welcome as I've run out of ideas

The talking about social expectations and role play does make it sound a bit full on and helicopter parentish.

His teachers haven't mentioned any concerns re asd, ADHD etc? Only because that's what ended up with my friends son.

Is there something happening during play that you and his teachers can't see?

Did he have this issue in his previous school as well?

I ask only because at this age friendships are often very much about the parents and children will be friends with the children whose parents have a friendship at and beyond the school gates, and if he's moved into the school mid year then many of those friendships will already have been established iyswim, and it can be harder to integrate as an incomer, both as a parent and as a child.

We were very fortunate in that DS was invited to most parties in the initial couple of years although whole class parties are the work of the devil IMO and I was bloody glad once they were over.

Now however he's in secondary and went to a 14th party on Saturday, but prior to that said that lots of kids have had parties to which he wasn't invited (he's popular etc so it didn't concern me,) instead I've thought to myself "Thank God for that.! a thought which has been validated after the weekend when he told me that at this party the parents A, provided beer and champagne, B, one girl smuggled in a bottle of vodka and was drunk beyond belief, and that although the parents were there, they were actually outside drinking wine while the kids engaged in all sorts inside, he was only allowed to this party anyway on strict instructions, and that the dad of one of his friends (who is very conservative) bring him home. Hell will freeze over if he thinks I'll ever be hosting one of those. .

The early years are tough, but it does get better I promise. And as time goes on the things we worry about change signifficantly.

Perhaps if you're worried about school friendships he could enroll In some outside activities where there isn't so much pressure to be part of a group e.g. In the playground or on a too regular a basis?

One thing that helped DS at school was having 'talk time' with the school counsellor. In fact, I didn't know he was going for a while - the school had noticed that he was finding it hard socially, and they arrangd for him to go for about 4 weeks, once a week. She gave him strategies for how to break into groups and ask to play/deal with rejection etc and it did help him a bit, and he did end up with a couple of friends - (who dropped him like a hot potato in Y6 once the 'cool kids' decided my DS wasn't ). Your son is only 6 - this was probably in Y4 for my son. I think that you are doing all the right things - just make sure you keep bolstering his confidence in himself and it will all work out in the end...some children just take a bit longer to find their friends/feet at school, but I know it's really, really hard at the time.

I've asked school if they think he has any special needs in regard to social communication and the answer is always laughter and 'NO!!!!'

The talking about social communication was recommended on here to help him understand/learn good friendships/communication because he's noticing that other children aren't including him. I've only
Done it really casually while we're playing - not intense helicopter style at all - I promise!

His previous school was very different and extremely small. He did his reception yr there and was fine, the tiny amount of children just mucked in together. He started at this school at the beginning of the year.

Pp said about not meeting thresholds for parties etc - that's what it's like. People are fine around him but no one sees him as a close enough friend for that cut off. It's shit but it happens I guess.

All I would suggest is upping the playdates and perhaps getting to know the other parents a bit. The more children you get to see and meet, the more you will grasp who is most like your DS...the other clever boys and girls.

And don't discount girls either...one of my younger dd (she's 9) has always had good boy mates.