To be pissed off at close family visiting and not being told.

[Iris65]

My father is very ill and he and my mother live 150 miles away. My sister has just posted on Facebook that she and my Aunt and Uncle have driven up together to visit today. I live in the same city as my Aunt and Uncle but was not invited or even told that they were going.

Do you drive? Do you have kids and/or a partner? If it's yes to either I feel like it's reasonable of them to have assumed you would be able to make your own way? Especially with three people in the car already?

I can't drive long distances because of a serious heart problem and there would have been only me. Their car is a five seater large four by four. They didn't even tell me that they were going and neither did my parents.

They could have offered. YANBU

Do you think maybe they didn't want you there for some reason? Harsh but maybe thats why.

Are you close to your sister?

Do you get on with any of them? It would be odd for them to ask if usually you don't whether your father is ill or not

Why do people feel that they're entitled to be invited to everything that family members do?! It happens a lot on Mumsnet. Your sister decided to take your aunt & uncle up to see your parents. She has no obligation to take you as well! And with that entitled attitude I can understand why she didn't ask.

Erm, their father is ill! It would have been nice of the sister to take OP up as they were going so she could see her dad too!

YANBU OP

Sorry but my df said he'd rather not see me when he was in hospital last year as my dsis wanted to come and she is lovely and beloved but hard work and quite demanding. He finds her visits stressful and my dm quietly asked me not to go as I couldn't avoid her asking to come with me. I can't see any way round it, if I visit without taking her she is upset if I take her it's really hard work for me, my dm and ultimately bad for my df.

Should have read sorry Yabu

Do you live with your sister? Otherwise I'd have thought it was possible to just visit the hospital on the way home from work and not tell her.
I think if the OP wants to visit her dad then she could get a train or however she normally gets about. Getting upset because other people don't give you lifts is unreasonable. If the OP got on with her sister she'd be asking her how her dad was and saying if it was convenient she'd like a lift next time not moaning on here

Whatever their reason for not asking you, it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to post it on FB knowing that you would read it.

In my family we visit dps whenever it suits us and never even think we have to bring others along. It may be too much for your df to have too many people together. Sorry l think you are unreasonable. This visit is for your aunt and uncle.

Was it a case of your sister going so she could drive your Aunt and Uncle?

I think it's fine TBH. Maybe your dad wanted a quiet, intimate visit with his sibling- and the others were just along out of necessity.

You sound really entitled here. Sorry to be harsh but it's not their problem you have a serious heart condition and can't drive - if you wanted them to take you, you should have broached the subject with your sister sooner. Or taken the bus/taxi/train/whatever it takes. It's not your family's job to facilitate visits with your dad.

Maybe they didn't want to go with you? That's perfectly o.k.

YANBU of course your sister should have offered you a lift.

You haven't said who is driving? Is it your Aunt and Uncle's car not your sister's?

Does she have a closer relationship with them?

They are adults going to visit another adult. They don't have to ring other adults in the family to see if they want to go to, there is no onus on them to do so.

The OP lives 150 miles from her parents so popping in after work is not an option!

OP, I can see why you might be disappointed that they didn't offer you a lift too, but I suspect some kind of backstory here.

My own DH recently made a day trip to a location near family without visiting - I kept quiet about it for fear of offending the unvisited, he splashed it all over FB with photos! I am expecting some fallout tbh.

The post re popping in after work was in reply to Infinite Sheldon whose post was directly above mine!

I wouldn't expect my sister to consult me anytime she is about to go and visit a relation. It changes the dynamic - more people to get the date to suit, the time you are leaving, the time you come back, the actual interaction once you are there etc.
We are 2 separate people, so I wouldn't consult her and wouldn't expect her to consult me, unless I'd specifically asked "Next time you are going to visit so and so, can you let me know as I'd like to come if the date fits, and you don't mind" sort of conversation.

Do you often expect other people to give you lifts?

Yes there is a long back story. In my family I have always been expected to drive people around, give my sister lifts, give her and my parents money and sort any problems out. At family gatherings I am always the one that is teased, bullied and criticised - at the same time as being the only one to have a decent job and not be involved in petty crime, drug taking, lying, fraud and child neglect.
In family dynamic terms I am the scapegoat and my sister is the golden child. Seven years of psychotherapy gave me some insight. They have lied to me and about me. They gossip and bitch to each other about me, my life and my choices - which my sister gleefully relates to me 'as a joke'. Third parties have found their behaviour toward me embarassing and cannot understand why I am still in contact.
My Father had a vile temper and the family is best characterised as abusive and dysfunctional. Nevertheless I haven't been able to go no contact and have tried to maintain a minimal relationship to fulfill my duty.
I have been on the receiving end of enormous amounts of emotional blackmail to go and visit. My Dad has been 'at death's door' for four years, although this time I think it really is it.
My sister does not work, has no responsibilities and spends her time smoking and watching daytime TV while regularly informing me that I am neglecting our parents because I ring once a week not every day as she does. She has visited them on four separate days over the last two years (never staying over) but I am the one that is frequently asked when and for how long will I go. I have an enormous amount going on in my life and had a very stressful job until recently- along with my health problems.
If I was excluded because no one wanted me there why am I now getting pressure about 'never visiting'?
Manipulative and game playing. Like always.
I know they don't like me. But I am useful and I have some cash, a car and a conscience. I am a resource and a scapegoat.
The reason I am pissed about it is because not only did they exclude me but it also means that I have to make my own way there, be on my own and take all the attendant pressure alone when I am actually in a very vulnerable state amd am already struggling.
To those of you who will judge that I am an entitled bitch and am deluded - don't bother posting. I hear plenty of that from my sister.

I can see how stressful and embarressing this situation is for you but with your family's previous behaviour I cannot imagine that you are really that surprised. Travelling with them to your parents would have been equally upsetting I would imagine. Have you a friend who could drive you to your parents? Go in your own time, make your peace with your father and move on.