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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to love my children but find parenting relentless and depressing

28 replies

Moomoomango · 09/07/2017 19:30

I'm really struggling at the moment - I want to know if my feelings towards parenthood are normal. I love my children so incredibly much, but I hate parenting. I hate that I don't know what I'm doing wrong because my 5 year old hits me, punches me, kicks me and today shot a bow and arrow (plastic unfortunately) at me. I hate that I give them everything - all of my love, time etc and that he still wants to hurt me. I hate that I love him so much I could never lay a finger back so I am becoming a victim - no amount of time out/ reprocussions help. I hate that I am clearly failing them in some way despite trying my hardest.

Parenting sucks the life out of me. I am just a shell dreaming about them turning 18 but dreading it all at the same time.

I've never tried so hard at something and been so shit at something all at the same time.

Is this normal? What is normal? How do I get normal?

OP posts:

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 09/07/2017 19:32

Well I do the same so if it's not normal we can be abnormal together. I only have DD too-I don't know why anybody would have more than one sometimes

Original poster

Moomoomango · 09/07/2017 19:35

It's awful isn't it? :(

OP posts:

Blossomdeary · 09/07/2017 19:37

Parenting has its grim phases, but they do pass - hang on in there. Don't wish for them to be 18!! - I will say no more!

Take courage - this too will pass.

MrsDc7 · 09/07/2017 19:39

It's normal mate. I've had one of those days too. We'll get through it

EZA15 · 09/07/2017 19:40

I could have just written this thread. LG is 4 in a month and I'm at the end of my tether with her. I'm struggling so much with her, doesn't help that I discipline but DH just lets her get away with everything then calls me a useless mother

NotYoda · 09/07/2017 19:41

Your poor thing. It's very common for us to feel like this sometimes.
This is how I felt for a period. Relentless is exactly the right word for it.
I used to wish the time away sometimes.

First the hard-talking part of my advice:

You must try and get out of the mindset that your children owe you anything. They literally did not ask to be born and they cannot change their behaviour without you changing your or your mindset.

IME Children are meanest to their parents, whom they love and feel safe with, however if you are particularly not coping or feeling very low and desperate, he may be picking up on that and acting out feelings he can't express.

Which brings me to the second part:

Are you getting enough help? Time alone? Emotional support?
You can't be strong for him if you don't have someone helping you in practical and emotional ways. If your mood is persistently low and you are getting angry or crying a lot, pr not sleeping, then you may need to see your GP

Are there any signs from school etc that he's not developing normally? How's his behaviour there?

How old is/are your other children?

The very worst time for me was when mine were 2 and 4 , and 3 and 5

Lots of questions, sorry.

Parenting is very hard. But you will look back and know you did your best.

Mine are teens now and I have enjoyed them more and more as they've got older.

Tastesjustlikecherrycola85 · 09/07/2017 19:41

Yanbu

BrieOnAnOatcake · 09/07/2017 19:42

It's so much easier when they start school...

WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/07/2017 19:42

How do you punish him when he's violent?

NotYoda · 09/07/2017 19:46

I found the books Little Angels, and Playful Parenting helpful

The first is good for good solid parenting advice and setting boundaries; the second is for creative ideas to put yourself in their shoes, pre-empt conflicts and enjoy being in the moment with them

Original poster

Moomoomango · 09/07/2017 19:48

Thank you for your replies. My children are 5 and 2 and it's usually my 5 year old who tests me the most.
I have a partner who cannot look after them solely ( brain tumour - paralysis on left side) so if I need a break I have to ask my mum or mother in law but have to use them when I work so anytime I'm not working im in mum mode.

If he's violent he gets put in his room as I don't want younger one seeing it as he copies everything. He then has his time out / apology / chat / cuddle or he just lashes out at me more after time out.

Glad it's not just me! Well not for all of you but it's reassuring I'm not too abnormal

OP posts:

Meatbadger · 09/07/2017 19:52

It's bloody hard and when things don't feel like they're going well it's crushingly relentless. Mine are 3 and 1. My partner and I often say we're happier in lots of big ways since we had children, but day to day our lives seem more stressful and less happy. I do wonder if we're normal.

NotYoda · 09/07/2017 19:53

You sounds like you are doing the right thing by putting him in his room, and talking to him afterwards.

You must be under a lot of strain and are doing bloody well in the circumstances - do you get a chance to talk to anyone about your DH?

BrieOnAnOatcake · 09/07/2017 20:00

I found " How to talk so kids listen and listen so kids can talk" really helpful at that age. I think they have all these big emotions they need help to learn how to manage and the books fab!!

NotYoda · 09/07/2017 20:02

... Also, I hope you don't mind me saying that if there is sadness in the house and things he can't, at his age, understand, your son might need support too (some schools have counsellors - worth checking out?)

Ridingthegravytrain · 09/07/2017 20:10

@notyoda I'm glad you said that. Mine are 3 and 5 and it's a living hell! I'm trying not to wish it away but it's hard especially with a 7 week break looming!

I have just been to my gp with similar feelings to you OP and on her recommendation I have contacted a free NHS psychology service just to chat things through. Maybe a visit could be beneficial for you?

TheUpsideDown · 09/07/2017 20:15

You're not alone. My DH runs his own business and is out of the house from 5am to around 7pm+ 6 days a week, and often works away too. I've no other support so it's more or less just 4 yr old DS and I.

I love the boy more than life itself. I genuinely look at him every day and think "how did that beautiful boy come from me?!". And I can lose myself in watching him sleep because he just looks so sweet and gorgeous.

But fuck me it's haaaaaard exhausting thankless work! He's a bright boy who requires an awful lot of stimulation otherwise he just plays me up. I really struggle to get any work / housework done, and shopping is a guaranteed nightmare EVERY time. He's physically aggressive, rude and never listens to the point of putting himself in danger just to enjoy defying me. He's had me in tears on countless occasions because all my punishments fail. Literally nothing works. And he knows it.

DH wants more children but I genuinely don't think I can have any more. Because if they behaved the same as DS I'd probably have a nervous breakdown, or if they were better behaved they'd be getting less attention because I'll always have to be focusing on DS's challenging behaviour.

There are days when I really am depressed and find parenting unbearably tiring.

I'm sorry I have no advice, but just wanted to let you know you aren't the only one. And for you to be working, a carer to your husband and raising children.... you're a real life Wonder Woman!

Don'the be too hard on yourself

Voiceforreason · 09/07/2017 20:32

If you don't mind me saying you sound a little bit intimidated by your 5 year old. Often, the more we struggle to impose discipline and fail, the lower our self esteem plummets and the less our children listen to us. It becomes a self perpetuating cycle. You sound as though you are doing and saying the right things op. But these things must be done with total conviction. You must say to yourself. 'I know exactly what I am going to say and do to deal with this situation and there will be the desired outcome.' Taking the initiative with children is everything! Apart from raising my own I have worked for many years with hundreds of children. I have discovered that although most people have absolutely all the right parenting instincts they sometimes lack belief in their own ability to do a good job. Have conviction and self belief op. Be fair but firm. Be persistant and have confidence. You will succeed.

MrsDc7 · 09/07/2017 20:43

Yeah mine are 3 and 5 and it's very challenging. Hopefully it'll get easier as they get older but in reality it'll just be a different set of problems probably!

NotYoda · 09/07/2017 22:39

Voiceofreason

Absolutely agree. I also work with children and conviction is everything. But that's easy when you are in a less emotional relationship with them

nutbrownhare15 · 09/07/2017 23:22

Sorry you're struggling. As well as the how to talk book above I have also found the gentle parenting book useful. There is also a facebook group and a website. Also ahaparenting.com has some great tips on children and anger.

Meeep · 09/07/2017 23:25

Parenting is thankless and exhausting.
But children are beautiful and wondrous.

It's not just you, that's the way it is.

Esmereldafish · 09/07/2017 23:34

It's so hard, mine are 2 and 4 and spend a lot of time screaming/whining. The eldest is very hard to keep occupied and is bored easily. She is good as gold at school but at home she is hard work. I read somewhere once that Children spent so much energy being 'good' all day that they need somewhere comfortable and safe to release energy and be themselves.

Maybe try a time out chair/step or something instead of his room? I know mine would just start playing with toys and it would no longer be a 'punishment' as such?

Do you get a chance to take older son out alone? I try to make sure we do something fun together without DD2 once a week or so.

Apparently it does get better. You are not alone

Justgivemeamo · 10/07/2017 00:50

Interesting thread op. I am finding days very hard grind too. The thoughts off wrestling, wrangling, cajoling over every single little thing, from dressing, un dressing, eating, car, walking, nearly everything she turns into something hard and painful. Say one wrong word and your done for, accidentally leave key in door and your done for , I have to be on guard every minute of the day. Sometimes just the ten minutes getting her back from nursery finishes me off. If we have no where to go or nothing to aim for for it's fine. But she has older sister and we do have to get places. It's excruciating. A lovely day out today was ruined by her. When I got home home in immediately booked her into a very good local holiday club, only spread out over holidays, 7 days in total, but it's something treat to me. We can't wait really afford it but I need the break and time with older dd to just relax without the manic stress. Have written long post about the bad, could write a novel about the good but it's just too much work at the moment to be salved.

Justgivemeamo · 10/07/2017 00:55

BTW, re the hitting, have you tried to encourage good behave first.... Keep telling him what a good boy he is, try and get him to do a good thing then drown him in praise and give a reward.. Try ignoring him when he hits you but keep going ott if he does something good. Ie set small achievable task just causally, ie can you get it plate please.

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