AIBU to take a vow of silence and never talk again? Why am I such an idiot?!

[BeauMirchoff]

I had an induction day at my new job a few days ago. We had a buffet in the afternoon and some of my most senior colleagues attended. I do know most of them because I worked for them on temporary basis last summer.
As I was talking to two of them (very senior, both 20+ years in the job but very approachable and always up for a good laugh), another colleague approached. And as she did, she said something in French and the other colleague said "oh, I have no idea what you said there" and I, with my big mouth, went "oh, she's swearing at you in French!" It was supposed to be a joke and they did laugh but the colleague who said it didn't look pleased. She said "blimey, you need to sort this one out!" and pointed at me.
I was, and still am, MORTIFIED! Why am I such an idiot?! My big effin mouth i swear, next time I'm juta going to stand there and nod.
Please tell me I'm not the only one whose mouth always gets her into trouble?

It wasn't the speaker who was rude FloatyCat, the OP made a joke at her expense. That's why she got the hump.

Cotswild the OP didn't....she mentioned that the speaker had said "douche".

The speaker was trying to look clever and exclude.

The other colleague kind of sounds like a dick. She was either trying to show off or exclude you then clearly didn't like the fact that you made a joke which she felt was at her expense. The senior staff obviously thought it was funny which is probably why she reacted badly. I wouldn't worry, better than being a miserable cow

Douche means shower. But I'm not quite sure what all the agonising is about?

She does sound miserable and passive-aggressive but at least now you know to avoid putting your head over the parapet with her. Can't stand humourless people.

You made a pun, the others laughed, why is this a problem?

The lady who spoke French then said you need to sort this one out?

I think that's far more inappropriate than what you said to be honest.

This is what she was hoping would happen, she would speak in French, it was probably an in joke the senior managers would have "got" if she had said it in English, they would all laugh and you would stand there politely, baffled but smiling, she would feel smug about having shown you your place.

It backfired on her because you are quick witted.

Actually, we could use you on those "what should I have said" threads

Did the other colleague speak french? Why did she start a conversation in french if she knew knowone was going to understand her?

Personally I'd just assume that what she said was a bit of 'banter' back at you. The 'blimey' implies a jokey , informal tone.

A genuine Bridget Jones moment! Classic!

Beau I did something similar, in front of our group deputy CEO no less.

I often wish I had the same filter on my mouth as I do on Outlook (set not to send for 2 minutes so I don't email in anger)

You'll be fine, just be awesome at work! Bless, I do feel for you though, it's horrible.

I don't think what you said was inappropriate at all. You made a joke. Two people don't it funny and one didn't.

I judge her in this situation not you.

Don't be embarrassed.

Colleague sounds like an arse. Don't worry about it, just watch yourself and don't let her have the opportunity to make a shitty remark about you again (sort this one out? Fucking rude cow) doesn't sound like they're much of a loss anyway if you avoid them

Well, I imagine that the speaker has form and is well known for doing this, but I wouldn't advise annoying someone on your induction! Onwards and upwards OP, when do you start there?

For all you know she could have been saying a put down about you, to them, and it got turned back to her. I woulden't be surprised, seeing what she said about keeping you in line or something.

OP what you said was genuinely very (gently, not awkwardly or OTT) funny!

Senior colleagues reacted as such and I actually think it was a kind thing you did, to soften the embarrassment of her speaking in a language they didn't understand.

Absolutely don't think any more of it. She over-reacted. Nothing more than a laugh or smile was needed.

It was a very inoffensive joke and nothing to be embarrassed about, OP.

Learn how to say "Fuck off, please" in french a.s.a.p.

Also 'sort this one out'? How rude! Totally out of proportion to the situation.

MrsOverTheRoad "She was doing it to exclude you. I saw something similar once. It's a twat's trick."

How was she excluding the OP when the other colleague said "oh, I have no idea what you said there"?

OMG, OP, I am always saying things.
Once we let our neighbour's (glamorous, urbane, fur coated) guests sit in our house for an hour until the neighbours got back. They were German and had been in the Black Forest. I managed to say 'oh gosh coming back here to this busy city must be like landing in Berlin, in the war" I was trying so say Beirut. They were not impressed.
Also, once I was talking to about 200 students. They were required to sign a register and one lady was repeatedly waving both their hands in the air, in parallel IYSWIM. So my mouth suddenly decides to say "Are you directing air traffic?" Everyone laughed, she complained to the HOD, oops.

banff I think she wrongly assumed colleague would understand her. Otherwise why speak French at all?

Oh and another. I was invited to my DF's Mum's 80th Birthday (I was pregnant, my only excuse). DF's DH introduced me to an oldish looking lady and I said "Oh you must be DF's mum" She was NOT, and she was probably about 55. DF's DH was nodding his head vigorously in a "NO, NO, NO" kind of way. She just looked at me and said, "well, you'd better start digging.."

Her pun or whatever backfired, actually that was more embarrassing that the Senior people did not understand what she said, she pitched it totally wrong to them actually. The fact they found you funny, angered her. I would stay out of her way, as she sounds like trouble.