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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'd rather not live near only one set of grand-parents

29 replies

tilda0 · 08/07/2017 22:55

We live abroad (his country) and I found out that I am pregnant. We used to live in a third country (not his, not mine). I am a little obsessed over the fact that we are now closer to his family. Milf can be sometimes judgmental and have principles. I fear having my kid seeing her more than my mum who is -objectively- awesome and the best grandma to my nephews. My parents are 3 hours flight away.
Sometimes I'd rather move back to that third country (which is UK and we are europeans, not sure it's a good idea) than having only his parents. Obviously, my language will be the second language..which freaks me out a bit.
Aibu?
Will I enjoy having milf around even if we don't click?

OP posts:
Fl0ellafunbags · 08/07/2017 22:57

Ok so MILF and MIL are very very different things. And YABU.

PotteringAlong · 08/07/2017 22:59

Your MiL is a MILF? Grin

It's not an issue. We live 20 mins from my PiL, 4 hours away from my parents. It's fine.

Patriciathestripper1 · 08/07/2017 23:00

It's Mil not Milf (which has another meaning😂)
It probably won't be as bad as you think and pregnancy hormones can make everything seem a bit worse if you are anxious. Congratulations Flowers

Original poster
tilda0 · 08/07/2017 23:01

Haha oh shit, my message is turning into a joke now... I meant MIL!!

OP posts:
PickAChew · 08/07/2017 23:02

MILF is an unfortunate typo!

Practice setting boundaries and expressing your own opinions, if that doesn't come naturally. It will save you a lot of butthurt.

We don't live close to GP on both sides, but my parents and MIL only live 100 miles apart. Over the years, this hasn't stopped the boys from forming relationships with GPs o their own terms. DS2 loves MIL (because she gives him lots of biscuits!) and my dad - he's never been close to my mum. DS1 is closest with my mum, even though he doesn't see her more than 3-5 times a year.

SaucyJack · 08/07/2017 23:03

Fnarr!!!

Erm, I think you'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you'd rather live where you don't have any potential help and support, than just your MIL (GILF?) nearby.

She may well be an interfering pain in the arse... but at least the interfering types are usually good for babysitting.

Original poster
tilda0 · 08/07/2017 23:28

@PickAChew Flowers
I can help feeling jealous that his mum will get to see our kids whenever she wants. She lives 15min car trip away from us! And my parents will have to wait...
@SaucyJack She doesn't interfere a lot with us, it's polite and she likes to tell my husband what he does wrong to her point of view. So I believe she'd be a strict grandma as she is a strict mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
tilda0 · 08/07/2017 23:29

*I CAN'T help
Oh damn me, sloppy typo!

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Original poster
tilda0 · 09/07/2017 12:25

Aibu is so busy, my thread disappeared! Up! :)

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Saiman · 09/07/2017 12:28

Yabu. Its not your mils fault you sont live near your mum.

Jealousy is going to end up damaging relationships more than a granny beung a bit strict.

Also my mum was strict with us. Not at all with my kids.

bluebeck · 09/07/2017 12:33

Hmm, I know this isn't what you asked, but I would be very wary of having a child in his country.

If you split up, even if he had an affair/dumped you, you would be trapped there with the DC. Unless he agreed to it, you wouldn't be able to leave (unless you left without your child)

How do you feel about that?

DavidPuddy · 09/07/2017 12:44

We live in a country away from our parents. I would be so, so, so, so, so, so happy to have one grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, indeed any form of relation nearby that could help out/give support, etc.

ememem84 · 09/07/2017 13:04

I'm in a reverse situation. Mil lives 12500 miles away from us on the other side of the world thank god - we don't get on well at all

My parents are a 20 minute walk 10 minute drive away.

Mil has recently kicked off that baby boy (due end of sept) will have a better relationship with my parents and with fil (divorced 4 years ago now) than with her.

Nothing we can do about it. She made the choice to leave.

MadeForThis · 09/07/2017 13:09

We live 30 mins from PIL's and a 3 hour flight from my parents.

Out DD under two, has a much closer relationship with my parents as she spends more prolonged time with them. We visit them or vice versa for 2 week holidays. We also FaceTime a few times a week.

She sees PIL prob every other week but only for an hour or two.

The relationship with family is what you make it. And how much effort they put in too.

LetsSplashMummy · 09/07/2017 13:44

Living in a third country in order to be "fair," would not mean your mum saw more of your DCs though. Instead you would spend your holidays alternating between families. She would end up seeing less of you. Your MIL would not be taking anything from your Mum by seeing you, plenty of love to go round.

I think you should choose where you live based on your needs. It would be really strange to move just to be further from MIL, imagine saying to your mum "we moved away from MIL, so you wouldn't feel it was unfair..." it sounds a strange thing to do, especially as your mum (if awesome) is a grown up and not really petty.

LogicalPsycho · 09/07/2017 13:57

If you split up, even if he had an affair/dumped you, you would be trapped there with the DC. Unless he agreed to it, you wouldn't be able to leave (unless you left without your child)

For that reason alone (and because I'm a cynical arse who don't think anything is guaranteed in life), I'd be making sure my child had the same citizenship as me.
The idea of being in a foreign country, where my DH, his parents and my children all share a Nationality and have instant citizenship rights that I never will, makes me feel deeply uneasy.

RandomUsernameHere · 09/07/2017 13:59

YANBU to feel like that, I completely get where you are coming from.

LockedOutOfMN · 09/07/2017 14:03

We live 30 mins. walk or 5 mins. drive from the ILs and a 3 hr flight from my parents. It's not a problem for us. Children Skype my parents and spend time in the holidays with them, and now they're retired my parents come to visit 2 or 3 times a year.

Original poster
tilda0 · 10/07/2017 00:36

@LetsSplashMummy fair enough, it could means having to split holiday time in two different countries...but I'd be closer to my mum! :)

@bluebeck yes The Hague convention is scary...but I trust my husband. If he was going to split with me and make me miserable, I don't think he would give me double pain by forcing me to stay in his country if I don't want to...he would try to meet me halfway. Not sure what's halfway in this case, might be to let me leave with kids as they lived in his country already

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OctopusesGarden · 10/07/2017 00:45

OP, congratulations on your pregnancy.

We live in a third country. No relations on either side. In laws are 2 shortish flights away. My parents and siblings are on the other side of the world. I miss them very very much. But, since becoming a parent I have become much closer to my in laws. We always got on well but as they are nearer and on a similar time zone to us, we see them much more in person and on Skype. My mum in law in particular has become the person i ring with my (oh so very many) parenting freak outs.

JessieMcJessie · 10/07/2017 00:52

Congratulations on having a baby! Choose where you live based on your own and your husband's am doing future child's needs, not issues around grandparents. There are so many variables in child/grandparent relationships (like all human relationships) that you can't predict how they will turn out. For us my son will only know one set of grandparents because my parents both died before he was born. Count your blessings that you still have grandparents on both sides and don't over- think it.

mylaptopismylapdog · 10/07/2017 01:55

I can sympathise as we met and had 1st child in south east but then moved for his work to south west which meant my family were all miles away and his were close by. For me it would have been better to stay put where I had a supportive postnatal group. His Mum is lovely and would have helped out but his Dad occasionally expressed racist views which I didn't want my kids to be seen as normal. The result for me was depression so I would agree with Jessie the family that matters is your own little family not the extended one.

Original poster
tilda0 · 10/07/2017 09:05

You guys are right, I should focus on where I want to live. I am keen on moving back to London,l which might sound crazy. I should maybe stay put as we live in a quiet place now and that's probably better for kids. I can't move back home even if I feel fairly homesick, it's been too long that I live abroad and I don't have a single clue where would be good.
Always wonder if I should think more about me or the future kid in terms of where to live. It's giving me a headache!

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JessieMcJessie · 10/07/2017 11:30

Unless you are thinking of moving before the baby is born, just enjoy being pregnant and having a newborn and don't worry about this for now. My DS is 10 months old now and my perspective on life has changed radically now that he is in the mix, and my relationship with my in laws is also very different (in a good way) to how it was before he was born. I thought I could imagine life with a baby/child but you only really get it when they come along for real.
One thing I can say though is that if you are happy your child will be happy, so making decisions for yourself is not necessarily bad for the child. I am in London and in my opinion it's a great place to have a baby but there are few really terrible places in the Western world to do it and children don't miss what they've never had.
Would the main factor not be to do with work opportunities for you and your partner though? Financial security is of course much more important with a baby.

Original poster
tilda0 · 10/07/2017 15:21

JessieMcJessie you are probably right, I should pick where to live that makes me happy and i will transmit happiness to the child. It's a delicate situation to move back to London being pregnant and without the safety net of a residency permit yet. But I feel like it would be the right choice for me and my husband, socially speaking.
As a new mum in London, do you get a chance to socialise a little bit? I also would like to share my pregnancy with friends, I'm not seeing anyone where I live now. I'd be interested to hear from you regarding your time when you aren't with your baby (if you do!) thanks :)

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