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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to hear from my DH when he's on a stag do?

61 replies

Missb00 · 08/07/2017 20:45

DH has been away since yesterday morning and is back in a couple of days. He's abroad on a stag do. I've barely had 2 words out of him since he got there (even though he's been on whatsapp 20 mins ago Blush) and I'm wondering if I'm just super needy or would you have heard more from your DP if they were away? I'm the more affectionate of the both of us and definitely would have contacted him more if I'd been away now. I don't want to spoil his fun, just miss him lots and don't want to go another few days without any contact!

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 08/07/2017 21:57

sparkling if I heard nothing I would begin to imagine horrible scenarios of him being in an accident or something. I think I probably do have some form of undiagnosed anxiety though. I so wish I could think like you though.

Ethylred · 08/07/2017 21:59

"I'm anxious" is not an excuse for controlling behaviour. You will only bore him.

Sparklingbrook · 08/07/2017 22:00

I do get that kaytee but I think that of he had had a horrible accident I would soon know about it. I am quite an anxious person too.

peachgreen · 08/07/2017 22:00

It totally varies couple to couple so it's not really any use asking here. You need to agree between you what works for you both.

IWantABlueBanana · 08/07/2017 22:01

My dh is a pain in the arse for phoning or texting too much when he's away. But tonight he's been out nearly 4 hours and not heard a peep, the peace is lovely.... no doubt he'll be a pain in the arse when he does get in.

Original poster
Missb00 · 08/07/2017 22:04

Ethylred who do you think is being controlling? Kaytee can totally understand, my mind wanders to all sorts of horrid scenarios ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Missb00 · 08/07/2017 22:05

Enjoy your peace banana!

OP posts:
CakeNinja · 08/07/2017 22:30

Depends what is normal for you both I suppose. During the working day, we don't text each other at all. In fact, we rarely text/call each other ever!
We live together and see each other most days (sometimes I'm up and out earlier than he wakes, and he gets back after I'm in bed. If i need him, I'll call and vice versa.
When either of us are away and the other is at home with the dc, we maybe send a message to say we have arrived safely, then at some point during the return journey to give an ETA. And that's it.
Fine for us both.

kaytee87 · 08/07/2017 22:50

ethy are you calling me controlling? What are you on about? Confused

joannegrady90 · 08/07/2017 22:53

You sound needy.

Give him a break if he wants to talk to you he will, if not he's too busy having fun 😁

letsmargaritatime · 08/07/2017 22:54

If you normally check in by text a couple of times a day I think it's a bit pathetic of him to not do this on the basis it's a stag do. Everyone has time for a quick text am/pm to just check in. If DH and I are apart we always text first thing/ last thing, maybe some couples don't do that and that's fine for them but the idea that it's not cool on a stag do is a bit immature

Allthebestnamesareused · 08/07/2017 23:01

Maybe send a text tomorrow am saying Hi How's it going? but don't stress if he doesn't reply

wondering23 · 08/07/2017 23:04

My DH and I would usually exchange a few texts a day and maybe a quick phone call if one of us is away. Neither of us are especially needy but it's nice to know you're being thought of when you're apart.

The odd text doesn't get in the way of fun. There are always quiet times on stag/hen dos to tap out a quick message, like in the morning, getting ready to go out in the evening etc.

Maybe speak to him in advance of the next trip? These things often don't cross their minds unless you spell it out for them!

MaisyPops · 08/07/2017 23:08

I may even way off base here, but I think what Ethylred was getting at is that saying "I'm anxious" as a woman doesn't excuse actions that should a guy do it, it would be controlling.

missyB1 · 08/07/2017 23:09

Goes to show how different peoples relationships are, my DH will txt or ring daily when he's away, stag do or whatever. If he didn't I would be worried, not because I'm controlling but because that's what's normal for us.

Strongerwithoutyou · 08/07/2017 23:26

Missb00 I've pm'd you

rainbowduck · 08/07/2017 23:33

YABU

Let him enjoy, and tell you about it when he gets back.

AceholeRimmer · 08/07/2017 23:35

It's weird not to check in at all. One text takes seconds and there will be quiet times like pp said.

kaytee87 · 09/07/2017 06:13

I don't think asking your partner to send you a text once or twice a day, while they're away (possibly in a foreign country) to let you know they're safe and enjoying themselves is controlling whether it's a woman or a man doing the asking. I suppose it depends how your relationship is as a whole.

CarrotFingers · 09/07/2017 07:36

I agree with kaytee. It depends what's normal for you. Me and my DH whatsapp a bit during the day - just general stuff, links to articles, I'll send the odd pic of the DC (I'm on maternity leave at the moment). We've always been the same. We're moving house at the moment so we frequently messaging each other about stuff we need to remember to do! If he went away on a stag do of course I wouldn't expect that level of contact, or even any calls necessarily, but I would expect a message or two.

Shoxfordian · 09/07/2017 07:39

I wouldn't expect my partner to message me often if he's away on a stag do. I'd assume he's having too much fun and I'd be the same if I went away.

Agree that anxiety isn't an excuse to need to hear from him all the time and should be managed through some therapy or counselling if necessary

swingofthings · 09/07/2017 07:53

Depends what is normal for you both I suppose
Exactly that! My OH is extremely independent and would hate the idea that I spy on him. However, he is wonderful at always keeping in touch when he is away, calling me when he says that he will and tell me in a way that I do believe him totally that he misses me.

Yet we are the most independent married couple we know!

It all comes down to what is normal for both of you in terms of communication as opposed to needing to be reassured that they are not up to something they shouldn't be.

DiamondShine · 09/07/2017 08:00

Had same problem last weekend

clairewilliams999 · 09/07/2017 08:00

Just let him enjoy himself with his friends for a few days, he hasn't forgotten about you. why does he need to check in?

sundayfeeling · 09/07/2017 08:16

In this situation I would expect the following:

  1. A text 'We are here' to which I would respond 'Cool, have fun'
  2. Another short call or a text 'Hi, you and the kids ok?' to which I would respond 'Yes great, see you soon'

Honestly, let him have some fun. He will appreciate you all the more for it.