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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To match up dh's salary, not put more ?

70 replies

Kinderbonbon · 08/07/2017 19:42

I earn more than him, I do pretty much everything in the house + childcare. We have a common account. Shall I put the same amount as him every month instead of always putting more ? He is always make me feel guilty...don't buy a new outfit because we are going out (I was not going too), don't buy this it's wrong (why from a personal point of view I can, I'm working 50 hours every week)

I want to change bank and only contribut to what is needed, no more AIBU ?

OP posts:

TFPsa · 09/07/2017 08:34

You're married so legally (unless you're hiding it somehow) whether you keep the money in a joint or solo account is totally irrelevant.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 09/07/2017 08:45

If this were a man posting he would be roasted alive for daring to suggest such a thing. Men are expected to hand over their salaries no questions asked.

I think the OP has had a fair number of posters telling her that they think she should contribute proportionally.

In terms of the response being different depending on the sex of the OP - I saw a thread recently posted by a bloke whose DW was taking the absolute piss by refusing to work and doing very little round the house. The consensus of the thread was that he should find a good solicitor and boot her out - as he was also doing the majority of the childcare whilst she was off chatting to other blokes online. Almost all posters were in agreement that he should fight for residency of the children and stay in the marital home.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 09/07/2017 08:58

Hmm, well firstly you shouldn't be doing more of the domestic labour than him.
Then I think you should contribute an equal proportion of your wage so you both have roughly the same amount of spending money each. But as long as he has some spending money I don't think it's wrong that you have a bit more (controversial on here).

Fwiw I earn 3x what my DH does. We contribute equally to mortgage and bills but I pay everything else like school fees, car, holidays, house redecorating etc. I'd say he has at least as much free spending money as me left over each month, but it's not exact.

I do see it as family money so I don't mind paying in more than him, I'd be annoyed if I had little spending money and he had loads though.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 09/07/2017 08:59

Re reading your op, i would match what he puts in and keep the rest! He sounds awful.

PurpleDaisies · 09/07/2017 09:03

The money issue and the domestic labour should be entirely separate. I have a joint account and we share all money but if you don't feel you can trust him with that the fairest way is to keep equal fun money and savings money and put the rest in a household account.

You need to change the way your childcare and housework happens though. It's totally out of order for one person to do it all while the other sits on their arse.

ethelfleda · 09/07/2017 09:10

I personally don't think there is a right or wrong way to handle finances in a partnership but it does have to be an arrangement you are both comfortable with. And there does need to be compro.ise until you're both happy with the outcome.
For a long time me and my (now Dh) put the same amount each in a joint account to cover bills etc and for a while I earned more and then we evened out and now he earns more. When I leave work for a year to have a baby in Nov, we will use all of his salary for the bills and live on what is left (plus my SMP - my company doesn't provide a better package than that)
After I go back we agreed we could carry on the exact same way but then I would pay for child care and we will save the rest.

I'm getting a £7k windfall in a month or two (work awarding me some shares which I will sell) and we decide as a family how to spend it. Although DH insists I treat myself to something extravagant as I 'earned' it. I'm not so bothered.
Anyway - I don't think we have ever fallen out about money in a long time. It's just not important as long as there is enough there to cover your lifestyle etc.

sandgrown · 09/07/2017 09:12

I will never have a joint account with anybody after ex withdrew all"our" money and went off with OW. DP and I pay certain bills each. I earn more but I work more hours/overtime. I also supported DP through periods of unemployment. I spend the extra on nice family holidays and our sons activities and clothes (DP would wince at the cost of the named clothing DS likes!)

coastalchick · 09/07/2017 09:25

we don't have kids at the moment (just started trying) and aren't married or engaged but bought a house together recently. OH earns 5k a year more than me. I used to earn A LOT more than him (36k a year more at one point, then 28k more when he got a rise) but I recently decided to give up that job as was too stressful and made me lose my hair, have IBS, anxiety, panic attacks etc) and now I work 4 days a week for a lot less. He probably also earns more than me overall now as he gets decent bonuses wheras I don't. But we have always split everything 50/50 but not had a joint account - we have a joint bills account and joint mortgage account where we pay in equal per month. Then we have a joint credit card that all things we do together (holidays, meals out, food shopping) goes on which we again split end of month.

The money we retain in our own accounts is ours to spend as we please, no questions asked. Neither of us will go and blow a ridiculous amount on something without informing the other though. We never set that rule, it just kind of materialised. Also, he is going away with his mates in sept to watch cricket and I'm going to see a mate - neither of us questioned cost.

When we bought house I put more in as we were able to sell my house but couldn't sell his (it's now rented out). we've kept a note of what we each put in as he wants to make sure its equal but we discussed that if he comes into any money or is able to sell his place then we will do what's best for us as a couple at the time - whether that's paying me back, using cash towards extension or investing it.

Our plan when we have a kid is to put away a set amount a month each into a bank account for our child (if we are lucky enough to have one) so that it builds up over their lifetime and will either pay for university if that's what they want, or they can have some of it for a gap year, or for a deposit towards a flat (this is what they want).

BUT I guess this split might all change if/when we have kids. And I suspect my OH would probably pull his weight with the kids. Though I am now conscious that I earn less and so am fully prepared to go back full time if necessary

Original poster

Kinderbonbon · 09/07/2017 20:21

I'm sorry I didn't come back earlier...I was so annoyed last night. Due to the nature of my job, I get to be early at home every day hence why I do more. I would never let the family goes without it and not putting my whole salary in the same pot doesn't mean I would constantly treat myself. I'm fed up of being taken for granted. I don't really enjoy my job but it does earn well but I really don't see any personal benefits. It's like I have no identity.

OP posts:

NinonDeLenclos · 10/07/2017 14:40

Not just a question of more though, you're saying you do 'pretty much everything'. Why? He's home later in evening surely? He's home on weekends? 50 hours a week is 50 hours, it doesn't matter what time those hours are. What are his working hours?

If you earn your own money it's not up to him if you want to buy a new outfit, within reason. (Obviously if you were splashing about large sums it would be different).

My mum always told my sister and me to earn our own money and to have our own bank accounts. (And joint accounts for bills etc, as others have suggested).

Original poster

Kinderbonbon · 10/07/2017 14:59

I'm waiting for my cleaner to come back in October so for the last few weeks that was me who mostly did the cleaning and the cooking. He does the laundry, feed the pets, iron his shirts, sometimes cooks...his last offering was Frankfurt in finger bread roll. I'm a right mug, I work so hard in order to increase my salary, I have to ask if I can buy a new pair of sunglasses.

OP posts:

NinonDeLenclos · 10/07/2017 15:04

Can you get agency cleaners in the mean time?

I have a long term cleaner, but she works for an agency so that if she's away they cover her shifts. It also means they pay all her taxes for her, cover sick pay, find new clients if one moves etc.

Anyway, back to you.

You don't have to ask to buy your own sunglasses, you're an adult woman who earns her own money. It's not your husband's decision. Is he this controlling in other areas? Does he consult you on all his purchases?

HSMMaCM · 10/07/2017 17:23

It sounds like there's much more to this than the money split

We both pay our wages into a joint account and each take equal spending money out. We also both do half of the work around the house and with our DD. DH never tells me what I can and cannot spend my money on.

Original poster

Kinderbonbon · 10/07/2017 18:27

I work from home so I have more time to do dinner as he is back at 7, we can't wait for him as the kids are pestering me for food. I do all the dishes (no place for dishwasher), I do the meal plan (easy enough stuff) he promised he'd cooked 2 nights and the week ends, he did cook yesterday and it was lovely. Yes I resent him a lot. All the pressure is on me, he says give me some the pressure, I say ok...the canteen for the kids needs to be paid every first of the month...he promised this month and did it, but he promised other month but forgot. I do a budget for the month so we don't forget anything to pay and it makes me feel better. I try my best but I do pretty much everything even if I tell you what needs to be done, he is not consistent.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kinderbonbon · 10/07/2017 18:29

It seems he is trying to get away with things as in not doing much to help then I explode then he does something but he is not consistent. Believe me I was a lazy child/teen over indulged by mother but these days are long behind me...if I'm not on top of things and earning a certain amount we'd be fucked.

OP posts:

LittleReindeerwithcloggson · 10/07/2017 18:36

Another one here that pays a % of salary into a joint account. All bills go from there and anything needed for the kids. Rest of our money is ours but, as I earn a lot more, I will often pay for us to go out for meals etc - but that's my choice. Works for us

Buttons2121 · 10/07/2017 18:56

I earn more than DH; we both pay 60% of our earnings into joint account and all bills etc comes from that. This way it is fair, yes the amount is different, but why should DH pay in the same amount as me when he earns less? We have our own accounts for the rest of our salaries and can spend as we see fit. If we go out for dinner/cinema, we sometimes use joint, sometimes our own accounts, no keeping track of who is buying what - we are partners.

Crumbs1 · 10/07/2017 19:03

Your married so all money surely becomes family money. It is all owned jointly and equally. Once all essentials, savings, joint treats like holidays are paid money should be equally divided for treats.

Intransige · 10/07/2017 19:37

I still don't understand what his redeeming features are? Presumably there are some as you're still with him?

Original poster

Kinderbonbon · 10/07/2017 20:45

I have been giving all my money to the main account for the last 12 years. I don't spend on extravagant things apart from ready made salads or pizza or take away when I think shit I have been working 10 hours I really can't be arsed cooking. I don't want to spoil myself on the side, I'm really not high maintenance...things sting when I hear you don't need to buy yourself a new outfit for Saturday (to go to a dinner party)...I didn't even want to buy a new outfit so why mentioning it ? I bought a pair of flip flops for this summer = £8. I don't deny him anything either ! The other dig was I signed a new work contract and got some money in advance, the first thing he said : it's not a bonus you know, it's actual salary...what the fucking need of saying that ?

OP posts:

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