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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To match up dh's salary, not put more ?

70 replies

Kinderbonbon · 08/07/2017 19:42

I earn more than him, I do pretty much everything in the house + childcare. We have a common account. Shall I put the same amount as him every month instead of always putting more ? He is always make me feel guilty...don't buy a new outfit because we are going out (I was not going too), don't buy this it's wrong (why from a personal point of view I can, I'm working 50 hours every week)

I want to change bank and only contribut to what is needed, no more AIBU ?

OP posts:
NinonDeLenclos · 08/07/2017 20:26

I earn more than him, I do pretty much everything in the house + childcare

Like everyone else, I'm wondering why on earth you are doing this?

The contribution issue is small fry. Although I suggest you get your own bank account.

StarUtopia · 08/07/2017 20:35

Yabu you both should put your full salary in and withdraw the same amount of monthly " fun" money.

Voice of reason on this thread. Seriously. Don't understand why other couples don't do this. Stops all the arguing.

gillybeanz · 08/07/2017 20:36

You have allowed yourself to become a mug, get him doing his 50% or paying for someone else to do his share.
yes, your money if married is joint, family money and you should each have the same disposable income.
I he tells you what you can and can't buy again, ask him why he thinks he gets to dictate.

Rainbunny · 08/07/2017 20:37

AndNowItIsSeven - OP is Yabu? Really?

I've been married for 17 years and we have a joint account that we pay an agreed amount into, with whatever is remaining kept in our separate accounts. We have always been very open and upfront on our finances and have discussed and planned our commitments to joint expenditures, retirements and investments, household bills, household entertainment/holiday money etc... and made specific plans for times when one of us hasn't been earning (during our DCs early stages). We have never had a problem or resentments about money as a result.

It's the 21st century and I think the reality of what marriage and family mean have changed but a lot but often people resist updating their mentality about money. Many marriages end in divorce, many couples don't marry at all and we are a lot more "individualistic" as adults than our parents and grandparents generations - by this I mean if I want to take a solo trip to hike in the Canadian Rockies it's my right to do so, using my own money (with a reasonable discussion and logistical planning done with my DH.) I feel the same about my DH doing things that he wants to do or spend his money on.

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 08/07/2017 20:39

We have separate bank accounts and joint accounts fro the household bills. We each transfer 50% to those accounts monthly.

Everything else is our own money. Works for us.

MsVestibule · 08/07/2017 20:41

Are you threatening to reduce your financial contribution in the hope that this will make him up his game on the domestic front Confused?

I believe money should be pooled and each have an equal amount of discretionary spends. Household duties and childcare should be roughly split according to the number of hours worked outside the home, e.g. somebody working FT will generally do less than the partner working PT. (Unless the DCs are tiny or have SN etc etc.)

VestalVirgin · 08/07/2017 20:42

If having a separate bank account is all the rebellion you can consider right now, then do that.

But long-term, you have to address the problem that you are doing more work than he, and that he is making you feel guilty. Doesn't sound like he's a nice man!

chiquita1 · 08/07/2017 20:44

He has a really good deal!!

Trills · 08/07/2017 20:46

you both should put your full salary in and withdraw the same amount of monthly " fun" money.

First answer got it.

You should also both do the same amount of housework, childcare, life admin, mental consideration of whether it's PE day tomorrow and the kit is washed, etc.

You probably don't, but withholding money is not the way to balance it out.

jenm87 · 08/07/2017 20:47

my partner has been paying everything as i only just started working this week! but im only contracted to 10 hours which isnt much but better than nothing (werent entitled to any benefits etc either) anyway im a bargain hunter and use lots of apps to make money infact most xmas presents last year were bought from me doing surveys etc. back to my point now im working my partner will still pay majority of the bills i will use my money for the top ups of gas electric etc and things we need. but if i earn more than we will get a joint account and work out cost of all bills and put half of it in each so that whatever we have left is ours to do what we want with. its only fair ( i do wish i was earning more so i could contribute more)

notangelinajolie · 08/07/2017 20:48

Do what works for you OP.

We don't have his and hers anything - all income regardless of who earns it or how much it is goes into one joint account. As far as we are both concerned, it is family money.

We have an ISA each which I transfer an equal amount into if we can afford it. Anything left over after that is put in our other account which is also joint. This is for food, petrol and general everyday spending. Non of us has particularily high spending habits or hobbies and most things we buy are for the house or holidays which are shared expenses anyway. Kids birthdays and Christmas presents - shared. We only ever go out with each other so it doesn't matter who goes to the bar as it comes from the same bank account. Clothes, haircuts etc are bought as and when either of us need them. Fairly equal spending between us - we are both as tight as each other so neither of us would splash out on anything big without the other person involved.

That won't work for everyone one. Some people prefer to keep things seperate - some don't.

mydietstartsmonday · 08/07/2017 20:48

Fuck that I earn x 10 more than DP, I most certainly not make all my salary available to him, but I of course pay for much more but I have my money and he has his.

Graceflorrick · 08/07/2017 20:50

All money should be shared, it's not fair otherwise.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 08/07/2017 20:50

Equal finances only when he's contributing equal effort into the household overall - including to the "wifework" and the childcare.

PurplePeppers · 08/07/2017 20:55

If this was the other way around, everyone would be saying that the higher earning partner (the man) shouod be paying more.
I think the issue yu have is that you are doing everything AND pang more which means you are taken for granted/taken advantage.

I think you should se it as two different issues and tackle them as such. BUT I can see why you aren't. Your DH wants at the same time all the advantages of being the man in the house, not lifting his finger AND all the advantages of being equal etc... so he expects you to work and earn money and then out all that in the pot.
And of course, he can't have it both ways....

PurplePeppers · 08/07/2017 20:58

Fwiw I think the 'keeping the money for yourself' depends a lot of where you are financially.
If that means that the other partner is always careful with money, struggle month to onto etc... whilst you can do whatever you like, then it is totally unfair.
If you both earn plenty and enough to both have a pension, both buy most of what you want (rather than need) and still have some left then I can understand better why you would keep it.

mantlepiece · 08/07/2017 21:04

I think it's not about the money, you are angry with him due to his attitude and you want to use money to hit back.

If you felt you were in a true 50/50 partnership you wouldn't even be thinking these thoughts.

It's cards on the table time, you need to sit down with him and tell him your concerns about the way your life together is and get him on board with being a true partner.

Good luck.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 08/07/2017 21:12

If this were a man posting he would be roasted alive for daring to suggest such a thing. Men are expected to hand over their salaries no questions asked.

He should be doing his share of the housework and parenting as marriages are supposed to be an equal partnership. One doesn't get to opt of the parts they don't fancy doing.

There's no right or wrong way to do finances as long as you are meeting your 50% off the bills

Nanna50 · 08/07/2017 21:13

We have family money and I don't see how we could have managed it differently. I have had maternity leave and sabbaticals from work where I've had little or no income, my OH has had redundancy and times where he has earned less than me. We have always paid the bills and shared the rest, saving what we could. Although we always consult on a large purchase, holiday etc.

So when I didn't work my OH paid the bills and shared what he had left. We have always known what the other earns.

Motherbear26 · 08/07/2017 21:35

My DH and I have always been 50/50 with our money. We had a joint account before we married when we used to earn a similar amount and it hasn't changed at all even though I stopped work to raise our children (a joint decision). However, I feel we are a partnership. When I worked my DH did an equal amount of housework. Since I have stopped work, he barely does any but I do have much more time now to manage the household and I spend what I want without question. I can't help but think that both of us would feel differently if one or the other wasn't doing their fair share.

I think OP that you do not want to contribute the lions share of the household income when your DH isn't pulling his weight with the housework or childcare. In my opinion your attitude is perfectly justified. Your husband lives in your home and is a parent to your DC in exactly the same way you are. He isn't supporting you and should do his fair share. Keep your disposable income to yourself until DH learns to pull his weight. And before anyone comments, I would say exactly the same if the OP was male. Relationships are about give and take.

NellieFiveBellies · 08/07/2017 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackberryandNettle · 08/07/2017 21:47

Yabu.
Why should he contribute every penny he earns whilst you have a spending pot all to yourself. Very unfair - you're meant to be a team. He should however be doing more at home, also because you are supposed to be a team.

BlackStars · 08/07/2017 23:32

Pooling all your money together only works if you have similar attitudes towards money management - and I say that as someone who only has a joint account.

Likewise keeping separate accounts only works if you have similar attitudes to money management.

In fact most relationships only work if you have similar attitudes to money management.

FruitCider · 09/07/2017 08:21

This thread has got me thinking. With my self employed income I earn twice as much as DP, probably more once overtime has been taken into account. I wanted to go away in June, and DP told me I needed to pay for it myself, so I duly did by working more overtime, but actually if he contributed £1200 to the money pot that month, I contributed £2200, I put £600 into joint savings every month, so why couldn't I withdraw that instead? I think I'm going to suggest splitting fun money in future.

Tofutti · 09/07/2017 08:29

He sounds financially abusive (preventing you from spending money on what you want - i.e. you can't buy an outfit because he wants to go out.

In this situation, I would NOT want a joint account with partner.

You are also working full time and doung all the housework and childcare when home.

He sounds absolutely useless. Why are you with him?

Absolutely do NOT put more than him into joint outcome to fund his life where he does fuck all housework and childcare.