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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Linked to another thread I've put on .. to leave area my dc have been brought up in now youngest about to go to uni ..

49 replies

ginorwine · 08/07/2017 19:22

Have always loved the Yorkshire moors and coast
We come several times a year and know locals by sight and to chat to
We saw a house y day and dh said let's go for it .
I wd miss my best friend but I love thiscsrea

My dc however love our city and have lots of local friends - they are at uni now but home for long summers and my ds loves seeing his old mates , gets work easy and also just loves our city . I feel he will be devestatd if we leave and may have identity issue about his life were he belongs etc . He thinks this area we are thinking of is boring and as it is a holiday village he may struggle to make friends abd feel isolated .
If we were moving here we had planned to do so when the dc. Were a bit older . It makes sense . But dh has seen abd viewed amazing listed blacksmith cottage with direct sea view and feels we must consider going for it
Our son is a v gentle soul who likes predictability and tradition and every time I think of tell him this poss news I feel afraid and tearful
Aibu to consider putting dh and I first ( even if I can emotionally ) ?

OP posts:
Stopandlook · 08/07/2017 19:24

I'm not sure. I only found out recently that my sister has never really forgiven my Mum for selling the family home and moving away while she was at Uni. I felt differently about it, when I went to Uni I strongly felt I was leaving home permanently.

GeorgeTheHamster · 08/07/2017 19:36

Be aware that your son may choose to stay with friends in the holidays so that he can be where he feels at home and see his friends. He may not stay with you.

AgainstTheOddsNo2 · 08/07/2017 19:39

I would say that now is the time for you, but how far are you thinking of going? A mates parents up and moved 4 hrs (on a good day) away from them and their siblings and now they are elderly it is very difficult when issues arise

RedSkyAtNight · 08/07/2017 19:50

I think this is fine - there is nothing to stop Dc staying with mates or moving back to your home town permanently when they have finished uni.

I would say, that you need to be aware that you may be not see as much of them as you would have done if you'd stayed put. and that equally it might be harder for them to provide practical help as you get older.

My parents have just chosen to move to an area 4 hours away from me (and my brother) for similar reasons to yours. I have no problem with them moving there - but I do have a problem with the guilt trips that they don't see as much of us, and them always expecting us to do the running as they don't want to come here.

maggie222 · 08/07/2017 19:50

This is time for you and your husband.

We are in the same situation. We are desperate to move to The Scottish Highlands but ds's are 15 & 16. We have said as soon as they start uni or work the plans will begin. They are very welcome to join us but that will be our time as as a couple to start the next adventure. I love my boys dearly but I also really believe you need to find time for adults before it is too late.

There has been a lot of illness and setbacks for us in the past few years, it makes you look at life differently and grab opportunities with both hands.

Good luck

Xx

Trills · 08/07/2017 19:54

Go live where YOU want to live.

Original poster
ginorwine · 08/07/2017 19:55

Thankyou Maggie
I sort of feel it me and dh time to choose
We stayed where we are for dc as they where in good schools
My best friend however is in tears so it's all pulling on my heart strings

OP posts:
Headfullofdreams · 08/07/2017 19:59

Why don't you ask your DC? They may surprise you.

SpiritedLondon · 08/07/2017 20:01

You can't expect to live your life based around what your grown up children want. How long will it be until he doesnt want to come home over the holidays because he's going travelling or want to stays with his girlfriend? Does he drive? Perhaps if he has access to a car he'll find it easier to access " civilisation " a little bit better.

coconuttella · 08/07/2017 20:01

Your kids are at uni... they'll develop lives up there and there's nothing stopping visiting friends in their hom town. You absolutely should not live somewhere simply because your house makes as a convenient place to stay for your kids to see their old friends when they're back from uni on their hols!

Andrewofgg · 08/07/2017 20:03

Do it. They are old enough not to expect you to be where they want you when they want you.

coconuttella · 08/07/2017 20:04

my sister has never really forgiven my Mum for selling the family home and moving away while she was at Uni.

Then I'm afraid your sister is very selfish...

AyeAmarok · 08/07/2017 20:08

Your DC are at university. They're adults. They should be living their own lives now or in the next couple of years, and once they graduate they will need to be flexible on location to get a good job.

If your DS wants to stay local and gets jobs there easily, then he can rent a room or a flat there once he has a job. Problem solved!

Original poster
ginorwine · 08/07/2017 20:08

Head
Have sounded ds out
Says it's boring and a rude word about the area
Hates it
Remembers dreary to him
Childhood holidays !

OP posts:
Trills · 08/07/2017 20:20

Does it really matter to him if you live somewhere boring?

How much does it matter?

So much that he gets to decide that you can't live where you please?

Mintychoc1 · 08/07/2017 21:08

I wouldn't do it.
Yes of course, you have every right to do it, it's inly fair you and Dh should have your time now etc etc. You absolutely have "rightness" on your side.

But your DS clearly doesn't like the area, so will likely choose to spend time in the city with friends, and will visit you far less than he otherwise would have done. It could cause a lasting shift in your relationship with him.

Trills · 08/07/2017 21:12

Him going off to university will be a lasting shift in your relationship.

You'll never know how different that shift would be if you had moved/not moved, you'll only ever know what happens with the choice that you do make.

dingdongdigeridoo · 08/07/2017 21:15

They're at uni, they're grown and have their own lives! This is the time for you to do what you want. They can always stay with mates if they love your current area so much. And your friend will get over it!

As someone with a young DC I sometimes fantasise about what we'll do when they're off at uni. Blush

Naturebabe · 08/07/2017 21:19

This is crazy - go live your life. You can't put your life on hold for fear of upsetting your children. I feel angry for you that you would be so beholden to them!

Agoddessonamountaintop · 08/07/2017 21:22

I agree with Mintychop. If you do it, do it in the full knowledge that you'll hardly ever see your son - but MN thinks it's fine so . . .

SolomanDaisy · 08/07/2017 21:25

I think you need to make the choice for you. But as part of making the choice be aware that you will probably see a lot less of your son over the next few years and that might set a pattern. Not that he's necessarily going to resent you or anything, just that he's almost certain to spend less time in your home. It depends whether that matters to you more than the vision you have of your future life as a couple.

SpiritedLondon · 08/07/2017 21:29

He's going to spend less time at your house in any event.... it's the natural order of things.

elQuintoConyo · 08/07/2017 21:31

Go!

My parents moved at the end of my first year of uni, from 1hr30 north of my uni town to 1hr30 south. Not a very interesting place and I had no friends whatsoever.

I stayed a year after i graduated, did a TEFL course and moved to Italy at 23.

No one could have predicted I emigrate, especially as i was such a wallflower, afraid of my own shadow, and loved the security of living with my parents.

It is the end of an era for you and your children, and the beginning of another.

Socksey · 08/07/2017 21:31

DS is something to think about.... but has he thought that in the next few years he's likely to move away for work etc.... and certainly move out of home with you.... that's normal and while you want to maintain a good relationship where he is always welcome.... that doesn't mean you have to stay stuck in one place for the rest of your life....
He may even think it's great in a few yoiears when he has kids of his own ..

RenaissanceBunny · 08/07/2017 21:32

Well as much as your DCs like the current area realistically they won't be there much. Since I left for uni I've not been back to my parents for more than three weeks together (in the past 7 years). They live in an area I love but is quite rural/boring, however some of my school friends are still there. Really as you grow up at uni and certainly after the first semester most people don't want to be home for more than two weeks or so as they (and I) find it restrictive being home and back in the mode of a child after living independently. I'd be sad if my parents moved but I could always stay with a friend if I wanted to visit the area.

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