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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Linked to another thread I've put on .. to leave area my dc have been brought up in now youngest about to go to uni ..

49 replies

ginorwine · 08/07/2017 19:22

Have always loved the Yorkshire moors and coast
We come several times a year and know locals by sight and to chat to
We saw a house y day and dh said let's go for it .
I wd miss my best friend but I love thiscsrea

My dc however love our city and have lots of local friends - they are at uni now but home for long summers and my ds loves seeing his old mates , gets work easy and also just loves our city . I feel he will be devestatd if we leave and may have identity issue about his life were he belongs etc . He thinks this area we are thinking of is boring and as it is a holiday village he may struggle to make friends abd feel isolated .
If we were moving here we had planned to do so when the dc. Were a bit older . It makes sense . But dh has seen abd viewed amazing listed blacksmith cottage with direct sea view and feels we must consider going for it
Our son is a v gentle soul who likes predictability and tradition and every time I think of tell him this poss news I feel afraid and tearful
Aibu to consider putting dh and I first ( even if I can emotionally ) ?

OP posts:

SheepyFun · 08/07/2017 21:38

My father's employer moved several hundred miles just as my youngest sibling was going to university. My parents moved - they had little choice (DDad has a niche skill set, and they couldn't afford for him to retire). We've all survived (though I appreciate it was easier for me). None of us live in our childhood home town now (all at least an hour away), though all of us are closer to it than where our parents are now. It's not ideal, but I was never planning to move back to my hometown anyway. Your children will be OK, and I'm not exactly unusual in having parents who no longer live in the 'family home'.

Original poster

ginorwine · 08/07/2017 22:53

Thanks
My dd is hone for 4 months over the summer - maybe next year he will be there longer ? Second year ..

OP posts:

BatFacedGirl · 08/07/2017 23:41

I wouldn't do it. Not yet.

I wouldn't say you should be at the beck and call of adult children for years but my view would be it wouldn't be the right time just yet. A few years and maybe.

Dernerberker · 09/07/2017 01:26

When my younger sister (now 21) moved out, my parents also upped sticks to the other end of the country to Yorkshire. We're all fine. It's sad that they're not a 20 minute walk from my house, and we only see them every couple of months instead of everyday, which is upsetting. But, they spent 20 years in total raising us, they very much deserve to enjoy some more free time as a couple! So in summary, we see them much less but we still talk on the phone and meet up every few months or so. We all adapted to the new 'normal' anf everything is fine.

seventhgonickname · 09/07/2017 02:06

And as soon as he has a serious partner he will stop seeing you without a backwards glance.His reasons for you not going seem a bit childish.
Time for you to make the move and live your lives again.I love Yorkshire,Enjoy.

yourerubberimglue · 09/07/2017 02:08

My mum did ( I still have a room) it's small and I did feel heartbroken about my childhood home but ... it's worked out fine. Harder when I didn't have a car but I like the house now and am soon moving on x

ItsGone · 09/07/2017 02:15

Does your DS drive? If not can you bribe him with lessons and a car so he can easily visit his friends in the city?

DC uni holidays are long but often their friends are away anyway or busy working or travelling during the summer. It's not like school holidays?

Original poster

ginorwine · 09/07/2017 07:52

Derber
Do yr parents love it ? Hope so x

OP posts:

mctat · 09/07/2017 07:53

'I wouldn't do it.
Yes of course, you have every right to do it, it's inly fair you and Dh should have your time now etc etc. You absolutely have "rightness" on your side.'

I feel the same. I think I'd wait if it were me, but make clear to the dc that it's happening at some stage (if indeed it is). No judgement whatsoever if you decided to do it now though.

I had a huge attachment to our family home. I didn't resent my parents for selling/moving, but it did me a long time to really 'get over it'. But I kind of see that as a nice thing in that, overall, we had a happy home. We were there for 20 years. My siblings felt the same, but are older. My DPs did choose to wait until I had finished university though, but they had started to spend a lot more time in the new area.

swingofthings · 09/07/2017 07:58

Time for your son to realise that you are not responsible any longer to make him happy and that's its time you start making decisions that make you happy.

OH and I are staying where we are mainly for the benefit of the children. The moment the youngest it off to Uni or elsewhere, it will be our time to think of us first. They already know that and are encouraging us to do so.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/07/2017 07:59

I'd wait.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 09/07/2017 08:05

we were in exactly the same situation a few years ago and decided not t move fir a few years.

Our dd was going through Albert difficult phase and was doing so well just to get on with uni. We realised us moving would really upset her so decided to wait.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 09/07/2017 08:06

Don't know who Albert is! I meant *a very difficult time.

Headofthehive55 · 09/07/2017 08:17

I think you are better off waiting until they have left uni. So many seem to come back and live at home these days - might it be hard for him to get work there?

My DD is at uni and comes home more now that she did in her first year. In fact she spends more time here than at uni. She increasingly hasn't enjoyed uni and has few friends there. We didn't expect that! But she has needed the stability of home to get through uni.

One of her friends parents from home has moved away during uni time. DDs friend has found it difficult. She has not made friends in the new place whilst on holiday, yet no one in her old friendship group can realistically put her up so she misses out on so many social outings here. It's also expensive for her to travel back here. I know it's caused a lot of unhappiness.

olliegarchy99 · 09/07/2017 08:19

Do it for yourself
Your children have effectively left home and should not be interfering with what you want to do.
They could well end up living abroad or far away from the city they grew up in within a few years.
You only get one life and it is yours.

Agoddessonamountaintop · 09/07/2017 13:01

It seems people have differing ideas regarding when a technically adult child has left home and can be considered 'off your hands.' Personally, I always encouraged mine to do the best they could educationally and part of enabling that means providing a familiar, stable home for the duration. I'd hate to think my kids couldn't see their mates during the holidays, or only for the odd weekend.
And yes, they will ultimately fly the nest and most likely barely look back, but imo that means I've done my job properly - when they're ready to go they'll go and but I wouldn't want them to feel forced out.

Original poster

ginorwine · 09/07/2017 13:17

My gut is to wait
I'm worried about stability for dc snd missing dear friends
However and amazing property was spotted by dh and it's in a small village where they don't cone up for sale often

OP posts:

Original poster

ginorwine · 09/07/2017 21:13

Thanks all
This seems a realy difficult decision to us
In part I want them to be able to return in the holidays - two years ds ,,three dd , but seeing a house in amazing spot is pulling dh massively . As for me I change my view hourly . !!! Will talk to ds
Dd away abroad .

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 09/07/2017 21:25

My parents moved 300 miles away when we were young adults. I was very sad about the family home going but was already away from home as were my 2 slightly older brothers.

My younger brother suffered most. He was 14 and for some reason he went to boarding school for 2 years so still knew nobody. Then he did local sixth form which was ok but not brilliant.

The long and the short of it was that non of us DC considered the new place to be remotely 'home' and just a place to visit. But for mum and dad it was a great move. They were still of working age ( early fifties) and really got settled into the community. One brother has settled in the area plus mums sister and dh so we now have a breach of family there.

You can't expect your DC to like the move and you will see less of them. Whether that's ok for you is your call. They may still hate the idea in 10 years.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 09/07/2017 21:53

Can you compromise and move after ds has left uni (presuming it's a 3yr course?) I don't think he could argue with that.

Xmasbaby11 · 09/07/2017 22:01

I wouldn't do it personally. I'd wait for a few years when it'll affect your son's life less.

Original poster

ginorwine · 09/07/2017 22:16

I do agree that it may affect him
However my dh has just pointed out that his tenancy will be for 11 months in his second year house - he may or may not come home ... however I guess he wd like the choice
He is a real home body
The truth is he is such a positive and happy young man and a delight and I'm afraid of upsetting his lovely life ! And it is making me feel selfish when we could wait

It would be odd stuck here - we have buyer desp for our house - if he wasn't even here but I guess it's psychological rather than anything that a young person knows they can come home abd what that entails Seeing pals etc xx

OP posts:

mikeyssister · 09/07/2017 22:37

How far away would you be moving

ThunderAndFrightening · 09/07/2017 22:50

My parents moved away whilst I was at uni. I don't resent them for it, they needed to do it. But it immediately made any visits, just that visits, I was no longer 'going home' for the holidays and I started to stay where I was at uni more and more. This may have happened anyway, but not being able to meet friends or find work whilst staying with them did change things, and once my stuff was packed up it didn't get unpacked in their house. It was never my home. having said that he is an adult and it depends how much he needs the stability of the family home and whether you can create that for him in other ways.

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