Mum gave DD a dummy..

[alicelake]

So my mum had dd for tea last night while me and dh went out for tea, which I was very grateful for, however DD hasn't had a dummy for over a year, yet when I got to my mums to pick her up at 730 she had one and Mum said 'don't be cross she was just so tired' (didn't even know she had a dummy in the house!) I took it off her and obviously she wailed and my mum called me mean mummy! I said well it makes it very difficult for us as we don't use them. Then as we were leaving Mum started crying like I'd been really harsh?! This isn't the first time it's happened, but assumed she didn't have the dummy's anymore. And I usually bite my tongue when she goes against my wishes but this just really grated on me. Sorry for rant!

Is she always that hard work?!

Yes- hence the fact I never say anything cos it just makes for an easier life! But last night I'd had enough

How old is your dd? Your parents ought to respect things like this. I'd probably not leave dd with them if they're going to go against your wishes. I'm quite relaxed so what she wears or eats wouldn't be a big issue. But the dummy would be.

Oh hell no. That 'don't be cross with me' shit doesn't fly either. She has to respect your parenting decisions. I used a dummy with one child and it's hellish to get them off it - wtf was she thinking? All she's done is be cruel to your dc, not you, making her want her dummy again after a year without it.
Not the first time she's done it? I assume you've made it clear what your boundaries are?

I think you need to stop biting your tongue - she sounds very manipulative and clearly thinks she can get away with it!

You need to have word with your mum about not undermining you. I don't know what it is about grandparents. Both my mum and mil have a complete inability to say no to my dd. Mil refuses point black to ever tell her off and gives me the cats bum face look if I do. Drives me potty.

DD will be 4 in November. So she understands and since the day we stopped giving her a dummy she didn't even ask for one, she just says 'I'm a big girl now' I'm usually quite lenient when it comes to little things, but this really annoyed me.

I know I'm biased, but DD is never a pain, even when tired. She'd have been happy with a glass of milk and watching my little pony if she was really that tired. Mum knows these boundaries, I've always been clear on it

Oh god your mun sounds a complete Drama Llamha has she always been like that? Just catch her on your own say mum Dd is off her dummy she is x age don't give her it again. My mil was emotionally manipulative she would weep and wail over everything if your mun has always been like this then you have my sympathies it is bloody exhausting.

I'd have been furious. I hope you took the dummy with you so you could chuck it so she didn't have it around to give her again.

This smacks to me that for whatever reason she couldn't calm / settle your DD and panicked and resorted to the dummy. Is this likely? How confident is she looking after your DD alone?

Ah she is 3 yeah tell your mum she is a big girl now.

So she knows them and ignores them. I know childcare is difficult, I really do, but if she can't respect your parenting decisions, is she the best choice for babysitting?
Also, apologies, I've been watching a lot of 'my name is earl' of late, hence the 'oh hell no!' response

Have I read the OP wrong since no one has mentioned it? Your mum was crying? That's just stinks of manipulation and emotional abuse. Does she always turn on the tears when she doesn't get her own way? Is pulled up on things?

Oh yes she's always been like it. Any confrontation and she cries and makes you feel mean. I did shove it in my back pocket, it's gone in the bin. DD is never unsettled to the point of not being able to console, I can't remember the last time she cried cos she was tired, she's very easy going and very easy to look after. Only reason I can think she would give it would be off her own back, wanted to be the good guy??

Your mum either thinks she is still a baby or as you say wants to be the good guy so she can be grannys girl it is like granny sneaking sweets or letting them stay up later iyswim.

What is it with people and crying? I hardly ever cry - I get upset, annoyed, sad etc but don't cry. My sister otoh, is frequently on the phone to me, weeping. However, she is not manipulative, but it sounds like OP's mum is. Be firm - it's YOUR DD.

Your dad is four and hasn't had a dummy for a year. Way out of order!

Do you think she has been using it at her house during this time without you knowing?

Dd, not dad!

My niece had a dummy at night at mils until she was 9 I was mortified when I found out. Her parents didn't know. Yanbu.

She did it once not long after we stopped using dummy. She claimed she thought she was still having it when she was upset, so I let it slide but made it clear that she wasn't having it. Now if she's had it all that time I suspect this isn't the first! Just so infuriating feeling like your own parents don't let you parent

Mum said 'don't be cross she was just so tired'

She knew you wouldn't want her to do this, because she said "don't be cross".

my mum called me mean mummy!

She did this when you enforced your boundaries. She did this in front of your child. That's manipulative on two accounts.

Then as we were leaving Mum started crying like I'd been really harsh?!

She could tell you were cross (rightly so) and this was a Manipulation Of Last Resort. Don't fall for it.

And I usually bite my tongue when she goes against my wishes but this just really grated on me.

You bite your tongue because you know she'll kick off when you don't. And that means she gets away with all sorts.

Stop biting your tongue around her. Start speaking up. You don't need to be rude, but you do need to start making your boundaries and your feelings clear. Tell her, briefly, what she's done that is unreasonable, and how you expect things to happen in future. Don't get drawn into discussions of why she did these things, or of how unreasonable you're being: just be clear, set the limits, and move on.

If she can't cope with that, then walk away for a while. She will either learn to be better, or she will ramp up her bad behaviours.

It sounds to me as if your Mum was just completely exhausted.

Your mum way way out of order, she should respect your wishes and boundaries.

I would seriously consider whether leaving your DD in her care again is a good idea.

I think YABU, the dummy was a one off and your mum was doing you a favour by babysitting. It's not like you were in the middle of dummy- weaning and your mum undermined you.

If my mum had done this I would have been a bit surprised but not angry. The dummy isn't harmful in any way so I don't see why you were so cross. Grandparents have different ways of doing things.