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Aibu to want to move house?

23 replies

Spottyparrot99 · 06/07/2017 22:01

Me and dh live in a small town near a big city with our 2 dc. Let's call it Townsville. My dh has lived here all his life. His parents live here and he is an only child. Most of his friends have moved away now though. We met here. My parents live in a small town near another big city about 2 hours away. Let's call it cityvale.
Townsville and cityvale are very similar in house prices and job prospects and schools.
I want to move nearer to cityvale Because my dad is suffering from a incurable degenerative neurological disease. It is terminal. He is already significantly disabled by this and it will only get worse. My mum is his sole carer. As dad cannot travel any more they cannot visit us. I try to visit them as much as possible and take the kids too so they can see them as well. But my mum needs more help and I am desperate to spend more time with them before dad dies. I want dad to have more time with the kids. I want to be able to spend time round there to give mum a break, help her get dad to appointments, just support her and give her the chance to regular grandma stuff she currently doesn't get to do whilst the kids are little ( just stuff like taking them to the park, riding bikes etc).
Dh refuses to consider moving. At all. Not to cityvale. Not half way between.
He doesn't want to.
He doesn't think we'll get another mortgage if we sell and try to move- as I'm not working. He doesn't want to rent out place and for us to rent near cityvale as it's "too risky" and the morgage doesn't allow us to do that.
He says he'll be miserable if he has to live far from his parents and the kids will miss his parents and the kids will miss them too- but he obviously feels it is acceptable for me to be missing my parents and for my parents not seeing the kids as much.
He says the kids are settled here- but only one is at school and she'll need to move schools in a year to go to juniors anyway.
He said he never want a to move away from his parents. Ever. This makes me sad as I feel I will never get a say in where I live. I asked what if his parent decide to move- he got cross and said they'd never do that to him.
He said we've got it good here as his parents do free child care. But other family manage with out don't they?
His parents are healthy and could easily travel between the two towns- so it's not like we wouldn't see them
He said we've settled in Townsville- but really it's me that's made
All the effort making local friend and joining clubs etc. His old friends are
Scattered all over the place and he hasn't really made any new ones here.
Am I being an unreasonable bitch to ask him to move? I am desperately sad about my dad and worried for my mum.
SP x

OP posts:

Tapandgo · 06/07/2017 22:18

It's too weird - he married you not his parents and marriage has to be about compromise. Is he this selfish re other matters?


Bluntness100 · 06/07/2017 22:22

It's not about being unreasonable or a bitch. I doubt you can force him, he simply won't move.

There is a lot of people like this, ones who simply will never leave the town they grew up in. I can't understand it but do recognise it and I think you will have to accept it, as unfair as it is.


Spottyparrot99 · 06/07/2017 22:25

When we first got together he talked about how much he'd live to travel
Or work abroad for a spell. Guess that was all bs.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 06/07/2017 22:30

More just a day dream op...,plus prob trying to impress you. It's not a great chat up line "I want to live near me mum and dad forever"


HipsterHunter · 06/07/2017 22:32

It's not a great chat up line "I want to live near me mum and dad forever"



HundredMilesAnHour · 06/07/2017 22:37

He does sound pretty unreasonable but some people are like your DH, they just want to stay where they grew up and never leave. I have a lot of friends from my childhood like that. Unfortunately you've pandered to him by letting him have it all his own way so trying to get him to compromise now is going to be pretty tough.

I feel very sad for you as I don't think you're asking for anything unreasonable at all. I guess it depends how far you're willing to push it. I've never been the "stay near home" type so I'm in no position to give advice as I'm the last sort of person someone like your DH would get involved with - and if they did, I'd have throttled them or moved them to Australia within a month Wink


Patriciathestripper1 · 06/07/2017 22:38

Yes I think he is being incredibly selfish given your family circumstances and the short time your father has left.
This would be a bit of a deal breaker for me actually.
Your parents really need you now, by the sound of it.


Dogsmom · 06/07/2017 22:54

I can see it from both sides, I'm in your dh's position as I've lived in the same small town all my life and my parents have always been in the same town too although it's only Mum now, dh's parents live 30 minutes away and there's no way I'd move to be near them.

However if I was in your position I'd
absolutely want to move, especially as your Dad is so poorly, you'd regret not moving there but you'd never regret doing it.
Once he's gone he's gone and you'll be bitter with your dh for depriving you the time with him.
Plus once your Dad has died your Mom will need support.

If it were me I'd tell dh that we're moving like it or not and maybe compromise on moving halfway, would it be possible for you to move into your parents house with the dc?


MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 06/07/2017 23:01

YANBU. Why should he get the final say because he won't cut the bloody apron strings? He needs to grow up and realise he is a married man with his own family. Moving even halfway would be a great compromise. An hour is nothing to visit people. His parents can travel to you, yours can't and you have very valid reasons for wanting to spend more time with them.

If he point blank refuses and you lose this time with your dad and your mum is then left alone, will you end up resenting him? I think I would...


Tapandgo · 06/07/2017 23:37

Totally agree with mypatron.
There is a huge red flag in this relationship. If he can't compromise on his own selfish wants in your hour of need, he will compromise on nothing.
Deal breaker for me.


Spottyparrot99 · 07/07/2017 08:24

Thanks everyone. I feel so conflicted and sad. I don't know what to do still - but good to get some outside perspective on it. SP x

OP posts:

Wawawaa · 07/07/2017 08:53

YANBU. It's not fair of him to make you live near his parents forever and not have an input. I'm in a similar boat. My DP lives in a small town with a hugely expensive commute to work and refused to leave his parents. I have had to give up my job and move to them. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the twilight zone and his mum is his true love and I'm the OW. (Not helped by his co stant buying of romantic gifts for his mum -
none for me - and the fact that I'm usually excluded from invites to their house). If his parents are clinging on to him, maybe talk directly to them and ask them if they are prepared to move to where you want. At least then they will have more awareness and might even be able to talk some sense into their son. Anyway, nothing is permanent, maybe ask him to try it out for a year or two so it doesnt seem as monumental a move for him.


Ifailed · 07/07/2017 08:59

I'm afraid you've made a mistake marrying this man. Given that, You need to consider your options; you could just accept it and slowly die from within as resentment takes its toll, or have it out with him and see just how committed he is to you and his children. You maybe lucky and be the 1% where their partner takes a long hard look and realise they've been wrong.


contortionist · 07/07/2017 09:04

How long is your dad likely to live with your mum for? If he's going to have to move into a care home in 12 months time anyway, then moving house probably doesn't make much sense.


worridmum · 07/07/2017 09:05

But why should he upsticks and move just for the op its just a distince would require new job etc its such a massive upheaval i for one would not like to give up my current job and all my friends to move two hours away as i know i will not get as good a job that i currently have


Sofabitch · 07/07/2017 09:09

Moving is a huge expense.

Maybe he can move in with his mum and dad when you leave him and he has to sell regardless


MrsQuim · 07/07/2017 09:10

In the short term get your mil to look after the kids whilst you spend time with your family?


rightwhine · 07/07/2017 09:21

Tbh you met him in that town and agreed to settle there. I can understand you wanting the move but I can understand dh too. I am in similar circumstances without the illness, but my life is here, dh agreed to live here when we meet and I really wouldn't want to move.

Could they move closer to you? Can you go for a couple of nights each week with the younger dc, while dh and the in-laws cope with the school age child? How long is this situation likely to last? What happens if dh moves then his parents become ill?

Yanbu to want to move but then neither is dh to want to stay.


Troels · 07/07/2017 10:03

I'd pack the kids up each friday after scool and go to Mums to help with Dad and get back in time for bed each Sunday.
What a baby your Dh is.
Solution would be to rent the house out and rent another near your Mum for the forseable future so you can help with Dad. Then re evaluate when your Dad passes. Maybe then go back to his hometown and your Mum could come to.


Troels · 07/07/2017 10:04

school even


Spottyparrot99 · 07/07/2017 12:31

It is tricky- thank you for all your responses. I know if it was one of his parents terminally I'll I would do what ever to help him. I feel hurt he won't do the same for me.
I don't really know how long dad has. His illness is very rare- and usually people die from complication like aspiration pneumonia or choking to death or chest infections. So it could be years or months or days. So that does make moving a lot harder as I guess he could have already died by the time we got it sorted.
I am worried though what will happen as the kids grow up. What if one is talented and would benfit from specialist tuition training etc that would necessitate a move? Would he be prepared to move for them if not me?
I am worried I will resent him in time.

OP posts:

Spottyparrot99 · 07/07/2017 12:33

I did agree to live here. That is true- but I didn't know I was agreeing for ever! I though we would make decisions as a family as time went on. I didn't know if was permanent location and I'd never be allowed to move Sad

OP posts:

rightwhine · 07/07/2017 13:10

I'd try to find a compromise of spending a few nights each week there if you can. I can understand DH not wanting to move but he should be compensating by helping to make it easy for you to spend a couple of nights away each week.

Perhaps one weekend per month visiting with both kids and DH, one weekend on your own and two mid week visits with your youngest child with DH and MIL looking after the school age child.
Would he support you by agreeing to this?

He can't have it all ways.

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