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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step-son itinerary

43 replies

WottyMcWottFace · 06/07/2017 20:29

Stepson (8y) comes to our house alternate weekends. It's been this way as per court ruling in 2011 as his mother denied access to dh when first born, dh and mother were never in a relationship and dss was a 'surprise' before dh and I were together.

Dh and I have since had 3 children of our own. Recently every weekend that we have dss he comes with an itinerary of clubs, outings, parties and prearranged play dates to attend. our weekends are no more than glorified taxi drivers. When dh questioned dss mother she turns and says if we don't like it we can't see him anymore! DH is really upset and annoyed but doesn't want the confrontation or to have to go back through the courts again. She's always been awkward but It feels like our family time together is purposely being 'booked up' by her with no consideration for what we as a family choose to do with all of the children. Aibu or is this just not normal behaviour?

OP posts:
HipsterHunter · 06/07/2017 20:32

tinerary of clubs, outings, parties and prearranged play dates

Clubs - probably yes, you can't just drop in and out of football for example.

Parties - yes.

Play dates - no.

Outings - no.

Secretsweets · 06/07/2017 20:36

His sounds like a friend of mine, has his kids every other weekend, fri-sun, but the kids mother has put them in clubs and sports both days so he can't arrange anything himself and often has to stay somewhere near their house rather than bring them back to his.

The father should decide what the child does when it's his time with them, too many mothers think it is their god given right to make every decision for the child without taking the father or his family into consideration. And it's sheer blackmail to say if you don't like it you can't see him anymore. I'd ignore her itinerary !

Sushi123 · 06/07/2017 20:37

Sounds like parenting - he can't give up his activities just cos it's your weekend...is he doing all this stuff on the weekend he's with his mum?

LemonSqueezy0 · 06/07/2017 20:37

It's not normal behaviour, she's being controlling. He will have some social activities, especially as he gets older but that would be friend's parties or clubs he really wants to do (to an extent) - if she's (over) booking things in to be disruptive, then that's not on. If she's facilitating his friendships then you will need to find a way to make it work so it's not taking away time you spend as a family all the time. If she won't listen to reason, would a solicitors letter help start the communications and draw some boundaries etc?

HipsterHunter · 06/07/2017 20:38

he father should decide what the child does when it's his time with them

But you have access for the child's sake really? So would you say "nah son, you can't go to football on your weekends with me"?

SmitheringSmithison · 06/07/2017 20:38

As above, clubs and parties I'd happily take him to, anything else no can do she can arrange them on her own time.

stella23 · 06/07/2017 20:39

Don't think he should miss out on clubs and parties, do the other 3 children do clubs and go to parties, are they expected to miss out?

I'm a taxi driver to my children

AyeAmarok · 06/07/2017 20:39

The clubs and children's parties are fair enough. No, it's not fun being a taxi driver, but that's life with children.

The play dates, these should be discussed with your DH first, probably.

Outings, do you mean your DSS goes out with other people? Or your DH?

Glumglowworm · 06/07/2017 20:39

Clubs and parties are reasonable, he shouldn't be penalised for his parents not being together, you and DH should facilitate these as much as possible.

Play dates and outings not so much. His mum has 12 days a fortnight to arrange things, it's not much to ask to not plan regular things like this for the 2 days a fortnight he's at his dads.

However, if you and DH are the ones that stop him doing these things, you'll be seen as the bad guys, which is what his mum wants. So there's no easy answer unfortunately.

ludothedog · 06/07/2017 20:39

It's called parenting! That's what weekends are like with an 8 year old.

I assume that clubs are something that your DSS wants to do as with birthday parties. I think that it's you that should be organising the playdates and not DSS's mother. that does sound a bit strange.

UnicornSparkles1 · 06/07/2017 20:39

What Hipster said

sunnydalegottobedone · 06/07/2017 20:40

Clubs yes, parties yes. It's not fair on the kid to miss out every other weekend. This gets harder as they get older. Football/sports are a classic one, if they don't play or take part each week they fall behind or can get kicked out. My DS bio dad used to kick up a massive stink re football on his weekends & the GF used to send snotty texts that it was cutting into their time. Fffs it was a couple of hours on a sat during the season. He could have taken him, but they couldn't be arsed.

Play dates - that's bonkers. And totally unreasonable.

Justhadmyhaircut · 06/07/2017 20:43

When my exh kept arranging stuff for dc the judge told him to stop making plans for them in my time. .
It's your call regarding parties /clubs in your time. .

Mrscaindingle · 06/07/2017 20:45

Children should not miss out on clubs and sports just because the parent who sees them every other weekend can't be arsed to ferry them to and from. The ideal scenario is that the parents agree the children's activities but if you are only seeing your kids every other weekend we are only talking about 4 days a month.

Newtothis2017 · 06/07/2017 20:48

I agree with p.p. clubs and parties is the norm for weekends with kids. Playdates and outings NO.

Madwoman5 · 06/07/2017 20:48

With all those clubs, outings, play dates etc it looks like she doesn't spend any time with him at the weekends. As dss if it is like this every weekend? If not and she won't listen, consider going to court and hope you get a judge like justhadmy had

Violetcharlotte · 06/07/2017 20:55

I think it's reasonable for him to do his clubs, as lots of things toy can only really do if you do it every weekend.

And birthday parties, again I think it's reasonable for him to be able to go to these (however ex should let you know first so you have the chance or say no if you have something special already arranged.

Play dates should be arranged for when he's with his Mum.

Pengggwn · 06/07/2017 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blossomdeary · 06/07/2017 21:03

Putting oneself in the place of the child, I am sure he would not want to miss out on the things that he enjoys, or he will resent having to go to his Dad's. It's a pain but I cannot see any way out of it.

Groupie123 · 06/07/2017 21:04

Clubs/parties - ok fair enough. But would suggest your DH mans up and cancels the playdates and outings on his weekends. If his ex threatens him then he should take her to court with evidence of her unreasonable behaviour.

LDN17 · 06/07/2017 21:09

Parties and activities- it's reasonable to expect your DH to take your dss to these on his weekends. Tbh your partner should want to take an interest in his hobbies.

Play dates- An entirely different story. His mum should arrange these for during her time only. Unless she asks your DH first and he agrees that it's ok. My dp had to look like the bad guy once because we had made plans one particular weekend but his ex had arranged a sleepover on his weekend. She's never done it again since.

BloodWorries · 06/07/2017 21:13

He could refuse to take DSS to anything on his weekends with him. That's the point of joint parenting being split.

If he stopped everything then I'd think he was a tosser (assuming DSS actually wants to do all these things). But he could limit these things. Tell DSS that he goes to the clubs he's interested in, that's a given. Birthday parties he needs to know about in advance so he can fit them in if possible. Similar with playdates but with more a fit them in if nothing better to do. Outings with who??? That bit confused me.
Pretty much parenting him as you would your other DC.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/07/2017 21:15

I don't think Yabu. She's being vindictive.

Why does every step-family scenario always end in tears!?

Janeismymiddlename · 06/07/2017 21:18

Parties and clubs you need to suck up. Why should a child miss out on these because their parents aren't together?

Play dates are more complex. Do you expect your own children to forgo play dates when your stepson is around? Does your husband not want to know his son's friends and their parents? It is no for mum to be arranging this stuff but it is reasonable that your husband develops his own relationship withiends and parents.,

GherkinSnatch · 06/07/2017 21:20

Clubs and parties - kind of fair enough. Playdates and outings, not unless organised between your DH and the other parents.

I'm not sure I agree that "That's just parenting" though. DH and I are agreed that any clubs DS wants to go to (DD too young still) will be predominantly on weeknights. The occasional weekend thing, fair enough, but no regular weekend commitment. We also don't to organise play dates for the weekend either, unless it's with children of friends of ours who we're making plans with as two families.

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