Step-son itinerary

[WottyMcWottFace]

Stepson (8y) comes to our house alternate weekends. It's been this way as per court ruling in 2011 as his mother denied access to dh when first born, dh and mother were never in a relationship and dss was a 'surprise' before dh and I were together.

Dh and I have since had 3 children of our own. Recently every weekend that we have dss he comes with an itinerary of clubs, outings, parties and prearranged play dates to attend. our weekends are no more than glorified taxi drivers. When dh questioned dss mother she turns and says if we don't like it we can't see him anymore! DH is really upset and annoyed but doesn't want the confrontation or to have to go back through the courts again. She's always been awkward but It feels like our family time together is purposely being 'booked up' by her with no consideration for what we as a family choose to do with all of the children. Aibu or is this just not normal behaviour?

With clubs - can you get some of the younger ones involved as well - football at 9am on a Saturday is far less annoying if you can take several all at once.

With play dates - I wonder if you becoming BFFs with some of the school mums would suddenly reduce the enthusiasm for her in putting you in a situation where you can hang out with them....

Parties and clubs - please let these happen! My DS is older now but his Dad stood in the way of his football matches - they are taking my time!- so DS was always sub as it "wasnt fair on the other boys who put in the effort to come every week " . Not nice of the coach ( and we made that clear!) but I could never understand why ex saw something like that as taking up his time?! Why wouldn't you want to stand and cheer on your son?! Weird! DS is now resentful of his Dad because of it.

Play dates - barmy!! Unless there's more to the story? Is it really a play date or celebrating a special occasion?

Outings....... need more info on what you mean?!

it is that he may have to miss out because (one of) his parents have other children. He isn't a special case

Do the other 3 children miss out? Do they do their clubs and activities every other weekend? Do they not get to do stuff with their friends every other weekend?

You can't expect him to cancel clubs. How would he develop any skills etc? We bought a piano as we know DSS plays and needs to practice. We also signed him up to things he did back at home.

At 8 it's clubs and playdates, but give it another couple of years DSS will quite rightly want to spend his weekends with his friends and less with parents. It's a normal, healthy developmental process. How are you going to cope then?

In my limited experience this is when contact starts to get difficult and often stops, children stop fitting into NRP's plans, RP gets blamed for making things difficult/brainwashing child, when really the child just wants to do what most kids their age are doing and that's not always fitting around the adults plans. Sorry, I'm not explaining myself very well.

we are glorified taxi drivers

OP when your dc are that age you will realize that that is what parenting feels like!

Clubs and parties, fine. Perhaps the playdates can be arranged on the DM's time, but again if he is keen to go then that is fair enough. I think your DH needs to communicate a bit better with his EW

I bet they don't miss out Jane! In my DS's case he used to go and watch his siblings play for their team whilst being told going to play for his team was wasting time

Im with the majority. Clubs and parties he shouldnt miss out. However it should be discussed with your dh before anything is agreed. The odd playdate would be ok but again discussed with dh first. I have no idea what you mean by outings, is it places that dss wants to go, outings with other people.

My seven year old has always wanted to do ballet. All the ones near us are Saturday mornings only. When she's at her dads. He won't take her. She misses out and feels sad and it's not really fair on her.

You think your stepson should miss out on normal things like clubs and birthday parties just because his parents aren't together?

Wow. How nasty and cruel. Are you going to deny your own kids clubs etc when the time comes? Your partner has four children, not just three, and that needs to be recognised.

I agree with the majority, it is actually fair to expect your DH to suck it up and just play taxi when it is for his son to go to his friend's birthday parties or a sport or hobby which he really wants to attend.

But having him constantly booked up for play dates and random outings which could feasibly be done another time is not on, and from previous dealings with her sounds as if it is being done deliberately to spite your DH and reduce the time he can spend with his son.

How does your stepson feel in all this? Does he want to spend time with his dad? Or does he actually enjoy spending the whole weekend being ferried about to all the things his mother arranges?

suspect they do miss out on some stuff so their siblings can do other stuff. That's what families do

Thanks for that, what with me having no idea about families.

The point is, the OP's children wouldn't be expected to only do their activities every other weekend. There is a world of difference between that and a family taking a decision that today we must all do A or go to B. And Imwould put my life on those other 3 children being allowed to have friends over or go to birthday parties or go to their friends house during weekends the step child is with them. Because that's precisely how it works in all the families I know.

I have the exact opposite of this, in that exP refuses to take our son to anything on his weekend.

Its kinda ok now, because at 6 I've managed to keep most of his activities to week days. But he is really into football and can see it won't be long before he wants to do Sunday league.

However its really sad when he gets a party invite and comes home all excited. His first question is always 'am I with you that weekend Mommy?' Because he knows full well his Dad won't take him. Its sad to see his disappointment if I say no, and do believe this sort of thing will build resentment as he gets older.

Depends how close the parents live surely? Our DSC know that if anything clubs, birthdays party's ect fall on our weekend with them they can't go as it would be a 3hr round trip