To expect my husband not to try and drag me around?

[Makkapakkaupsydaisy]

My husband does this and it's royally pissing me off.

I'm upstairs in my bedroom staying out of dhs way because he's annoyed me. I don't really want to go into hat it's about because it's something and nothing really, I'm tired and hungry and we had a minor disagreement over what time we'd do something and I felt he didn't want to hear my point of view.

He's making dinner and comes upstairs wanting to know what's wrong. I tell him there's no point discussing it again and to just leave me be, but he keeps on. So I try to explain I'm annoyed over the timing of said thing, because it's now messed up other things. He's very dismissive about it and asks me to come downstairs.

Because I won't go downstairs he tries to pull me off the bed by my arms or legs to drag me downstairs because I'm 'being stupid'.

He does this if I 'go in a mood' as he calls it. I don't like it one bit, it's like he's trying to over power me.

He's not an abusive person in my eyes but thinks this trying to pull me around is ok if he thinks I'm being stupid.

I don't know what you are looking for here.

You: he pulls me around
MN: he's abusive
You: he's not abusive, I was sulking
MN: yes he is, but sulking is annoying too, you both need to grow up
You: rant about aren't you allowed time to yourself, he's a knob, you don't need to grow up, why is it ok to pull you around?

What are you actually asking?

I do think in a way it is abusive.
Do abusive people mean to be abusive or is it just how they deal with situations/relationships?
I doubt your DP is thinking, OP walked off, I don't like that, I'm going to go abuse her by manhandling her and show her who's boss.

I would sit down to him at some point and talk to him about it, not whilst you are having an argument, or recovering from one, but at a point where you are both relaxed and able to talk about it.

Without making my long post much much longer, due to a number of issues in my past, combined with DP's personality (maybe mild ASD in the mix) and him not listen when I tried to talk about it, it went rather wrong for me and DP. He saw no issue with it, I had a bit of an anxiety attack and lashed out and it went to pot. Took a lot of work to get up back on track after that. I hope you have much better success with it.

Sorry I don't know if I should have used the word sulking. I suppose on reflection I don't feel I was sulking, but getting away from a situation that could boil over.

We'd disagreed, I wasn't happy about it still, dh wanting to know what's wrong but not really wanting to know because as far as he was concerned I was talking rubbish. Kids were moaning, dh getting drawn into it arguing over veg, everyone no doubt tired and hungry, I had a bad headache. Btw I did tell kids to zip it but I feel dh gets into too much bickering with them before it's even ready. Whereas I'd just say "we're having veg with dinner, it's not up for discussion, if you don't eat it it's your loss because it's good for you".

Rightly or wrongly I needed some breathing space, I'd have left it at that and possibly discussed it calmly in the evening. Instead dh seemed to want to get into an argument over whether or not the weather will have cooled down by the evening.

90% of the time we're all fine and happy. I can't stand this trying to drag me. I'd like to say I'll reflect on whether I do in fact sulk, but unfortunately there are times when I really just find it impossible to communicate with dh and that is my coping mechanism.

He is absolutely abusive.

The two of you have a disagreement and he won't listen to your point of view and is dismissive of your opinions and feelings. As far as he was concerned, I was talking rubbish You realise that you aren't going to get anywhere, and rather than have a full-scale row in front of your dc's you take yourself out of the situation and go off to calm down.

Then, not only does he come upstairs and tell you that you are being stupid, he physically dominates you and tries to literally drag you back downstairs against your will.

That is definitely abuse.

Autofillcontact - of course people behave badly on occasion in relationships, and of course this is normal 'within reason'.

It is not reasonable to use your size and strength to dominate someone and drag them about. Not in any circumstances or at any time (unless you were trying to drag them away from danger, I suppose).

For what it's worth, I don't think the op is overreacting to this; I think she's under reacting.

You can't cope with his behaviour?
He doesn't listen?
You need time out?
He physically abuses you?
Why are you staying? It all sounds like an intense and unhealthy relationship. Adults can disagree. But they use their words and discuss issues. They resolve them. Not hide in a bedroom and sulk or bodily drag someone around.

Once you say to someone quite clearly, "Don't do that, I do not like it" WRT your own body, and they continue to do it, it is abusive. It doesn't matter whether they try to pretend they are being funny.

I have RTFT and I completely agree with this.

Threaten to have him arrested for assault. That might shake him into seeing how bad what he's doing is.

I'm not sure it's abuse ... was it 'jokey' and trying to lighten the mood/ get you to laugh?
I'm fully expecting to get flamed for this but I'm just trying to be devils advocate.
Was he angry or did he hurt you?

SomeOther Whether or not he intended it to be 'jokey', 'lighten the mood', or 'get OP to laugh' is completely irrelevant. Once someone says 'Stop that, I don't like it' and the other person does not stop, their behaviour has now become abusive.

It also doesn't matter whether or not he was angry and it certainly doesn't matter if what he did 'hurt her' or not. He put hands on her, she told him to get them off, he carried on. That's enough.

Was he angry or did he hurt you? It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is the OP's body belongs to her and she makes all the decisions about it. All of them, no exceptions.

I don't understand how the concept of bodily autonomy has escaped people.

What does he say when you talk about it? And what happens during? Does he just drag you back, with the kids watching, while you're struggling and telling him no?

Reading between the lines, was he trying to get you to come and eat the dinner he'd cooked and you were refusing to leave the bedroom and join them? Were the kids sitting at the table waiting?

It's never okay to physically manhandle a person. He should have taken the higher ground and brought the dinner to you in bed. That way he looks morally superior and you look like a childish sulker in front of your kids. He got it wrong.

When he's manhandled you before has it been in a similar situation?

People who sulk are profoundly irritating. If the sulker says "I'm going upstairs for some breathing space, please don't come and disturb me" it makes it a bit more understandable for those of us who don't sulk.

People who make arrangements with no regard for the impact they might have on other arrangements are also profoundly irritating. DP used to do this a lot, because he has a crap memory and won't use a diary or calendar. He consults me now before committing to anything, because he got tired of making the phone call that starts "I'm really sorry, I know I said we'd ...".

Manhandling you IS abuse, pure and simple. Passing abuse off as play or a joke is a common ploy used by abusers to make the victim feel that their reaction is unjustified and that the abusive act is harmless. It is a gaslighting tactic.

If you don't like it, if it makes you feel you afraid or uncomfortable, you MUST tell him and it MUST stop.

I'm getting a picture of a man who is quite unpleasant and disrespectful - doesn't listen to reason and pulls you around in the guise of play - and think that you need to either LTB or get counselling.

But YANBU, no way.