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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to feel bad for someone who is totally happy?

35 replies

Hapaxlegomenon · 06/07/2017 14:55

I love my brother a lot, but I've noticed that he's not very socially capable. He's very over confident, and doesn't adapt his approach at all for different audiences like most people do. This means that some people think he's a great lad but I get the impression that some people think he's an absolute dick. He is very thick skinned and doesn't notice this himself as far as I know. I feel sad about it and feel on edge when I'm around him and other people. I feel really protective over him but also embarrassed by him. Aibu to be so oversensitive on behalf of someone else or do other people feel like this too?

OP posts:

FinallyThroughTheRoof · 06/07/2017 14:56

I see what you mean..my DD has ASD. She is super happy and doesn't see people giving her funny looks. But i do and it hurts.

However her being happy is the main thing.

MrsExpo · 06/07/2017 15:09

How old is he? If you're both adults then maybe a quiet word about toning it down a bit in certain company might not go amiss. No need to go as far as to say you're embarrassed by his behaviour sometimes, but maybe just put the idea in his head that some people find his over confident approach a bit too much. Social skills are learned and developed over time.

MrsOverTheRoad · 06/07/2017 15:14

I know people like this. It's hard if you love them but there's not much you can do about it.

SleightOfHand · 06/07/2017 15:36

Who cares what randoms think.

Madbum · 06/07/2017 15:41

Sounds like he's being himself and some people don't like him, that's true for everyone though.
Sounds like it's your problem to be honest, it's a bit controlling of you to try and change him.

Original poster

Hapaxlegomenon · 06/07/2017 15:47

madbum I'm not trying to change him, I just feel this way, and would like not to

OP posts:

5moreminutes · 06/07/2017 15:49

I think it sounds as though you feel embarrassed on your own account and worried it will reflect on you, and are telling yourself you are sad for him because that feels like a worthier emotion, tbh. Its a fairly natural thing to do.

It doesn't sound as though he needs your sadness or pity, but I guess you can't help finding his lack of social skills embarrassing if you do! Not much you can do - if he's happy and some people think he's great then that's great. Telling him you are sad for him will only make him sad too, or be water off a ducks back...

Original poster

Hapaxlegomenon · 06/07/2017 15:51

mrs he's 24 but he's unfortunately not receptive to advice from anyone. My mum has occasionally tried to give him kind advice but because he thinks he's very smart he doesn't take it in.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2017 15:51

My DBro is completely different to me. It took until my 20s to realise that he's OK how he is. Happy and that's what I want for him.

So what if some people think he's a dick. Some people think I'm an arsehole. It takes all sorts.

Tofutti · 06/07/2017 15:55

I was just reading another thread and liked this post by @CosmoClock

'I'm also wary of being ''too'' myself, so I put a seat belt on my personality. Not sure why, I know I fall within the parametres of normal! So really if somebody took a dislike to me rationally I know that that is unusual enough not to matter, or their issue. I am not brave enough to risk being marmite, and perhaps there's a hesitancy in that that others feel.'

It sounds like your DB is brave enough to risk being Marmite

picklemepopcorn · 06/07/2017 15:56

It's difficult sometimes. My DH has a much broader and varied life because he married me. Otherwise he would be like his elder brother, single, no social life, very routine bound. DS is 21, and like his dad and uncle. DH would prefer him to find a partner and be dragged out of isolation, but DB is happy as he is and maybe DS would be too.

pigsDOfly · 06/07/2017 15:57

If he's happy and not being unkind or hurting anyone with his unawareness, then good for him.

Much better than being terrified to open your mouth or interact with others because of the fear of what others might think of you.

Don't be sad or embarrassed for him, celebrate his difference.

Original poster

Hapaxlegomenon · 06/07/2017 15:58

I'll give an example, he has a good pakistani friend who refers to himself as a paki. I heard him refer to his friend as a paki (not in the presence of the friend) and said 'that word might offend some people, you might not want to use that in X situation', and he would reply 'why? That's what he calls himself?! Plus anyone who knows me knows what kind of guy I am so it doesn't worry me'. That's the sort of thing I worry he's going to get punched in the face over. He's too literal and doesn't understand social subtleties.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hapaxlegomenon · 06/07/2017 16:00

pigs that's a very nice post, I will try and do that. Thank you

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2017 16:01

'My brother is racist' would have been a very different aibu.

Tofutti · 06/07/2017 16:01

Yes, you are absolutely right to call him out for using terms. Would he say 'Paki' at his workplace too? Or just among friends?

The reason I ask is that if can control himself and his use of words at work then he should be able to do the same on his personal life.

pigsDOfly · 06/07/2017 16:02

Ah, yes that's not so good.

Tofutti · 06/07/2017 16:02

*for using racist terms

Original poster

Hapaxlegomenon · 06/07/2017 16:02

tofu that's a good point, much better to let him be confident in himself than to stifle him.

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Tofutti · 06/07/2017 16:03

'My brother is racist' would have been a very different aibu.

Yes!

Maudlinmaud · 06/07/2017 16:04

If he gets punched he'll learn. He sounds confident and happy though, happiness is the main thing isn't it? If he starts losing friends and people avoid his company because of his use of language, again he might learn to dial it down.

Original poster

Hapaxlegomenon · 06/07/2017 16:05

mrsterry he's not racist. He's just not very bright so he wouldn't know that he might come across as racist by using the same term as a friend used to describe themselves. He would never assume someone would think he was racist because he isn't, if you know what I mean.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hapaxlegomenon · 06/07/2017 16:07

tofu his friend is actually a colleague. He's a labourer, and behaves exactly the same at work or at home.

OP posts:

CosmoClock · 06/07/2017 16:08

and tofutti the unbelievable thing is that MY BROTHER is exactly like hapaxlegomenons brother! I clicked on this because it piqued my interest. The last time I saw my brother he was shouting/talking loudly at me that I was a hippy. That was because I wasn't totally against a member of our family taking the least aggressive of two treatment options. So I was called a hippy His hubris is a force field. He is very successful in his field which has given him a lot of money and confidence. He has a right to be confident I know but he has no insight, no self-awareness, he never examines his own behaviour. The last time I saw him I left my parents' house because I wasn't enjoying being accused of being a hippy. I quoted Steve Jobs in an argument against his own and he accused me of deliberately trying to wind him up but I had thought that maybe he'd respect Steve Jobs more than he respected me! Anyway, it's interesting that growing up around a very domineering, always right never wrong, big ego can leave The Sister of the family a bit hesitant to express a need and be herself. A hesitancy that other people pick up on I feel.

Tofutti · 06/07/2017 16:10

I see. Do you know his friend? Maybe he could have a word?

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