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To set boundaries now? Homeless relative moving in today.

70 replies

AlltheGinJoints · 06/07/2017 06:53

First post after a long time lurking so please be kind.

My DB will be arriving later today with all his worldly goods after losing his rented home due to the LL wanting to sell up. DB has had four months notice of this and the builders are arriving at the weekend to rip out the bathroom and kitchen so he has no choice really but to finally leave.

He has made some attempts to get a council house and a private rental but they've come to nothing, council house because as a single male he's not exactly at the top of a waiting list and private rental because he hasn't got a deposit.

I'm happy obviously to help him out and I'm looking forward to seeing him but I've heard so many stories of how situations like this can start off lovely and then go horribly wrong.

For background DB has a bit of a rep for being on the tight/thoughtless side of things, e.g. If we've popped out to the local for meal he'll happily sit there and not offer to pay his share, leaving me or DH to pick up the whole bill.

I need direction from you wise mumsnetters please. I'm going to have to broach the subject of his contribution to the food shop etc but more importantly he can be on the irritating end of the scale and I want to gently give him some house rules now before I get cross. I also need to ask him the 'how long' question.....

AIBU by thinking about boundaries now or do I need to woman up?

OP posts:
Leilaniii · 07/07/2017 10:22

DB has a bit of a rep for being on the tight/thoughtless side of things.

Oh dear. I hear alarm bells going off. Yes, you definitely need some boundaries. In fact, can't you just lend him the deposit? Might be cheaper in the long run if he's just gonna ponce off you for months anyway...?

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 07/07/2017 10:37

You are very kind op.

Are you the older sibling? I only ask as it sounds like you have taken on the role of carer.

Four months really is taking the piss. Even if he wasn't a grown adult in his mid forties.

I totally get where you're coming from about not wanting to leave him in the lurch as you're comfortable. But that's my main point from earlier. You're comfortable because you've saved. Probably gone without some luxuries so you can get yourself sorted. He is in arrears. Quit his job. And in his mid forties doesn't have enough money to get a deposit together. That's his choice. His life. These things haven't just happened to him. He made decisions that have led him to where he is now.

And that's why he's where he is. And you're where you are

By all means help him. I know I would. But be very very careful. I think he already sees you as his get out clause.

AlltheGinJoints · 07/07/2017 12:23

Leilandiii lending him the deposit is the obvious and fastest route out of this, I can see it coming to that tbh. I've thought about this but I'm stubborn like that and I'm holding off for now. We've 'lent' him money before and I'm sure you can guess what happened there. A while back we told him 'no more' 'loans'. Now he would have to ask us to 'give' him the ££ but I'm sure he's too worried about our reaction to do that.

Provider thank you, its family at the end of the day.

Love cakes no, no explanation, he was a bit taken aback that I was cross he'd rocked up with no job and things were a bit tense for a while, he was hot, tired and fractious from the move so I left it.

I'm the younger, more sensible sibling actually. I'm hoping my 'caring' does not morph into rescuing. I felt a bit sorry for him tbh a few months ago when he said he worried about being on his own, getting ill and having no one to him to look after him.

He's been in town at the agencies for a while now, I've not heard anything from him yet but he should be due back soon. No news is good news, right?

OP posts:
EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 07/07/2017 12:51

He may be avoiding letting agencies for various reasons. One is that many of them charge up-front, non-refundable fees (though that is due to be banned soon, I think), but another is that they do credit checks and ask for references (previous landlords etc). Maybe he has debts you don't know about which mean he would fail a credit check, or had a falling-out with his previous landlord which would make it difficult to get a reference.

Yes. Getting the tenancy for my new flat involved producing 3 bank statements, 3 payslips & contact details for my previous landlord, my line manager & someone else who'd known me for a while so they could check references.

You / he might actually be better looking on sites like It would all be shared houses but he'd probably have a chance of finding someone who wasn't bothered about references or credit checks, although that comes with its own risks.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 07/07/2017 12:54

Leilandiii lending him the deposit is the obvious and fastest route out of this, I can see it coming to that tbh. I've thought about this but I'm stubborn like that and I'm holding off for now.

Have you also thought about what you're going to say if he asks you about being a guarantor?

provider5sectorzz9 · 07/07/2017 12:55

I felt a bit sorry for him tbh a few months ago when he said he worried about being on his own, getting ill and having no one to him to look after him
A skilled manipulator would know exactly which buttons to press and how hard to press them.

hot, tired and fractious
Ought he not to be just profoundly grateful to that you've taken him in tip toeing around and anxious to please?
Letting his irritation show at your entirely reasonable objection to ditching his job would ring alarm bells for me.
He has jettisoned his means of supporting himself financially and thrown himself on your mercy....perhaps?

provider5sectorzz9 · 07/07/2017 12:58

A room in a shared house where people will hold him accountable and expect him to pay and do his share vs the charity of his sensible and sucessfull sibling who has heart stings which he knows how to play

provider5sectorzz9 · 07/07/2017 13:08

I'd worry that he is preparing the ground for a situation where he's ill and needs you to look after him.

Had you not been available to take him in he'd have found a place to live, instead he let things slide until he could present you with a choice of either taking him in or seeing him homeless

That's how it looks to me anyway

NanooCov · 07/07/2017 13:08

Good luck. Though I have a sneaking suspicion you'll get back from hols and the house will be a tip and he'll still be jobless and no further forward.

provider5sectorzz9 · 07/07/2017 13:15

I'm not meaning to criticise at all OP, i can see you're between a rock and a hard place!

HipsterHunter · 07/07/2017 13:29

He clearly can;t afford a flat - he should look at getting lodgings in someones elses house.

Although he doesn't sound exactly like the ideal kind of person most people want as their lodger.

Why is he in this situation? MH issues? Personality?

Hissy · 07/07/2017 13:31

TBH, not wanting to pile on the shite, but you and your H are utter NUTTERS taking this on.

he has been way less than truthful with you, you were bonkers not to have sat him down and asked him for all this information BEFORE he moved in.

Do not let him stay a day past 6 weeks - if you even make it that far. he will take the piss and you will have your relationship with your DB ruined forever.

AlltheGinJoints · 07/07/2017 13:49

Hissy that made me laugh, I'm beginning to think you're right! Exactly what I would be thinking if I was reading this about someone else but with a lot of tutting and head shaking thrown in!!

I hadn't thought about a room in a shared house - of course! - this is genius. Im going to team up with DH and tell DB this is definitely an option for DB from our POV if he can't stretch to a whole house/flat.

I'm now relaxing at the hairdressers having my grey covered Smile no word from DB about any WORK yet

OP posts:
ToEarlyForDecorations · 07/07/2017 14:07

Can he claim his Unemployment Benefit whilst he is looking for work ? Could he explain his situation that he is in temporary accommodation and maybe get some housing benefits too ? I don't know how someone is deemed to be homeless but once, 'homeless' is a legally established status don't government agencies have to help ?

Some people live in hostel and are still deemed to be homeless because they are in a hostel for the homeless.

Could he contact the CAB ? I know someone who let out individual rooms in their house to single homeless men and got their details from the local CAB because their house was on the CAB's 'list'. The rooms were also advertised as 'DSS accepted'. They paid the going rate for the rooms from their housing benefit.

A few red flags from me though:

No deposit because he had got behind with the rent. Why ? You mean he deliberately didn't pay it for the last few weeks because he knew the deposit would cover the arrears ? So, what did he do with the money not being paid in rent ? How does that stand him with regard to a reference from the landlord should one be needed for his next rental, irrespective of whether it's a shared house/whatever. Or did he lose his deposit for any other reason ?

If he's jacked his job in, could he look for work elsewhere where the property rents are better value ?

I hope Hissy isn't right. I also hope that this isn't a load of drip feeding. You know the not feed the

Thesingingtoad · 07/07/2017 16:03

Good luck - you'll need it!

I've got a feeling that in 5 months time, he will be curled up on your sofa watching daytime telly, with the heating turn up to max with no intention of finding somewhere else to live, and no money to pay rent, while he's got a comfy billet.

Hissy · 07/07/2017 17:27

((((GinJoints)))) huge hug!

I hope I'm wrong too, fwiw, but have been on addicted to MN far too long.

Set the boundaries and be cast iron about them. Don't fall for sob stories, or you'll live to regret ever allowing him over the threshold

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 07/07/2017 17:35

How does that stand him with regard to a reference from the landlord should one be needed for his next rental

There are ways round that...

I had bloody good reasons for not asking my previous landlord for a reference. I explained to the agency, they saw my point & since I had everything else they wanted they accepted a reference from my landlord-before-last.

I think DB should be able to wangle his way into a shared house.

AlltheGinJoints · 07/07/2017 17:36

ToEarly I haven't seen him since breakfast, I've been out and now he's out so there's been no chance to question him further today since my pp regarding his finances.
My intention was not to drip feed and I'm sorry if it's come across that way, as I said in my op it's my first thread and I wanted to get the balance right between boring the pants off everyone with an overlong post and giving enough info so the situation made sense iyswim. I'm pretty sure there's no more back story.

Singingtoad I'm going to introduce him to the concept of a room in a shared house as pp have suggested, after all that's the same as he's got here.....

It's really opened my eyes reading everyone's opinions and ideas and I've taken it all on board, there's nothing like honesty from a stranger.

Anyway, he's just come home so I'll go down and see how the job hunting went.

OP posts:
AlltheGinJoints · 07/07/2017 19:22

Hooray! He is gainfully employed once again. He has work with his skill starting tomorrow and has been promised at least the next seven days straight with ongoing work available. Not permanent but a good start.
Me and DH off out now for a drink and a bite to eat, just waiting for DB to return from the fried chicken shop so he can give us a lift - every cloud and all that....🍗 Wink

OP posts:
Thesingingtoad · 08/07/2017 07:26

Good news about the job. Hopefully he will find a room in a shared house and not become a long-term guest.

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