Birthday money for wayward teen

[bcngran]

My elder granddaughter will soon be 14. For the past year or so, she has been VERY VERY hard work for her parents,and everyone else, hardly ever attending school, coming home very late, going out when grounded, monosyllabic, uncommunicative, rude... She has just told me (longest conversation I have had with her for months) she wants money for her birthday, nothing else, don't give her anything else at all, just money. I hadn't actually asked her what she would like for her birthday, by the way, just "how are things, how's life going at the moment" type comment from me, and that was the response.

I don't really feel inclined to give her anything. I don't feel like funding any of her activities at the moment. I have thought about giving her a small sum and explaining that the more time she puts in at school then more money will come her way. But it seems harsh not to acknowledge a child's birthday with a gift. Does anyone else have experience of this? WWYD?

I wouldn't give her cash.

Vouchers are the way to go.

Or try and tap into what she is interested in and give her something appropriate. Even if it's left-field for you. EG, a fashion show.

What are her 'activities?'

Vouchers are a good option but unless she's spending it on drugs I'd give her money,all teens like money ime.

Agree a voucher, iTunes or clothes etc but if you want to make a point you could do Waterstones or somewhere specific to academia. It's difficult as sometimes waywards need some carrot to make them want to do/be better but others need to be told firmly this is how it is.

but if you want to make a point you could do Waterstones or somewhere specific to academia you'll ailianate her further if you do that. Birthdays shouldn't be used to make points. She'll get through this difficult time ( hopefully) she's a difficult teen, lots of people were.

I'd give her fuck all to be honest.

giving her nothing at all isn't going to work, she will just feel that she is disliked, and develop a chip on her shoulder. I wouldn't give her money though

Urgh.
She does sound like hard work.
I'd suggest a topshop voucher or similar, never cash.
I agree you should keep those channels of commincation open. My teen thinks more highly of my mother than me. And I was a crappy teenager.
Maybe a book token or iTunes voucher? Or amazon if they have a kindle.

I know it's hard now but honestly your love for her now WON'T go unnoticed.
It'll settle.
If she's unhappy you might be the one she turns to.

You might be living with them, so disregard this if so - but if this is all heard through venting via parents, you're likely not hearing all of the nice little things she does, or when she acts "normal". Just give her the money IMO, let her do the things she enjoys. Like pp said, as long as it's not being spent on drugs I don't see an issue.

Great post Maryz

Good post Mary. That must have been hard but good to know he had someone watching out for him

Everything Maryz said.

Those saying give a voucher instead of cash, you do realise she could sell it and get cash anyway?

I think our lovely Maryz has said everything I would have said. You're her granny, not her judge

I don't like gjving money for birthdays but we've resorted to it with my 17yo dsd for the past few years. The result however this year was that she's shown how utterly irresponsible with money she is as she lost the same amount we'd given her (£80) on the bus just days after giving her it. She no longer spends it on something nice, it gets frittered away on alcohol and McDonalds. I was quite cross because £80 is a lot to us at the moment as I'm on maternity leave. She just has no concept of the value of money because she has so much of it.

In hindsight I'd have told her the amount that was available and taken her on a shopping spree and maybe had some lunch together. Could that be an option for you op? Most teenagers like shopping. Or if she won't go with you perhaps suggest it's something she can do with her mum?

Just read my post back and realised I didn't type everything I wanted to say being too tired.

Imo carrot is more commonly the remedy than stick.

You may think you know what's going on to a degree but you won't know the full story of her relationship with her parents, school, friends etc. In regards to home life, you can live under the same roof as them and still not know the full extent of words and feelings and experiences that go on between them.

The way she asks for money out of nowhere does come across rude but you may want to ask a little more, you may not. It's hard to tell from your OP both what your relationship with her is like and what your level of openness is too. Only you can judge this one.

We encourage vouchers (e.g. cinema, swimming, bowling)or 'experiences' with our teen.

wise words (as always) from Maryz and from other posters

it is not your job to discipline your grandchild: that is for her parents to do

parents rant, just like teenagers do

I know what you're saying Maryz but in our case there are other things going on. Without hijacking the thread, she's a great young lady most of the time, however she does gey a huge amount already - sizeable allowance from dh and her own mum each month. Losing the money on the bus didn't bother het at all because she didn't have to earn it. She's dropped out of college and has no motivation to do anything else but lie in bed with her boyfriend all day. But that's a whole other story! Ultimately I love her to bits and always will. She's just struggling with motivation and self discipline and responsibility right now. That's why I'd favour taking her on a shopping spree - quality time and I'd get some pleasure from seeing her spend it. It just seems like £80 doesn't seem like much these days to many teenagers and it is.

I'm having a similar dilemma with a relative who is the same, behaviour wise, but older. Old enough to know better but actively choosing not to make any wise decisions.

Can't be bothered with college, can't be bothered to fulfil their very part time job, rude and unpleasant at home, getting into stupid and dangerous situations. A late teen birthday looms and I'm usually quite generous but I'm really hesitating.

Sorry, I'm no help but I understand your predicament.

Maryz I haven't seen you post for ages, nice to see you again

With my niece I wrote in her card that I'd give her £X and take her shopping. That way we spent a lovely day together and she got some things she wanted.