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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she should have told me at the time or kept quiet forever

42 replies

Satinwood · 05/07/2017 13:03

I split up with ExDP a little while ago now. The relationship ended for several reasons, but mainly due to the fact that we were increasingly living separate lives and had lost any emotional closeness.

One of my best friends came to stay with me recently and we were talking about my ex relationship. She then said that she hadn't wanted to tell me at the time, but a year or so before he and I split up, when we were all out for my birthday, he had followed her to the bar and started complimenting her in quite an inappropriate way. She said as they were then walking up the stairs back to where I and her DP were sitting he jumped in front of her in order to block her way and said something along the lines of "how is a woman as amazing as you even real" which she just awkwardly brushed off and walked around him and carried on up the stairs.

Obviously I feel really pissed off with him even though we have now split up so it doesn't really make any difference to anything, and I'm not going to bother confronting him with it because we're not even in touch now anyway.

But I can't help but feel a little bit annoyed with her that she didn't tell me at the time, because he and I were having problems for quite a while and if I had found out about that I probably would've ended the relationship sooner than I did.

I'm also not the kind of person who would get annoyed with the messenger, she knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't have been annoyed with her for telling me, as I'm quite a straightforward person who appreciates the truth even if it's hard to take.

She didn't seem to see that telling me would upset me in any way and I just kind changed the subject as I didn't want her to know that I was as upset as I was.

AIBU to be annoyed with her for this?

OP posts:

Alittlepotofrosie · 05/07/2017 13:06

Yes you are. No part of your relationship or break up is her fault. What if she had told you and he said that she had led him on. How was she to know that you would have believed her when it was him you were in a relationship with?

Justhadmyhaircut · 05/07/2017 13:06

Maybe she knew your relationship was already fragile and didn't want to be the one to topple it?
Shitty friend to keep it from you though. .

justanotheryoungmother · 05/07/2017 13:06

YANBU- if she told you at the time that would have been fair enough as you'd have deserved to know, but seeing as you've broken up, there was no need for her to tell you, what good could come of her telling you now?

demirose87 · 05/07/2017 13:09

Yes I would be pissed off and thought along the lines of if shes a friend she would have told me, but from her perspective, it sounds like a really awkward thing to have to tell you Just be glad you're no longer with a man like this and put it behind you x

Original poster

Satinwood · 05/07/2017 13:14

Alittlepotofrosie I didn't say that it was in any way her fault that we broke up. Just that if I had known the truth at the time I probably would have broken up with him sooner and not wasted an additional year of my life.

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 05/07/2017 13:15

YANBU and I would be upset if a friend did it to me. What was she hoping to achieve by telling you this now?

I'm harbouring a deep secret from my best friend, have done for over 10 years now, and I know that I can never say anything to her. I often look back and think I should have told her at the time, but I didn't, so now just keep it to myself.

Piratesandpants · 05/07/2017 13:16

Put yourself in her shoes. It's a horrible situation. She probably wanted to tell you but decided not to, it's still bothering her, she thought this was an opportunity to tell you. Focus on the fact that this is not her fault. It's your ex's.

Alittlepotofrosie · 05/07/2017 13:17

And you're blaming that year being wasted on her. That's not her fault.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 05/07/2017 13:18

In your shoes, I'd be annoyed that she didn't tell me at the time too. Yanbu.

I suppose it's better you know now though? Just in case you were ever considering a reconciliation or anything or have any low moments where you regret about ending the relationship. Better to have all the info imo.

Original poster

Satinwood · 05/07/2017 13:19

I definitely appreciate that it was an awkward situation for her. I guess I just wish that she hadn't told me all the details of the things he said to her because now they're just going round and round in my head - it's really humiliating, I mean it was my birthday as well! I suppose I feel a bit robbed of a chance to confront him about it.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 05/07/2017 13:20

I got slaughtered on here for talking about something very similar, OP. FWIW I think you're right. Your friend knew you could take straight-talking. She knew you were unhappy with him. She should have told you then, not now. Telling you now just makes you feel bad; telling you then meant you could take action.

Original poster

Satinwood · 05/07/2017 13:20

alittlepotofrosie I'm not blaming it on her, just saying that if I'd have the facts at the time my decision would've been different

OP posts:

TheStoic · 05/07/2017 13:23

YANBU.

Why tell you now? At least if she'd told you back then, it actually would've been helpful. :-/

VestalVirgin · 05/07/2017 13:24

That's what you think.

But she can't read your mind.

And if she went on mumsnet to ask for advice, many people would have told her to keep quiet. Because you never know how someone will react to being told something until you have told them.

She wanted to tell you, decided not to after thinking about the possible consequences (and it is a sad fact that many women would rather lose a friend than split up with their man) and felt bad about it ever since, so she decided to tell you.

You think it was inconsiderate of her to tell you now, but why? She probably thinks it won't hurt you anymore because you are now rid of him anyway.

Original poster

Satinwood · 05/07/2017 13:25

Yeah I feel like she's had the relief of getting off her chest but i'm just now left with some unpleasant useless knowledge

OP posts:

TheStoic · 05/07/2017 13:28

She probably thinks it won't hurt you anymore because you are now rid of him anyway.

Nobody with half a brain could think that.

deffoncforthis · 05/07/2017 13:29

Being put on this kind of spot is terrible. There are reasons to kick up a fuss and reasons not to.

All any of us can do in such a situation is try our best to do what will hurt people the least. I wouldn't blame friend too much if you think she was trying to do that.

LongLostCherub · 05/07/2017 13:33

It's funny (not ha ha) when you break up with someone, the number of people who feel they have to tell you all the things that would have been red flag useful information to have about your ex before you broke up. Fine, I get it often comes from a place of them being supportive in that they're saying you've made the right decision but it's also saying they've been pitying you for years stuck with such a loser/pig/asshole. It's best kept to themselves imo because in the aftermath stage it's not helpful, it's hurtful and embarrassing, you've already broken up so what difference does it make to know more horrible stuff? You're not unreasonable, OP, she should have kept it to herself.

Original poster

Satinwood · 05/07/2017 13:33

I completely get why she wouldn't have wanted to tell me at the time, and why other people would advise her not to tell me, but having made that decision I feel like she should have therefore never told me

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 05/07/2017 13:33

YANBU. She has no good reason for telling you now. You've already finished it. I'd be reassessing if she's really a friend tbf.

demirose87 · 05/07/2017 13:34

Hmmm I think maybe it would have been better to have just not told you and avoided you being upset. I can't see what good would come from telling you a year later, unless she's trying to persuade you that you did the right thing in splitting with him?

Original poster

Satinwood · 05/07/2017 13:42

demirose I think maybe she was just trying to reassure me that I was right to split up with him. She's a lovely person and I don't think she would ever say something like that just to hurt me. It probably felt good to get it off her chest and she must've thought she was being helpful. It doesn't help that she's really stunning and one of the other reasons that he and I broke up with because he didn't seem to fancy me anymore, so I suppose it's a bit like salt in the wound in that respect

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 05/07/2017 13:44

I agree - she didn't at the time because if everything was fine otherwise and you stayed together she'd end up the villain.

She told you now presumably in solidarity as a " what a knob he is" type gesture and to make you feel better that you are well rid.

Try not to dwell on it too much. We needs our girl friends!

Mrsdraper1 · 05/07/2017 13:47

I can totally understand why she didn't want to tell you at the time as it's a well known phenomenon that people shoot the messenger. You say she knows you like straight talk but she may not have felt that way, she cannot read your mind as a pp said, so YAB a bit U.
As far as telling you now, maybe she told you in case it came out later and when she thought it might give you comfort confirming you made the right decision to end the relationship
Would you have been angry if it came out later from someone else?
I'm sorry, and I totally understand why you feel hurt and fed up about this but I think you are directing your hurt at the wrong person.
Your ex is the one who did the wrong thing and this confirms you made the right decision to dump the silly man who clearly could not appreciate what a good woman he was with. Don't let him mess up anything else for you.

SeagullsStoleMyChurro · 05/07/2017 13:48

The problem with saying something at the time is that nine times out of ten it's a short cut to someone being hugely angry with you and taking their partners side.

I've seen it first hand. Friend is now estranged from his whole family. His partner is a nightmare but saying anything would simply get us cut off too.

Not sure if she should have said something in retrospect though. You've broken up anyway so is it really useful information? Could she be worried that the two of you might reconcile?

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