To think she should have told me at the time or kept quiet forever

[Satinwood]

I split up with ExDP a little while ago now. The relationship ended for several reasons, but mainly due to the fact that we were increasingly living separate lives and had lost any emotional closeness.

One of my best friends came to stay with me recently and we were talking about my ex relationship. She then said that she hadn't wanted to tell me at the time, but a year or so before he and I split up, when we were all out for my birthday, he had followed her to the bar and started complimenting her in quite an inappropriate way. She said as they were then walking up the stairs back to where I and her DP were sitting he jumped in front of her in order to block her way and said something along the lines of "how is a woman as amazing as you even real" which she just awkwardly brushed off and walked around him and carried on up the stairs.

Obviously I feel really pissed off with him even though we have now split up so it doesn't really make any difference to anything, and I'm not going to bother confronting him with it because we're not even in touch now anyway.

But I can't help but feel a little bit annoyed with her that she didn't tell me at the time, because he and I were having problems for quite a while and if I had found out about that I probably would've ended the relationship sooner than I did.

I'm also not the kind of person who would get annoyed with the messenger, she knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't have been annoyed with her for telling me, as I'm quite a straightforward person who appreciates the truth even if it's hard to take.

She didn't seem to see that telling me would upset me in any way and I just kind changed the subject as I didn't want her to know that I was as upset as I was.

AIBU to be annoyed with her for this?

I agree that if she didn't tell you at the time she should have just kept it to herself now.

I know you've said the split was pretty mutual and that it's been 'some time'. Is there any possible chance that you've said anything recently to make her think that you regret the breakup and perhaps that was why she felt she needed to offer this 'reassurance'?

But if she's a good friend, remember that we all do and say stupid things to our friends at times. And that a truly good friend is hard to find.

You're right – she is worth a million of him. I actually feel a bit embarrassed for him because her DP is far more attractive than him, I don't know why he thought he would've stood a chance with her!

Sorry, that was replying to Mrs Draper there

you said u dont shoot the messenger but thats exactly what your doing now

its not her fault when you broke up with him how do u even know you woul have believed her at the time

Gabs with respect I think you're missing the point, it's not the fact that she's told me, it's the timing of it. I wouldn't have shot the messenger at the time, I can promise you but I acknowledge what other people are saying that she wasn't to know that one hundred percent

mayb it was right timing in her mind to clarify that he was a scumbag

I dont think you are being unreasonable. It seems futile for her to have brought it up now - but maybe she felt guilty and wanted it off her chest.

I wouldnt let that berk ex mess up the friendship though.

I don't think your friend should have told you, tbh, because this was bound to play on your mind. However, in my experience when there are cases where someone blurts something out intending it to be a kind of vague hint, and then it's incredibly hard not to give every graphic detail because the other person demands to know. Eg:

A: I'm so glad I broke up with Tom!
B: Me too, he was such a jerk! Did I tell you he even came on to me one time? I knew he wasn't right for you then.
A: What? No! What happened!
B: It was that night we were out, the four of us, and he was just a bit inappropriate.
A: What did he do?
B: Oh, he was just drunk and being a jerk. He complimented me, and I just felt that it was really the wrong thing.
A: What did he say, though?
B: Let's not go there
A: No, I need to know.
B: Really? I don't think that's a good idea
A: You can't not tell me now...

etc. etc. etc.

Lanouvelleheloise that's pretty much spot on!

I've been in your friend's shoes. Blurted out something, and then had to tell every detail, even though I really genuinely never intended to tell her.

The thing is she's not your friend if she remotely thinks YOU are humiliated by this. Because the actions of a cockwomble aren't your responsibility, your bad, or your shame. They're his.

It's strange, I've been cheated on and I felt so very, very ashamed afterwards, like it was a judgement on me. But no true friend ever sees it like that. For them, the shame is all on the guy.

Ach, sweetie, you'd have been as pissed off then as you are now. Just for a different rreason but the end result still the same. She didn't tell you probably as she didn't want to hurt you or make your situation worse. She is now simply validating your decision.

Let it go 💐

Thank you I'll let it go. He's definitely not worth it!

Channel that rage where it belongs - against the wanker who behaved this way! Can you do something cathartic and symbolic like burning pictures of him or writing a list of every bad point he had and then shredding it?

YANBU, but that said, your friend was in a very difficult position, and it's hard to know how the other person would react when you're telling them something like that. Her telling you now might be that she's trying to validate the decision you made to break up with him.

YABU
Your friend didn't tell you at the time- it was your birthday fgs.
She didn't know the state of your relationship. She is not a mind reader. She values your friendship and was fearful the messenger would get shot.
Now she feels it is 'safe' to tell you. The relationship is over.
I see nothing wrong with that.
Could I really see myself telling a friend their partner has 'come onto me'.
I doubt it as it throws up all sorts of s*it.

I'm sorry that you're feeling freshly hurt by him & frustrated you now don't have the opportunity to 'have it out' with him, that really is annoying. Those things do ring in your ears for a bit, but if you stop focusing on it, they'll go away.

I think you are being unfair on her. At the time she probably just thought 'You mate, are a monumental TWAT & don't deserve to be with my friend' and didn't think about it too much. Then, the other night, you were discussing your ex-relationship & she told you. I'm guessing, as you say she's a lovely person, she told you because it seemed the right or honest thing to do. it's not as if she just brought it up out of the blue.

She basically should have said something at the time or nothing ever.

I had something similar except this person new yrs after the fact that he had cheated on me at one time. We had already split up and all I did was laugh it off as what else was there to say. There was nothing for me to gain other than to concrete my own affirmations about him.

I question why they told me though, it didn't come out as concern more like gossip and wanting to see my reaction but hard to tell due to nature of relationship. I question why they told me at all as at that point it wasn't relevant anymore.