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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to move into a bloody tent for the summer hols so Dp can get help for his snoring?

30 replies

SongforSal · 05/07/2017 09:07

I am at my wits end.

Dp shares lifts to work with another man each morning. This morning, the poor man turned up to my house and pleasantly said good morning, and asked how I was. I immediately bust into tears. The reason being, I have been awake since around 3am because of Dp's snoring.

It has got progressively worse regardless of what position he is sleeping in. He makes all sorts of sounds from both his nose and mouth, and often splutters making it sound like he is choking. He is point blank refusing to go to the GP. I can not live like this anymore!

I have just had a sleep deprived brainwave to pack the tent, and go stay in the field next to Dm's house for the summer hols. At least for a couple of weeks, to drill home if anything the effect it is having on us. He often wakes eldest up at night to and we are all suffering. Yes I know it is not his fault, but equally I think he is being a selfish sod for not taking this seriously. It actually sounds like something is wrong with him.

I actually think taking the Dc's for a couple of weeks would kick start him into getting help. I know he would be lonely with us not here, but I honestly dread going to bed each night. Sometimes I sleep on the sofa, and get woken by his snoring two floors above me! The neighbours have heard him to!!

OP posts:
giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/07/2017 09:10

YANBU.

However, if youre that serious, kick DH out. Otherwise he will just view it as ypi guys going on a jolly and it won't be the kick up the butt you want it to be.

Mrsmartell08 · 05/07/2017 09:12

After 20 years of this shit I kicked dh out of my bed at Xmas
He went to the Dr who refereed him
The consultant said it was the worst deviated septum he had ever seen
Dh had a septoplasty in May
No snoring since Smile

Mrsmartell08 · 05/07/2017 09:12

On a serious note if he is choking (like dh) it needs sorting as he prob has sleep apnoea which is dangerous

Original poster
SongforSal · 05/07/2017 09:17

I think it is sleep apnoea to. I honestly can't describe the level of noise and sounds he is making. He is a normal weight, but a smoker and knows he needs to stop. He coughs and splutters when he wakes up so that might be connected.

I actually dropped my coffee this morning because I was shaking....I can't remember the last time I slept well. I have tried earplugs, but I can still hear the bloody rhinoceros.

OP posts:
Herbpatch · 05/07/2017 09:21

What mrsM said. Sleep apnoea is potentially dangerous. I do agree though, that if he is deep in denial, you going away with the children could look like you just going on a lovely holiday, rather than being the action of a woman obviously at her wits' end! Stick him in a tent in the garden! Have you tried recording him to make him aware of just how much noise he is making?

Is he overweight? The only time my husband snored was when he put on weight, unhappy in a high-pressure job that involved a lot of entertaining -- he stopped as soon as he quit and lost the extra weight.

Herbpatch · 05/07/2017 09:22

Sorry, X-post. It does sound to a lay person very much like sleep apnoea.

NoBetterName · 05/07/2017 09:23

DH is also a terrible snorer, which has got worse over the years as he has gained weight.

It has now reached the point where we don't share a bedroom - he sleeps in the spare room (two floors below my room) if we don't have to because I can't get to sleep. Being a typical man though, he won't go and see the doctor about it. His father snores equally loudly as I heard when we went to stay with his parents once.

notanevilstepmother · 05/07/2017 09:24

He needs to see GP and get a sleep apnea machine probably. It's dangerous for him and for you to even drive with no sleep.

Do what you need to do to get him to the doctor. Tent, argument, phone his mum Grin whatever you have to. It has made my life so much better now DH has one.

japanesegarden · 05/07/2017 09:31

Agree with the other posters, my DH snored dreadfully all his life, with me spending many nights on the sofa, until he began to feel his performance at work impaired by lack of sleep. At that point he got referred to a sleep apnoea specialist and fitted with a CPAP machine. He now looks like Darth Vader at night (and sounds like him), but it has transformed both our lives. Your husband is ruining the lives of all his family and the neighbours, and it's unnecessary. This is probably easily treated. He needs to see a doctor!

Original poster
SongforSal · 05/07/2017 09:34

Thanks everyone. I am going to record him tonight. He isn't overweight, and is dragging his heels I believe because he is worried he might need an operation. He has even woke himself up mumbling about the noise!!

OP posts:
RB68 · 05/07/2017 09:48

DH is a snorer, overweight, smoker and worse when he has had a couple of drinks. We use the natural remedies from Boots (buy when on 3 for 2 and no so pricey) but worth the cost for sleep for me - makes enough of a difference I can put up with the noises he makes which honestly are much much reduced.

But I agree he is being selfish to do nothing

PenguinBollard · 05/07/2017 10:00

I horrified that anyone is selfish enough to refuse to get help when their wife and children are so affected they're considering sleeping in a tent. That's disgusting

Herbpatch · 05/07/2017 10:03

my DH snored dreadfully all his life, with me spending many nights on the sofa, until he began to feel his performance at work impaired by lack of sleep

That's appalling! He didn't care that you were unable to sleep in your own bed for years, but only finally acted on his snoring when his work performance was impaired? What about your work performance and quality of life?

GrainOfSalt · 05/07/2017 10:07

Yep the coughing a spluttering does sound like sleep apnoea, I was diagnosed last year and my cpap machine has been a life saver (most probably literally).

The thing is I have ever heard myself snore etc (y'know, being asleep and all that) and despite comments on it it wasn't until I had a combination of things happening - very dozy at lunchtime, almost dropping off in class/ meetings, napping when I got home, shocking dry mouth and swollen uvula (dangly bit at the back of the mouth) - and then went on holiday with friends who could hear me seemingly dying multiple times in the night through the walls - that I finally went to the doctor. the assessment was easy they strapped me to a machine and I went home and slept normally then went back the next day to find I had severe sleep apnoea.

After a traumatic first week with the cpap machine (I started a thread about it here and got great support) I got the right mask for me and I now have quality sleep and am altogether far more human

Yes tape him, great idea. If that doesn't work kick him out of the room/ move into the tent until he takes it seriously. If it is sleep apnoea it could be very serious if left untreated (of course it may not be I'm just going by my experience)

2014newme · 05/07/2017 10:07

Yanbu. I've lost patience with my dh now after 16 years of it. He's in the spare room till it's sorted.

AuntieStella · 05/07/2017 10:09

I think he's being totally unreasonable in refusing to see a doctor.

Now, some people snore, they can't help it and you shouldn't blame them, and the consequences of it just have to be managed somehow.

But someone who has not taken even the first steps to establish if the snoring can be stopped or ameliorated, and who will not be assessed for potentially serious underlying conditions, is not someone who deserves sympathetic treatment.

He is the one who needs to sleep elsewhere. Until you go for what sounds like a lovely camping break.

CMOTDibbler · 05/07/2017 10:11

DH has sleep apnoea, and has been on CPAP for 10 years. Sleep apnoea when untreated is massively dangerous - its worse for driving safety than being over the blood alcohol limit, is implicated in a massive increase in rates of stroke, heart attack, cancer and diabetic retinopathy and other eye problems.
DH was told that if he'd ignored his sleep apnoea he'd have likely been dead by 50 .
Ask him if he wants you and him to be around much longer - he can have a simple test, and wear a device each night and deal with it.
Record his snoring, then tell him he's going to the GP and then go with him and don't take any nonsense! BTW, he needs a referral to Sleep Services, not ENT for a proper assessment

tigerdriverII · 05/07/2017 10:14

Ear plugs. Changed my life!

GrainOfSalt · 05/07/2017 10:20

By the way if it is just general snoring I have just started the 'Singing for snorers' singing programme - there is proper peer reviewed research on it which shows a reduction in daytime sleepiness and frequency of snoring . I don't know if it will have any effect but I may as well try it :D (Just google singing for snorers) - If it does have an effect I will definitely be posting about it !!

PeaFaceMcgee · 05/07/2017 10:29

Record him, show him, spell out the dangers, spell out in no uncertain terms that his refusal to seek help is making nights unbearable.

If he still refuses then you must ask him to leave. Sleep deprivation kills.

IdaDown · 05/07/2017 10:34

Why are you and the kids even thinking about sleeping in a tent.

If DH is not prepared to go to his GP then he can sleep in the tent / back at his parents / mates house / Travel Lodge etc...

Why should one problem person be able to disturb the majority?

2014newme · 05/07/2017 14:43

I do wear ear plugs!

jelliebelly · 05/07/2017 14:50

At the very least he needs to try an over the counter remedy -dh uses a throat spray but tbh prob not as bad as yours

Mrsmartell08 · 05/07/2017 16:01

Yes.
I recorded Dh so he could hear how bad it was

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2017 16:24

You don't have to be overweight to have sleep apnoea, and that's exactly what this sounds like. He needs a huge wake-up call as to how deadly this can be. It puts tremendous strain on his heart, never mind making you fucking miserable. He's being extremely selfish.