to think that DD's dp is cruel for not sending her anything for her first Mother's Day?

[BettyBarclay1511]

Their first baby is just three weeks old. I rang him a week before Mother's Day and asked him what he was doing - he replied "nothing". I said surely he would be doing something on my dd's first Mother's Day? He was adamant he was going to do nothing. I said that it was "normal" that dad's would send things on behalf of their children when the children are too little to do something themselves. I was astonished that he would be so cruel. His own mother died some years ago and I thought that he would have been a little more understanding. I knew that she would be heartbroken so I send her a bouquet of flowers via a courier - posted 2 cards (I couldn't decide which one was the nicest as I liked them both) and sent a box of chocs from her little baby boy. Her best friend even sent her a card from the baby and he's a man. So am I being unreasonable in thinking that my DD dp is cruel? After this episode I have lost every bit of respect I had for him.

I think you are over-reacting just a tad. I too have just had my first mother's day - I wasn't expecting anything but in the event my partner did get me a card. I was pleased but kind of surprised that he bothered. IMO Mother's day is a commercial rip-off designed to sell yet more crap to the consumer. If I did get anything I would want it to be a genuine expression of love from my child.

What's his mother dying got to do with it anyway?

It does seem abit odd - Is he getting jealous of the baby? I know a little one can cause problems in the early days as the Mum can be so focused? Maybe thats it?

Yes you are being unreasonable imo.
Probably the fact that his mother died a few years ago may mean that he finds the whole Mothering Sunday malarkey a bit painful anyway.
Why should he send a card from his three week old child?

I'm afraid I think you are also being unreasonable. I've never expected dh to do anything on Mother's Day on my dss' behalf because I am not his mother. This year, with ds1 in Reception he made a card, a flower and a biscuit and I think it really only means something if it comes from the child. TBH, I agree with ArcticRoll that the loss of his mother might have made it harder for him. Also, dare I say it, it is between them.

My dhs mother died three years ago, and he gets me card from the kids.
I dont think they are connected, i just think he probably didnt even think about it, especially with a newborn. He may even have been trying to get your back up about it. Is he a good dad apart from that?

maybe he views her as a sex object, rather than as a mother. (not that the two are mutually exclusive..just not your own mum..)

i think you interfered a little by sending not one, but two cards, flowers and chocolates. thats just made her DP look even worse. well done for adding to that marital dischord.

My dh has always got me something for me off my Girls

I wouldnt be too impressed with him if he didnt!!!!

and I get him something on Fathers day

My dh gave me a card from ds, but nothing else and I wouldn't want anything else. I think Mother's Day is just a marketing ploy to get people to spend their money...

and if my DH hadnt have bought something, I know my Mum would have gone out and got a card and little present for the girls to give me

I think that is lovely of you

what did your DD think? that he hadn't bought anything.

I suppose at the end of the day if she isn't bothered then it doesn't matter

Not everyone does the same things. I can understand it not crossing a mans mind lol

I would have been really upset if DH hadn't got me something for Mother's Day, from DD. Especially that very first one!

How lovely of you to think of sending something to her.

BTW, what did your DD think about it all? Does she generally celebrate Mother's Day?

I was a bit hurt when my DH didn't do anything for my first mothers day. He wasn't cruel, though - just didn't occur to him that I would have found the gesture nice.
I have two views on this - on the one hand its strange that he refused to do anything when you reminded him - it's like he just didn't realise it was mothers day.
On the other hand the baby is only 3 weeks old. We all know that those early days can be hellish for some parents, and having another task to think about may have been the last thing he needed.
Maybe as a couple they don't see Mothers day as important?
Don't think badly of him - at least your daughter was thought of.

Thats what I wondered

If her DD isnt bothered then he hasn't really done nothing wrong

If she was upset, then he needs a kick up the backside lol

With a 3 week old baby I think they have a few other things to think about right now. Such as looking after it. And concentrating on keeping their marriage on an even keel.

Also, I am not trying to allocate blame here, but just to think about this from the point of view of your DD's DP, is it possible that you checking up on him put his back up? I got my DP a card for father's day, but if my MIL had rung me the week beforehand to lecture me on my responsibilities I think I would have been LESS likely to send something, not more.

At 3wks old, just cut them all some slack.

Totally agree with MissGolightly.

I did want a card "from DS" last year when he was about a month old, and hinted quite a lot at DH. Got a homemade one in the end that is v sweet. He doesn't send his own mum a card (even though they are v close). My mum always get my sis and me cards telling us what great mum's we are to our children, but we are a v card-orientated family and DH is not. If my mum had called DH asking him what he had planned for me I think he would have been a bit bemused.

I'm with Saadia on this one. Mother's day (if you're into that sort of thing) is about a CHILD saying thank you to IT'S MUM.

Until they're old enough to make a card/present, it's totally irrelevant and I think that what you did could be seen as quite interfering, though I know you meant well.

I'm always a bit uncomfortable about friends with babies who think it's fine to go off on a shopping spree for clothes for themselves for Mother's day. It's totally missing the point.

My ds has made a card for me since he was in nursery and now he's in secondary school he still makes a card with a lovely poem and a bunch of daffs out of HIS pocket money which HE has chosen.

oh betty I'm afriad you are being an interfering MIL! It's actually up to your dd and her dp what they make of mother's day, or not;

Some people have very different views. I would have cringed if my dh had got me something 'from ds' as a tiny baby; it seems contrived to me. I knew dh appreciated me as a mother to our son and I didn't need him to get me something 'from' ds on a particular day that the card companies decide they want to make their profit on!

If it had been my MIL phoning to check what I was doing and tell me it was 'normal' to do something, I would have been seething.

Sorry, but you have interfered and you are being unreasonable.

Even if your dd was upset at not getting anything, that's her issue to deal with in her own, adult relationship. Leave it alone!

my mum bought me a card and very small bunch od flowers from DS, I thought it was very sweet as he carried the flowers to me. Mind you I have no DP so I guess she didn;t have anyone to interfere with.

You can choose to celebrate Mothers Day (and Fathers Day and Xmas and ...) without it being a "commercial rip-off" - a card and a small bunch of flowers and a lovely day wth my DS was all I needed. I don't understand why so many people are so vitriolic about Mothers day - you can celebrate your mother without it being a rip off.

(But for the record I think 2 cards and chocolates and flowers was a little OTT - he no dount thinks you are trying to show him up rather than being nice to your DD)

My DH "forgot" to do anything for my first mother's day, when DS was 6 months old, and I was hurt.

As I have said on other threads, I think that until children are old enough to sort Mother's Day cards for themselves, they should be helped to make one, or scribble in one that the DH/DP has bought.

I see Mother's Day as much as an opportunity for men to just take stock and say "thank you" to the women who are the mother of their children for all those women do for the children.

Having said that, there's no way I would have sent cards, flowers and chocs to another woman. Agree this is way too much interfering. My son's godmother said to me she nearly sent me a card on my first mother's day, but felt that it was my DH's job and she's right - it was. A shame he didn't see it that way, but he's been put straight.

It's not just a commercialised thing for some people. It's actually a recognised festival in the church we belong to, so it's only right that it is acknowledged.

Come on, how hard is it to get a child to scribble on a piece of paper, fold the paper in half and write "Happy Mother's Day" on it? But I think it's a gesture that can mean a lot.

my friends mother died when he was a teen and he still has trouble dealing with mothers' day. maybe dd's dp has the same issues and just can't deal with it all?

I think your DD's DP ia a complete and utter arse for neglecting her first mother's Day.

My first mother's day was a big disappointment and not likely to be forgotten.

But,even worse than mine, your DD's DP had it explained to him before the day. So, he new it would be expected and still did nothing.

How does your DD feel about all of this?

Gosh I am actually surprised people think you are being unreasonable. My dh organised two cards this year, one from each dd which I felt was a bit OTT. We had agreed no presents as we are a bit strapped this month.
I would have been very upset if he hadn't done anything and I am afraid I would have seen it as an example of him not appreciating me as the dd's are too young to.
My first Mothering Sunday was when dd1 was 6 days old and I had a lovely card, and printed digital photo in one of those clip things. I was over the moon he had thought to do that for me and it meant an awful lot to me and I felt it was a lovely supportive gesture from him towards me as a Mother.
I do not see Mothers Day/ Mothering Sunday as a wholly commercial thing as for us it is celebrated at our Church too. I do the same for dh on Fathers Day (even though that is a commercial American import) but I will not get involved with Grandparents day. Please!
I do not send to my step-mum as she has her own children.
So yes I think your dd's DP was being unreasonable.
However sending two cards and flowers and chocs was a bit OTT. One card and flowers or chocs would have been lovely.

Your DD's DP should be paying his tithe to the twin gods of Hallmark and Interflora like a good consumer. How dare he decide when and how to give gifts to his partner. This is not our place - the dates are carefully set by Clinton Cards and we must obey them.