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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About dsis hen weekend?

51 replies

olaflikeswarmhugs · 04/07/2017 19:17

I just feel so gutted at not being able to go I think I'm feeling unreasonably hard done by.

Dsis is getting married next year. I will be on my final placement as a student nurse so will have to take time off for the wedding (it's not local).

She has just started planning her hen weeken d and she wants to go to spain for 4 days. The first week of said placement. And it's going to cost around £700 including spending money. Which is way out my price range.

I've told her I don't be able to go as it's after my annual leave for uni and out my price range. I stupidly hoped she would say well why don't we go the week earlier and find cheaper accommodation. But she just said ok well if you can't come you can't come.

I know that just because I would do it for her doesn't mean she should have to do do it for me and I know I should never expect her to change all her plans to suit me but I'm just so gutted.

OP posts:
vxa2 · 05/07/2017 07:19

Where does OP say she hates her sister's friends. She says "I hate them too"but that is in response to someone who says they don't like hen dos.

It sounds like a huge waste of money to me OP even if you could afford it. Perhaps do as others have suggested and arrange something lovely but a bit more low key for your sister or just go out together for a meal with her or perhaps something like a mini spa day.

implantsandaDyson · 05/07/2017 07:21

Apologies OP - not enough coffee or too much!

Trrrrrrrr · 05/07/2017 07:23

"this is exactly what she is always like"

It shouldn't be a surprise then really. Some people are just very self centred.

peachgreen · 05/07/2017 07:24

I'd be delighted to have such a legitimate reason to miss a hen do! Grin

Don't worry about missing it OP. They're really not all that. Save your money for the wedding and enjoy that to the full.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 05/07/2017 07:26

Rise above it, if she's selfish enough to go somewhere where you can't afford the cost or time off.

Hen do's are getting more and more ridiculous, like most weddings.

Saiman · 05/07/2017 07:28

It seems you are upset because your dsis is direct and clear about whats she wants. But you try an accomodate everyone.

Tbh she isnt wrong. Trying to accomidate everyone usually ends up with people still not coming, the organisor being stresses, plenty of people not doing something thru enjoy.

Saying 'i would like to do this and totally understand if you cant come' is a perfectly reasonable and adult way to deal with it.

I am sure whenevee she books it some people wont be able to go.

That said me and dh declined invites to hen/stag do for dbro and sil. Far too expensive to go abroad for a few days.

user1492287253 · 05/07/2017 07:33

if you could do the week before financially havd you expressly told her that? in words of one syllable?

Bumdishcloths · 05/07/2017 07:43

I truly struggle to understand why people feel it necessary to splash the cash on these things. My hen do was lunch followed by drinks, and in the evening we met up with the stags. It was lovely, and more importantly it was cheap and inclusive of everybody that was invited Hmm

Trills · 05/07/2017 08:20

I truly struggle to understand why people feel it necessary to splash the cash on these things.

Because different people enjoy different things?

The sister wants to go for a long weekend trip. She can afford it. She thinks that enough of her friends want to go and can afford it to make it worth doing.

Sometimes the "hen do" is an excuse to do a thing that you want to do but would struggle to get people together for in normal circumstances.

Thekissbyklimt13 · 05/07/2017 08:26

Sorry but anyone who is having a £700 4 day hen party is likely to be too princessy and selfish to consider other people's problems, such as you not being able to attend. I bet she'll want a second hen party at home too, for those who couldn't come.

Trills · 05/07/2017 08:28

I bet she'll want a second hen party at home too, for those who couldn't come.

I can't tell if you think this is selfish (wanting two parties) or sensible (not every wants to or can afford a 4 day trip, but they might want a night out with her before the wedding).

I would say the latter.

Thekissbyklimt13 · 05/07/2017 08:33

Well I personally think it's selfish, but that's probably just me as I hate hen parties Grin

One of DH's cousins is getting married, and is having 2 hen parties (wants everyone to attend both!), a wedding party, 2 stag parties for the men, and then a 2 day wedding. We are just going to the actual wedding, but I was amazed that her nuptials could potentially take up 6 of our weekends this year, were we to attend everything.

MumBod · 05/07/2017 10:16

I don't think I've ever been on a hen party. Even three hours in a pub wearing matching tshirts fills me with horror.

4 days in Spain or somewhere would finish me off.

TheFaerieQueene · 05/07/2017 10:21

I wonder how many people will actually go when the time comes to pay. With food and drink it is going to cost the best part of £1k.

rookiemere · 05/07/2017 10:28

I think you're lucky to have a genuine reason to get out of this without hurting your Dsis's feelings.

If she can afford the price range of the hotel she wants and a sufficient number of her friends can, then it's her choice. Presumably they want a nice hotel to make it into a treat and whilst it's a shame that it's not in your budget, then that's life I'm afraid.

You seem to have a bit of an issue around the location of her wedding - is there a reason why they aren't having it locally and how much travel is required?

Willow2017 · 05/07/2017 11:40

Thank goodness I am past all that now. My friends and I just had a hen night, meal out and to the pub. We just wanted a good night out with best friends maybe some dancing and a bit of singing not some drunken expensive 'hen week' watching people get paralytic and throw up in some tourist trap.

Horses for courses but give me a night out with friends over spending hundreds and getting friends to prove how important I am by making them spend thier holiday budget for the year for the privilege of a few days away with me. If you want a holiday then make it a holiday don't pretend it's something else and expect others to help pay for it for you.

Your sis is the one who has done this not you op. She wants the all singing all dancing hen extravaganza and is not bothered her own sis can't come which is shit.

Save your money for a proper holiday once you have qualified. Good luck.

TheViceOfReason · 05/07/2017 12:36

£700 for 4 days in Spain is insane.

user1485342611 · 05/07/2017 12:44

I think, as you're her only sister, she really should have organised something that she was sure you could attend.

On the plus side, however, at least she isn't pressuring you and sulking because you can't go and calling you a party pooper etc.

But I really think this is a pre wedding holiday with her bridesmaids, not a hen party in the traditional sense. Could you organise for you all to go out for a meal and a few drinks a few nights before the wedding?

lionsleepstonight · 05/07/2017 13:26

Are you 100% sure on the costs, and that they won't increase. There was a thread not long ago where a 3 day £250 jaunt to Ibiza ended up costing £1k.

Could you go for a couple of days rather than the whole 4?

milliemolliemou · 05/07/2017 14:52

A friend's posh DCs organised a hen party for their Dsis two weeks ago. Booked a large selfcatering near a beach in the UK, in time for everyone to organise cheap travel. Lots of party games, walks, swimming. Everyone got home after a brilliant weekend for £100 or less. Other DCs have organised a come and go weekend which was central enough for friends to either stay whole (relatively expensive) weekend but people could drop in for lunch/stay an evening/get back for childcare.

So I think OP's DSis is going over the top but fine if she can afford it, fine OP can't go because of placement and money concerns, and fine that DSis isn't worried OP can't come. OP couldn't have made anything her DSis organised for that weekend because of the placement anyway. Shame, but maybe the two of them can organise to meet up for supper/lunch/whatever.

HipsterHunter · 05/07/2017 15:14

Sister can do what she wants, as long as she has enough friends who want to do this with her.

Some people have the cash and time to go on long weekends with their friends, and enjoy it. 'Hen weekend' is just a convenient excuse

Take her out of a meal or something OP and celebrate with hr that way.

rolopolovolo · 05/07/2017 16:24

The $700 sounds like bs. Spain is cheaper than that.

rookiemere · 05/07/2017 17:32

Rather depends on where they're staying and what they're planning to do rolopolovolo.

Day time flights at a decent time - easily £100-£150 each, transfer to the resort , 3-4 nights at a decent hotel - £150, money for night clubs and drinks for 3-4 nights - easily £200.

I would have said that £700 was a conservative estimate and lets not forget that even if OP did go and was trying to conserve her pennies/pounds by eating and drinking cheaply, that just never works in a group environment, particularly a hen do.

Also if Dsis has enough friends who want to do this with her and can afford it, then why not. Hen dos have probably become more extravagant because women are working in greater numbers, are closer to earning parity wages with men and therefore have more disposable income. If some choose to spend this on a last hurrah before marriage, then why the heck not. At least Dsis is not applying pressure on OP or trying to guilt trip her into missing her placement or spending money she doesn't have.

Nice meal out with your Dsis sounds like a good plan.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 06/07/2017 15:03

I could probably go Friday to Sunday but I think getting a room to myself for that duration would be costly so it might not work out any cheaper.

I really don't want to miss my only sisters hen but it's looks like I will Sad

OP posts:
WillRikersExtraNipple · 06/07/2017 15:10

The $700 sounds like bs. Spain is cheaper than that

That doesn't even make sense.

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